Eight Destructive Discipline Techniques

Guilt & humiliation

Eight Destructive Discipline Techniques

Here are the destructive eight, all disciplinary approaches to steer well away from, no matter how terrible your child's behavior is. They vary from simply ineffective to very terrible, but what they all have in common is these techniques are all more destructive than constructive. I'm not including these to give you new ideas; they're here to convince you to eliminate them from your disciplinary tool kit.

The following eight “techniques” (tortures?) are not on the path to a well-behaved child:

  • guilt
  • humiliation
  • hurtful talk
  • physical abuse
  • punitive and retaliatory action
  • threats
  • traps
  • withholding affection

Guilty of Imposing Guilt?

“What are you trying to do, kill me?” While there is a positive aspect to guilt (learning to feel guilty when you are doing something wrong is an important aspect of learning self-control), imposing guilt on your child makes her feel resentful, and too self-judgmental. You want your child to have enough negative feedback to stop the misbehavior, you don't want her to wallow, grovel, and feel forever lousy. (Okay, maybe at this precise, angry second you do, but think about it, that's really not what you ultimately want.)

Why do otherwise wonderful parents lay guilt trips on their kids? Sometimes parents do it because it's what their parents did. It's sometimes an attempt to arouse empathy. It doesn't work.

Guilt is especially destructive when imposed on kids at the beginning of adolescence, when they're already deeply self-conscious and self-disparaging.

Humiliation Hurts

Humiliation (and by this I mean those forms of old-fashioned punishment like making a child stand in a corner with a dunce cap on, pulling down his pants and spanking him in public, washing his mouth out with soap, or sending him to bed without dinner) wears down a child's self-image and self-respect.

Humiliation teaches a child that you don't value him. Respect your child—his body, his mind, and his ego. Never underestimate the damage that can be done by humiliating a child. One of the most common triggers of suicide in kids and teenagers is a humiliating experience. His sense of self is a very delicate flower, easily stomped.

Verbal disciplinary don'ts

Hurtful Talk

Most parental “crimes” against their child come under the category of hurtful talk or no talk. Talking is very powerful. What you say to your child, and how you say it, matters tremendously. Talking can build a child up, or tear her ego down to rubble. Here's a list of verbal disciplinary don'ts. Don't use this list to beat yourself up. We're aiming to make you the best parent you can be; and I don't know a parent in the world who has achieved all the points on this list.

  • Cool the commanding and demanding. Commands and demands are sometimes necessary for safety reasons (“Get your finger out of that socket right now!”), but they should only be used in emergencies. Commands and demands are a power show—parent over child. Instead of, “Get over here this instant,” and, “Why? Because I say so!” try using requests. They'll go a lot further in fostering mutual respect. For kids who tend to be willful and push buttons, commands and demands will often get you exactly what you don't want—resistance when you need something done immediately. Enlist the child's help. In most cases, a gentle request will actually save you time.
  • Sarcasm sucks. Here's the problem with sarcasm: Little kids don't understand it, and big ones do. Sarcasm is a way of putting distance between you and your child. It puts kids down, builds resentment, and it hurts. Consider what audience you are being sarcastic for. Often parents are at their most sarcastic when other adults are around—they're not really talking with their kid, their talking about her. This isn't right.
  • Nagging is another no-no. Nagging is continuous harping about a task, a habit, or a personality trait. (“John, can't you ever pick up after yourself? Remember to get your shoes off the floor. I've told you a million times, John, your shoes are in my way! I can't believe that you never remember to pick up anything!”) Bug, bug, bug. Nagging is a completely ineffective technique of getting a message to your child and, while it's not particularly damaging, it does tend to damage the communication pathways between parents and kids. I often use the example of the sense of smell. You can get used to rotten odors-just think of all the people who used to work in packing houses. They'd walk in, and the smells would almost knock them down. By the end of the day, no problem (with smells, anyway), their noses would have simply shut down. It's the same thing with nagging-your child will turn her ears off, and you'll be nagging at a wooden post. It's unpleasant, for you, to feel unheard. Avoid that sensation, say it once, say it again strongly, and then be done with it and move on to action. (Remember that nagging is not the same as reminding.)
  • Shaming, belittling, labeling, and name-calling don't cut the mustard. These are verbal forms of humiliation (often used by parents who would never use the old techniques) and they often include emotional humiliation, like mocking, or making fun of a child in public. “You lazy boy!” “Go ahead, eat that candy. You'll be sorry when your thighs get even fatter and nobody asks you to the dance!” and “Here's Marie, who takes after her aunt the slut.” Remember, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can ever hurt me!” Kids will live up to your expectations-good or bad, and they'll internalize your opinions of them. Keep your reinforcements positive.
  • No talk. Shutting down and not talking to your child about what is bothering you or him, or about his behavior, is not effective in curing misbehavior or avoiding it in the future. Confrontation is hard. It's a truism, though, that if you talk about it, you'll all feel better afterwards.
  • Yelling isn't effective. I've saved yelling for last on this list because almost every parent does it. Okay, it's not a crime. It's not, however, effective in solving problems or communicating anything except how frustrated you are. When you're yelling you're certainly not talking with your child, and too much yelling, or yelling that is too fierce, may cause your child to feel angry, intimidated, resentful, or shamed. Expect yelling, tears, withdrawal, or a child who learns to ignore you until you calm down.

