Managing Conflict With Children

Acknowledge and praise good behavior and mature interactions with others, rather than only acknowledging bad behavior and aggression. Often, a child will engage in bad behavior, including fighting with others, in order to gain the attention of nearby adults. Only paying attention to negative behavior reinforces the idea that negative behavior gets results. By giving your child attention when they are behaving well, you are teaching them by example that there are more positive and constructive ways to get others attention.

It is also extremely helpful to teach a child to directly express their needs, rather than throwing tantrums or behaving passive-aggressively. When you're forced to acknowledge bad behavior, avoid physically punishing or yelling at your child, as this will inadvertently teach your child that aggression and violence are the way to solve conflicts.

Establish just a few clear, concise rules for behavior and apply those rules calmly and consistently. When you're forced to address bad behavior, make sure that there are always consequences, and make sure your children are clear as to what privileges will be temporarily taken away and why. Explain to your children how these punishments are to reinforce clear concepts of appropriate and inappropriate ways of dealing with conflict. Lastly, involve your children in setting conflict management ground rules, letting them help determine what behaviors are not acceptable, and what punishments are the most appropriate for them and any siblings.

Help children become aware of emotional and physical cues they may experience that tell them that they're getting upset. Teach them strategies which will help them calm themselves before they act out inappropriately. Children who are having difficulty learning these coping strategies and who frequently fight with others should be supervised when playing with others so that they can be reminded of their coping strategies before they act out.

Teach your child empathy by helping them understand other points of view and how to temporarily adopt another person's perspective during a disagreement. This can be accomplished by asking your child how they think the other person(s) involved in the disagreement might be feeling. If the other child that your child is having a conflict with is present, encourage your child to ask the other how they are feeling about the problem and how they'd like it resolved.

Prevent future aggressive interpersonal behavior in children by avoiding arguments in front of them. As with other forms of behavior, children learn how to deal with conflict by watching adults deal with conflict. Disagreements between adults should be handled in a mature, rational, non-abusive fashion, with all parties involved in the disagreement taking turns talking and listening. It's beneficial for children to see adults disagreeing politely and discussing the dilemma while working to constructively solve the problem. It's also important that your children know that they are not the source of the disagreement, as children may internalize domestic arguments by assuming that they are the cause. Extreme and emotional disagreements between adults should be saved for when children are not present, or at least in another room. If an intense disagreement is being worked out behind closed doors, adults should remember to keep their voices down.