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Setting Limits for Your Baby

Standing your ground

Setting Limits for Your Baby

How should you enforce the limits you set? Most parents start by saying, "No!" More often than not, this warning in itself is effective in stopping your baby from doing something dangerous, harmful, or destructive. The tone you use (even more than the word itself) probably stops your infant in his tracks. With this single word, he instantly gets the message: What he was doing, or was about to do, was unacceptable and you don't like it when he does that.

Depending on his personality, your baby may collapse into tears when you say "No!" If so, then go to him and offer him comfort and the reassurance that you love him even when you don't like what he's doing. Remain firm about your limits: Don't let him resume the behavior when he's calmed down, but demonstrate your love at the same time.

When you say, "No!", try to sound stern without yelling or getting angry. Keep in mind that your baby is only a baby. Don't let him get away with murder, but don't get really angry at him for behaving like a baby either. The sharpness and sternness of your voice will startle your baby; yelling or anger will frighten him. And once you scare your baby--no matter how appropriate it may seem after he's bit someone or been caught halfway up the stairs--you lose him. Any chance of teaching a lesson about safety or fairness is gone.

Don't Get Mad, Get Even (Tempered)

Baby Doctor

If you often lose your temper at your baby, try to figure out why. Could you be angry about anything else? Or angry at someone else? Are you angry at yourself? Do you feel abandoned and/or overwhelmed? Have you set standards for your baby's behavior that are unreasonable? You may need the help of a professional to sort it all out.

Q-tip

If you do blow up at your baby, give yourself a few minutes to calm down and regain control of your emotions. Then immediately go to your baby (and your partner) and apologize. Your baby needs reassurance that you love her no matter how angry you feel.

You may be surprised how angry you can get at an innocent little baby. Even though she can't be held responsible or blamed for her behavior, you have every right to get angry at your child. At times, especially when she does something unsafe or something that hurts others, you may even lose your temper and yell at your infant.

No doubt you feel terrible; you should. Your anger almost certainly frightens your baby. But occasional angry outbursts will do her no lasting harm. In fact, letting your anger out may do less long-term harm than holding it in. Bottled-up anger and resentment can eat away at the good relationship you're trying to maintain with your baby. By contrast, an isolated outburst of anger (if handled properly) can quickly be put behind you, allowing you and your baby to relish each other's company again. So don't worry too much about your tirades unless they become habitual.

If your anger does seem out of control, calm yourself down rather than try to discipline your child at that moment. When coupled with rage, "discipline" can quickly escalate into abuse. By waiting, you may miss the chance to connect your scolding with the "misbehavior" that occasioned it because your child will no longer remember what she did that was so bad. But better to deal with correcting her behavior next time than to do damage to your child now.

By regaining control of your anger, you will (eventually) serve as a role model for your baby. She will learn from you more constructive ways of expressing anger than through yelling or hitting. Isn't this part of the discipline you want to teach her, too?

More than saying "No!"

Don't Just Say "No!"

When you first start setting limits, simply saying "no!" may do the trick. Because your baby probably hasn't heard this word much before, especially delivered in such a stern tone, it may stop him from doing whatever he's doing. But as he grows older, he may begin testing this limit. He may turn, smile sweetly at you, and then continue on his merry way.

No matter how cute your baby is when he does this, don't let him get away with it. If saying "no!" doesn't stop your baby from doing something that's dangerous, harmful, or destructive, you must follow through immediately with actions that back up your words. What actions are appropriate before your baby's first birthday? It depends on the situation:

• If he has somehow gotten his hands on something that's dangerous, remove it. Take it from your baby's hands (or mouth) and put it way up high where he can't reach it.
• If he's exploring something dangerous that you cannot take from him, for instance, if he's chewing on an electric cord, then remove him from the area.
• If he's hitting, biting, or otherwise hurting another child, then quickly separate the children. Keep them apart for five minutes or so until calm has been restored and they can play nicely together again.
• If he's bent on destroying something of value, take it away or take him away from it.

