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Stepfamily Discipline Issues

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Stepfamily Discipline Issues

All families have issues. Stepfamilies, however, while sharing the average issues with fully biological families, have a set of issues particular to their circumstances and configuration. Here are a few of the major, common issues stepparents face, and some suggestions for getting through them. You'll see that there are special sections for stepfathers and stepmothers, too; that's because, while most of the issues are the same, there are some issues particular to stepparents of each gender.

Who Are You, Anyway, Bub?

You live with this child, share her life, and suddenly, “You're not my parent, you can't tell me anything!” Ouch. That hurts (and believe me, your stepchild knows it). What can you do? Presuming you haven't moved through Jamie K. Keshet's stages too fast (see above), you can try the following approach. It will soon defuse the situation:

• Remain utterly calm, and look as detached as you can possibly be.
• Acknowledge the truth by saying, “You're right, I'm not your parent.”
• Follow it up with, “But I am an adult living in this house, and I'm in charge. These are the rules.” Or, “I live here, and this is my house, so yes, I do have some input.” You can even assert, “I'm your stepparent, and you're wrong, you do need to listen to me.”

The secret here is the calm manner. Dig down deep, and get serene.

When Two Sets of Family Rules Collide

Different households have different approaches to life. When there's more than one family involved in a child's upbringing, life can get very complicated. Shared custody or frequent visitation are usual in most divorces, so, as a stepparent, you'll likely deal with the issue of different disciplinary approaches in each household. Here are some things to keep in mind:

Behave Yourself!

When your stepchild pits you against his bioparent—“But at my dad's house we”—you might want to reply sarcastically, “Do I look like your dad?” Refrain. Sarcasm might feel good to you at the time, but kids don't understand this kind of humor, and it only confuses or hurts them. Carefully explain (again!) that different households have different ways of doing things.

• Kids are smart. They can handle different sets of rules and limits, provided those rules and limits are explicit.
• You and your partner have little control over the rules and customs at the ex's house. All you can do is stress your own values, and trust that your behavior modeling will rub off on your stepchild.
• When it comes to your partner's ex, don't butt in. Their relationship (including their own possibly unhealthy dynamic) is none of your business!
• The only time you and your partner should interfere with life at the ex's house is if you suspect or know that there is abuse—mental, emotional, sexual, or physical—going on. As your stepchild's ally, you do have a responsibility to do something.

Discipline as a Stepdad

Stepdads have their own set of issues, and though many areas of stepparenting are easier for stepfathers than stepmothers, discipline is an area of particular concern. Discipline is a no-win situation for many stepdads. As a stepdad, here are some things to keep in mind before your start taking a disciplinary role with your stepchild:

• Many stepfathers jeopardize their relationship with their stepchild by stepping in as a disciplinarian. Laying down the law, being harsh, raising your voice, demanding action, or applying punishment will get you nowhere.
• You're not the child's dad, and the more you try to be, the less you'll be accepted. Before you can effectively teach a child discipline, you have to gain her trust and respect.
• It's often made worse because many biomothers expect their new partner to take on this job. (Other moms may resent your taking over their parenting roles.)
• Little kids are pretty easy to stepfather. They're very likely to accept all aspects of your parenting, even discipline. It's the preteens and teenagers who are more problematic—they'll be very resistant to your authority. Focus on being reasonable, gentle, and strong.
• Move slowly into your role as an authority. You have time. Start as a buddy, a mentor, an uncle, or a confidant. Rely on your partner for the authority aspects for quite a while.

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Tales from the Parent Zone

Thom, like many stepfathers, is having a hard time because he's been cast as the “heavy” in the family (both he and his new wife Mona are responsible for this). He's trying to impress Mona with his control of the situation, and at the same time, he's struggling to get comfortable with another man's children. Thom's situation is not uncommon. Sometimes a leap into discipline by a stepfather comes from not understanding any other way to deal with a lack of respect. Or sometimes it's in a misguided attempt to “straighten up” a child who is in real disciplinary trouble.

Laying off the authority can be very difficult, especially if your stepkids are out of control, treating you or their mother terribly (or ignoring you completely). First, understand that it's not necessarily personal. Many kids newly “in step” have been used to a lot of independence during and after their mother's divorce. Then, rely on your partner to take control. She is the mother, after all, with all the love, history, and biological ties to give her authority. Communicate with her about what you both want and need from the situation. (Communication is essential for shared parenting.) She may need some help with behind-the-scenes support. Do it, and resist the urge to step in and start (metaphorically) swinging.

Here's the rule: The rougher things get, the more gentle you get. Stay involved and concerned, stay positive; provide verbal encouragement and other positive reinforcement. Show respect for your stepkids. Work on liking them (it's not a requirement). Positive prevention truly works.

Discipline as a Stepmom

Tales from the Parent Zone

Two years into a stepfamily, and everybody feels fairly comfortable. Discipline by the stepparent is accepted, and trusting relationships have been established. But experts say it takes about seven years to completely combine a family. As a longtime stepmother myself, I can tell you that in our case, the experts were right. About seven years into our stepfamily adventure, we all finally felt like a “real” family.

The word stepmother unfortunately conjures up images of Cinderella's and Snow White's evil stepmoms. Stepmothering is a tough job, and according to most experts, it's the most difficult role in the stepfamily. (At the very least, it's the most demanding.) As stepmother, the rest of the family looks to you to be all things to all people, and there's very little thanks involved. Stepmothers often end up feeling overworked and unappreciated (and, alas, sometimes even evil!).

Perhaps the most difficult of all stepmothering tasks is discipline. How do you work through the difficulties and gain satisfaction? Believe me, it's possible; it just takes time, patience, and planning. Here are some suggestions for handling disciplinary issues and thriving as a nonwicked stepmother:

• It's not your job. Don't let your partner dump the discipline on you! Work as a partnership, following the progression of the “The Disciplinary Evolution of a Stepparent.”

It's a Good Idea!

If all the parents (both biological and step) get along (or at least appear to), a tremendous weight is lifted from the kids. Try as hard as you can. Bite your tongue. Be noble. Pinch yourself. Do whatever it takes to maintain civility in front of the kids.

• Never, ever, ever badmouth the biomother. I don't care how horrible, crazy, and demanding she may be. It will lose you the trust of your stepkids; it will begin a war with the stepmom; it's bad news. Confide in a friend, vent (privately) with your partner, but never let your stepkids hear a peep out of you.
• Part of modeling good behavior is letting your stepkids, particularly your stepdaughters, see you as a strong woman. Don't put up with being a pushover, don't let yourself be taken advantage of, and stand up for your own rights. You're doing your kids a favor to model a strong, reasonable person.
• At least for a while, think about presenting yourself in an alternative role to “mother,” especially if the kids' mother is still living. How about taking the model of an aunt, a big sister, a wise older friend of the family? This role is less threatening than marching in and trying to “mother” the kids.