Power Struggles With Children in Day Care

Day care is just one of the many environments in which you may find yourself caught up in a power struggle with your assertive toddler. No parent is able to avoid such power struggles completely, but they usually aren't the most effective way to interact with your child and it's better to keep them to a minimum.

  1. Separation Anxiety

    • Many parents find that the same child who screams uncontrollably when they drop her off at day care will do the same thing when they come back later to pick her up. Toddlers are equally capable of clinging desperately to a parent for security and emotional support and of defiantly refusing to do what a parent wants. A toddler suffering from separation anxiety might be determined not to let you go, but equally determined not to stop playing and go home. Either of these interactions can result in a power struggle.

    Testing

    • When your toddler throws a temper tantrum to keep you from leaving or to keep you from taking him home, he is simultaneously expressing his distressed emotions and testing how you react to the display. If you reward the behavior by staying longer, he gets the message that a loud display of negative emotion is an acceptable and effective way to get you to stay. At this stage in his development, your toddler is trying to figure out what works and what doesn't. You don't want to teach him that temper tantrums work. At the same time, you do want to teach him how to learn to regulate his own feelings. If you leave for the day care a little bit early, you can offer to play one game with him at the day care before you leave if he can stay calm.

    Triggering

    • Some toddlers will react to a harsh or angry tone of voice with fear, others with tears and others with defiance. If your toddler starts to cling to your leg and try to keep you from leaving, you might feel tempted to snap at her in an irritated tone to let you go. According to the University of Missouri Extension's "Information for Child Care Providers," this can trigger an all-out power struggle. Your toddler may throw herself to the floor kicking and shrieking instead of just clinging to your leg. Your child care provider can help redirect your child by offering a favorite toy or activity as you are leaving.

    Staff

    • Although you may run into power struggles with your toddler at day care, the staff who work there all day are likely to experience a lot more of them. Day care staff often have training in how to deal with power struggles effectively, but in rare cases a member of the staff may handle a situation like this poorly. If you have any concerns about the staff, talk to the owner or manager of the day care about them. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, less than 1 percent of child abuse cases involved child care providers, as of 2008. However, if a child care provider seems to enjoy winning power struggles with the children, this can be a warning sign of potential abuse, according to the DHHS.

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