Whatever you choose to do to back up your words, explain your rationale to your baby as you're taking action:

• "No peanuts! You might choke."
• "No biting on the cord! It could shock you."
• "No biting! That hurts."
• "No paint on the couch! That ruins it."

Will your baby understand all of this? Probably not. Regardless of whether he understands your words, chances are that he won't remember them for very long. The next time your baby sees a peanut or the electric cord, for instance, she may again be tempted to chew on it.

It doesn't matter whether your baby understands everything you say. But these brief explanations lay the groundwork for the ultimate objective of all discipline: teaching your child the differences between safe and unsafe behavior and right and wrong.

Does Punishment Fit the Crime?

Because your baby does not yet know the difference between "good" and "bad," it's neither fair nor reasonable to discipline her as if she did. (You'll have plenty of time for that later.) Neither punishment nor the threat of punishment helps to discipline an infant. When your baby doesn't do as she's told, she isn't necessarily trying to defy you or your rules. She simply doesn't understand or remember them.

Your baby doesn't know any better. Although ignorance of the law may not be a defense that works in court, it should count for a lot in the home. Because your baby is incapable of making connections between her own (unacceptable) actions and your (punitive) reactions, any kind of punishment is inappropriate before her first birthday. At this age, "No!" will teach her much more about behaviors to avoid than any kind of punishment will.

Infants learn little or nothing from any kind of punishment, whether time-outs, the withholding of treats, or spankings. Your baby just doesn't get it. To her, these punishments are unpleasant, unfair, and cruel things you do to her, not consequences of anything that she's done herself. Because punishment makes absolutely no sense to your baby, it shouldn't make any sense to you either. Punishment has no positive impact whatsoever on an infant.

Spanking a baby is particularly odious. Although a slap on the wrist may occasionally be necessary to prevent your baby from sticking a fork into an electric outlet (or another child), spanking (a punishment for willful misbehavior) does not make sense with infants. Your baby is not yet capable of willful misbehavior.

Q-tip

Make sure that anyone else who takes care of your child agrees with, or at least agrees to abide by, your views on spanking and other forms of corporal punishment.

In addition to being unfair and unreasonable to your baby, spanking

• Teaches your baby nothing about right and wrong
• Sends the message that might makes right, that problems are best dealt with through force rather than persuasion
• Is dangerous when done in anger
• Is cold and cruel when done calmly

Over using the 'No' tactic

Ain't Misbehavin'

Another reason to avoid explicitly punishing your baby is that his misbehavior, strictly speaking, is seldom really misbehavior. Although throwing food might warrant punishment in an older child, for example, an infant cannot help doing it. A preschooler knows what will happen when he drops or throws mashed potatoes on the floor; an infant has to do it to find out.

Similarly, most actions that your infant takes that might deserve punishment later are things that he cannot help doing now. Your baby is becoming increasingly curious. He wants to explore his world and experiment with the objects in it. That's how he learns about the world.

If your baby bites you or pulls your hair, he doesn't intend to hurt you. He does it because he wants to discover more about you, just as he explores the other objects in his world. How does he find out about a new toy? He grabs it, pulls it, pokes it, scratches it, bangs it, kicks it, and bites it. When he does this to another person, don't assume the worst. He wasn't being mean-spirited. He was just being a baby. And punishing a baby just because he behaves like a baby isn't fair.

"No!": Don't Overuse It

Once your baby has begun to crawl, she needs the opportunity to explore her environment. Exploring and acquiring knowledge adds to her growing independence and confidence. But to make the most of these adventures, she needs the freedom to roam (within limits, of course) wherever her interests take her. She needs to be able to make discoveries and experiment with the objects in her world on her own.

Without intending to do so, you can easily douse the flame of your baby's passion for exploration and discovery. All you need to do is say "No!" 20 or 30 times a day. Saying "No!" discourages your child from exploring her environment, or at least parts of it.