    • Other abusive treatment

    Behave Yourself!

    Don't correct or scold your child in front of her friends (unless you are catching all of them in a misbehavior). Making your child look bad in front of other people is embarrassing, and can be humiliating. You won't achieve your goal of correcting the misbehavior in a positive, respectful way. Save it. If something needs to be said now, pull your child aside.

    Behave Yourself!

    Shaking a child-even lightly-can cause permanent damage. Never, ever shake a child.

    Physical Abuse

    However you feel about physical discipline, there is no doubt that punching, shaking, slapping on the face or hands, beating, whipping, hair-pulling, burning, binding, or any other physical attacks on children are never acceptable, no matter what the child's misdeed or attitude, no matter how frustrated or angry you are.

    It doesn't matter what you intend-to teach your child a lesson, to correct him, or to get back at him. No matter what your intent, physical abuse causes terrible harm. Kids who have suffered physical abuse spend years fighting against lowered self-respect, mental health issues, and behavioral problems. They often become part of a cycle of violence as they, too, begin to suffer from delinquency, crime, and violent patterns as both abusers and victims. If you or anybody else in your child's life is resorting to physical abuse to handle your child, you need to change these patterns, and to do this, you need help and support. Immediately.

    Take this book with you to the phone, now! and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800/799-SAFE. The TDD/TTY number is 800/787-3224. I don't care what time it is, and neither do they. They're open 24 hours a day to talk with you, and help you through this.

    Punitive and Retaliatory Action

    Getting back at your kid, or correcting with a punishing attitude, is not positive discipline. Your intentions and your attitudes do count, almost as much as your actions.

    Threats

    Warnings are an effective disciplinary approach (see the effective big seven, above), but threats are not. Threats have an element of coercion, and they make a child obey through fear or by threatening harm. Here's an example of the difference: “Lucia, you are getting late. Get dressed now or we won't get to the party in time for dinner,” is a warning. “Get dressed or I'll rip up all your clothes and you'll have to go out in rags!” is clearly a threat. The child whose parents use threats will feel uneasy in the one place he should feel secure-his family. Kids who are threatened often get into lying or deceptive behavior. Since most threats are “empty,” they also learn not to trust what their parents say.

    Traps

    Laying traps for kids, to see if they'll lie, lose control, or misbehave in a seductive situation, is unfair and disrespectful. Support your child. Plan for him to succeed, not fail.

    Withholding Affection

    Withholding affection ties your love to your child's behavior, and is completely opposite from the concept of unconditional love. A parent who withholds affection becomes cold and distant until the behavior improves, forcing the child to 1) suffer the lack of support, and 2) become an amateur psychologist as he tries to psyche out what is making you so upset. (This “method” tends to be paired with no talk.) Parents who withhold affection believe it will make their kids shape up-quick. In reality, the child will retreat, and, in anger and hurt, rebel against you.


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