How to Explain to an Adopted Child Why the Birth Mother Closed the Adoption

Talking to your adopted child about the circumstances surrounding her adoption is an important step in her growth. As she grows older and develops the cognitive ability to process this information and apply it to her life, she may begin to wonder why her birth parents chose a closed adoption -- one in which you and your child have no contact at all with the birth parents following the adoption. Knowing how to proceed when that time arrives will help your child understand this part of her life story.

Instructions

    • 1

      Provide an open line of communication for your child, regardless of his age. Let him guide you in when and how much he wants to know about his birth parents. As he grows older and can think in more abstract terms, he may have new questions or concerns, and you can also provide greater detail to him to describe any special situations, such as drug abuse or incarceration of a birth parent, if he seeks that information.

    • 2

      Answer her questions honestly at all times, keeping in mind her stage of development as a guide for how to state information in the way she can most easily understand. If you do not know why the birth mother chose a closed adoption, be honest about that. You can still discuss general reasons why many choose closed adoptions, such as the difficulties for a very young birth mother to raise a child or the emotional challenges faced in an open-adoption situation.

    • 3

      Confirm and support your child̵7;s emotions associated with this information. He may be sad and go through a grieving process, and, at other times, he may be angry or even indifferent. Let him know all of these reactions are normal and help him deal with his emotions as they appear or change.

    • 4

      Talk to your child̵7;s pediatrician for guidance and resources if your child seems to be having unusual difficulty in understanding or accepting her birth parents̵7; choice of a closed adoption. You can also visit an adoption therapist with her to help her work through her feelings and concerns.

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