The more often you use the word "No!", the less effective it becomes. Your baby will quickly tire of hearing that word all the time, and it will lose its shock value. Your child may end up ignoring your repeated prohibitions.

Beware of turning "No!" into a game, which it can easily become if you overuse the word. If your baby starts to challenge your authority, you may admire her spunk, but try not to let her see your admiration. Your baby needs to know that this is serious business, that you only say, "No!" when you mean it. For all of these reasons, try to use "No!" only for the most serious offenses--those that represent an immediate danger to your baby or to others (and perhaps to your property as well).

Constantly saying "No!" not only discourages your infant from exploring her world and gradually strips the word of its effectiveness, it may also damage your baby's sense of security, acceptance, and self-confidence. To your baby, displeasing you feels dangerous. Your baby naturally equates any expression of disapproval on your part with rejection. This sense of rejection, in turn, heightens any abandonment fears she already has.

So do whatever you can to cut down on the number of times you say "No!" to your baby. Whenever you do say it, make sure to follow up your expression of disapproval with expressions of warmth and affection. Comfort your child, who may be devastated at the thought of having done something wrong (although she may not quite understand what she did). Above all, emphasize that even when you get angry at her, even when you don't like what she's doing, you still love her.

Infants, thoroughly anchored in the present moment, often have a hard time realizing that someone can shout at them and still love them. Your baby does not yet know this fact through either instinct or experience. Because she cannot separate a person from his or her behavior, you have to show her how to do it.

Redirecting baby's attention

Just Say "Yes!"

An infant, as noted earlier, is not capable of behaving a certain way just because it's "good" (or avoiding certain behaviors because they're "bad"). Infants behave according to the urges and interests of the immediate present. They cannot do otherwise.

Your baby will behave himself (in your eyes) only if he wants to behave the way you want him to behave. Of course, this doesn't mean that you should let your baby do anything he pleases. You still need to provide the guidelines of acceptable behavior, again and again if necessary.

Q-tip

When all else fails, try banishment. Despite hearing you say "No!", your baby may continue to live dangerously. Ignoring your attempts at distraction, he may remain obsessed with a particular forbidden behavior. If this is the case, put him in exile. Pick him up and physically remove him from the "scene of the crime."

If he persists in his efforts to go back and repeat the objectionable behavior, create a physical obstacle (perhaps a safety gate) that blocks him from returning. You may find him much more willing to accept the alternatives you offer once he's in a different room.

You cannot possibly get your infant to renounce bad behavior at this age, but you can get him to embrace good behavior. How? By tricking or enticing him into doing what you want him to do. With a little creative redirection, you can put a positive spin on negative prohibitions, turning a sharp "No!" into a resounding "Yes!"

Your baby has a very short attention span. If something's out of sight, it's out of his mind as well. So if you can distract him, you can probably steer your baby relatively easily away from unsafe or unacceptable behavior. Try to get your child interested in something else, something that's safe and non-destructive. He'll probably forget all about that unsafe thing he wanted to do within seconds.

Similarly, you can redirect your baby's energies from mischief or unsafe behavior toward a safer behavior that involves the same action. For instance, if your baby starts hitting you, offer him an alternative: something safe to hit. You might say, "Oh, you want to hit something now? Okay, these are for hitting." Then steer him toward drums or a tower of soft blocks to knock down. If he's biting, offer him a teether or a biscuit that he can bite on. If he wants to throw something valuable (and breakable), trade it for a ball or a beanbag. That way your child can hit or bite or throw as much as he wants, but in such a way that no one gets hurt.

Another positive way to steer your child toward good behavior is through babyproofing. By limiting your toddler's choices only to safe ones, babyproofing can steer him away from dangerous actions and toward safe behavior without his even knowing it. Thorough babyproofing takes care of two of the four aims of setting rules: keeping your baby safe and your property intact. If babyproofing takes care of these, you can focus your rules and your "Nos" on keeping others safe from your baby and on nurturing respect for the rights and feelings of others.