Taking a Toddler to a Funeral

A Toddler's Understanding of Death

• A toddler might have an easier time at a funeral than an older child who understands the finality of death. A child this age can't grasp much about death. According to the University of Rochester Medical Center, a toddler can't understand the concepts of death and permanence, even if she has previously experienced a loved one's death. She won't understand what's happening at a funeral -- though she will understand that people are upset and crying. So don't expect your tot to use the funeral to get any closure or say a meaningful goodbye to the deceased. But as long as you shield her from upsetting sights, attending a funeral probably won't scare her or harm her in any way.

Deciding to Take Her

• Since your toddler isn't going to gain much from the funeral, think carefully about whether bringing her is a wise idea. If the service is important to you and you have no available child care, or if you think she'll be upset later in life to learn she was left home, bringing her might be the best choice. Taking a child who is very sensitive and easily upset to a funeral, however, might do more harm than good. HealthyChildren.org suggests asking older children whether they'd like to attend a funeral, and it's worth trying that with your toddler too. Explain that the deceased is gone and that a funeral is where family and friends say goodbye, and ask if she'd like to go. If not, find a way to honor the deceased at home, like by making an art project in his honor.

Making Preparations

• Taking a toddler to a funeral requires more preparation than just finding a somber, unstained outfit in her closet. A designated adult must be willing and able to take your tot out of the service if she's disruptive or scared, suggests HealthyChildren.org. If the deceased was a close friend or family member, you might prefer to stay through the entire service and enlist someone else to serve this role. This person should also be ready to take your toddler outside if you're visibly upset, since these emotions might frighten your little one. Pack a bag with snacks, a comfort item like a small blanket and a few quiet toys. Though your toddler won't understand what's happening, prepare her for what she'll see. Tell your child that she might see people crying and that you'll all sit quietly while people talk about the person who has died. Depending on your beliefs, you might say that the person's body will be in a large box, but that his soul has gone to heaven.

Handling the Funeral

• A toddler will be most able to behave during a funeral if she's well rested and has recently had a snack and drink. Once you're seated, try holding her on your lap so she's comforted by your presence. Try to narrate what's happening around you. "Sam is crying because he's sad Grandma's body stopped working and she died. Those people are lighting candles as a way to celebrate Grandma's life." Encourage your toddler to tell you if she's scared and wants to leave with your designated adult. Deciding whether to take her up to the casket depends on how well you think she's handling the funeral. Paying your respects to a closed casket gives you a chance to explain where the person went. If the casket is open during any part of the service, letting a toddler view the deceased person might help her see that he looks peaceful and not scary. But when in doubt, keep her away from the casket.