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Parenting: Developing a Unified Front

Giving kids guidelines

Parenting: Developing a Unified Front

No two parents take exactly the same approach to running a household, hanging with the kids, resolving conflict, or granting privileges. That's okay. Kids easily accommodate to the differences in parenting styles and activities.

Words to Parent By

A parenting partner is any adult who shares parenting or child care responsibilities with you. It includes any adults who have direct involvement with, or influence on, your child's life.

Words to Parent By

A unified front is an agreed-upon approach to an issue. In disciplinary matters, it's best to at least have the appearance of total agreement. For instance, say you think dessert is to be eaten only after dinner, and your partner feels that anytime is the right time for chocolate. You might give in, for the sake of the unified front, but continue to negotiate privately.

Kids do, however, need to know what is expected of them. When your primary parenting partner is your child's other parent, the most important disciplinary issue is consistency. (Let's assume the two of you live together.) Consistency doesn't mean “sameness.” It's fine to apply values and beliefs differently, as long as there's a basic family understanding of what is important. Kids need clear, consistent guidelines, and they need a basic family commonality of valuesand beliefs.

Just on a purely pragmatic level, you and your partner need to establish some disciplinary guidelines: rules, limits, and consequences. Unless you're joined at the hips (I mean permanently!), you're not going to be able to check with each other about every little thing.

You and your partner are not Tweedledum and Tweedledee—you are separate individuals and, though you may share some values and ideas, there is likely much you don't agree about. This carries over to discipline. There will be times when the two of you just don't agree about an approach, a limit, a consequence, a response. How then, can you be consistent with your child about discipline?

Consistency can be planned for! Parenting and value differences are for you and your parenting partner to work out, privately. In “public,” in front of your kids, consistency is vital. If you're not consistent, your kids are going to play you off, one parent against another. You need to develop a unified front, that is, an agreed approach to the issues.

How do you develop a unified front? And how do you do it when you have different values or different approaches to parenting?

Developing a Unified Front

Working out your unified front may not require a “big” discussion, though it probably will be an ongoing process. If you've developed a family value statement and worked out family rules, then you're well on your way. Here are a few essentials about the unified front:

• If you have a question about family policy, discuss it with your partner.
• If your partner makes a snap decision, you need to support it. If you make a snap decision, your partner should support it. You can (and should) discuss your responses, beliefs, feelings, and suggestions for the future. But do it later, when the two of you are alone.
As much as possible, avoid having one person make unilateral decisions (especially if you tend to disagree).

When you need to talk about it

It's a Good Idea!

At times, you and your partner will disagree about an issue, yet one of you will feel more strongly than the other. She: “I cannot allow the kids to talk about bodily functions at the table!” He: “Well, I don't love it, but I feel issues need to be addressed when they come up. But, I see it really matters more to you than to me, so let's go with your feelings.”

Behave Yourself!

Discussions about discipline should, ideally, be planned. Why ruin a good (and rare) date? Picture this: You're dressed to the nines, your sweetie looks terrific, and you gaze at each other across the table through a haze of delicious food, wine, and raging pheromones. A leg brushes yours under the table. Your eyes lock, and your darling whispers, “If Mary socks Marty one more time, I'm going to ground her for a year!”

Every partnership will have differences of opinion on how to handle certain disciplinary issues. Undiscussed, these differences will fester. It's important to clearly establish where there is a difference in disciplinary approach, and where there is a difference in the underlying values. Ideally, your partner shares your values about the importance of taking a positive, rather than a punitive, parenting approach. (Say, maybe your partner needs to read this book!)

What if you love your partner, shiver under his touch, adore the French toast he makes you every morning, but, alas, differ with him on certain parenting values, including disciplinary approach? It can be a scary thing to contemplate discussing something as volatile as discipline (since it cuts right to the heart of parenting philosophy), but it's crucial, for the sake of all of you.

As you meet to “hash out” your feelings, keep an open mind. Plan ahead and make it pleasant—take an evening drive and park near a view, have a wine and cheese date. Make the grandparents take the kids out for the evening. When you're relaxed, loving each other, and in a good mood—now's the time to discuss discipline.

• Bring up disciplinary values issues privately. This isn't a conversation for the kids! Make sure the atmosphere is safe for raising disagreement—try active listening, and try for an open mind as you listen.
• Each of you might consider spending a little time defining your basic disciplinary philosophy (you may think you know how you and your partner feel and believe, but give it a try anyway. There is something very defining, powerful, and often surprising about putting your philosophy and feelings into words.
• Your partner may be taking a different path to achieve the same goals, of respecting your children, honoring their autonomy, and nurturing their needs. Look for the positive intent!
• Clarify the problem. Is this really about differing values? Or do you have the same value, but a different approach?

It's a Good Idea!

If things get too “hot” when you're talking about discipline with your partner, take a break, focus on transforming the “heat” into passion, and leave the discipline for another day.

• If you are meeting about a specific incident, try to separate out the incident from old hurts and disappointments.
• Discipline is about learning—in order to be a “well-behaved” parenting duo, you two may need to do a little problem-solving.

Discipline is a tough area for all parents. It touches deep nerves—our values, our histories, our sore spots. We all get passionate about these issues. Watch that, in your passion, you aren't burning each other.