Cliques and Fitting In
Help Your Child Uncover the Truth About Cliques and Belonging
Cliques and Fitting In
(Brought to you by National PTA)
A Chicago mom confesses that her beautiful sixth-grade daughter cries in her room nightly, afraid she won't look right tomorrow and she will lose her standing in her group at school.
A teacher in Lake Placid, New York, reports that her smart 13-year-old son announced, "Mom, I'm going to fail that science test tomorrow. I just have to, or I won't have any friends."
A need to belong emerges with a vengeance during early adolescence. At some point during the ages of 10 through 15, your child discovers that a whole world exists beyond your family: peers. As an overwhelming desire to fit in takes center stage, a child's thoughts and reactions revolve around his or her interests with friends and peers.
This shift away from parents and family is natural -- a young adolescent's task is to figure out who he or she is. The peer group serves as a panel, helping its members define themselves.
Cliques deal in social power. As peers divide up, children form into cliques around a leader or two and the pack lets it be known that not everybody is welcome. Certain children are dubbed "worthy" while others are judged "not good enough."
Cliques and peer groups have strict rules: whom to talk to, sit with, dress like. Acting out of sync means facing criticism -- and since all young adolescents are supersensitive to criticism, many have difficulty standing up for themselves or for what's right. So cliques rule.
Yet even though establishing a place in the peer group is riddled with danger, most middle-schoolers need to find that sense of belonging. Parents can really be of assistance in helping their child find that sense of belonging in healthy and positive ways.
As a start, empathize with your children's desire to belong and show that you accept their social desires. Invite their friends into your home, and be available to talk or listen to your children's efforts at fitting in.
Help Your Middle-Schooler Identify the Social Hierarchy
Although parents can't finagle the coveted top spots of the middle-school heap for their children, they can help them locate a spot for themselves. Furthermore, we can change the way our children perceive themselves and their place on the social ladder.
The starting point lies in guiding your child on an information-gathering mission. Ask him to think about the school cafeteria and the groups that congregate there. You can go into any lunchroom in any part of the country and see a social order. The middle-schoolers know exactly at which table in what part of the room to set down their lunch tray.
According to Colorado sociologists and researchers Patricia and Peter Adler, four basic groups define the middle-school social culture:
Some of these circles are defined by a similar hobby or interest, such as the skateboarders or computer geeks; others are defined by a look and style, such as the Abercrombies (named for the clothing store) or Goths (who dress in black).
As you talk with your child, determine how closely her analysis of her school's social grid follows the Adlers' observations. (Pretty close, we imagine.) Encourage your child to talk with you by asking, "Whatever happened to...," identifying one of her old classmates. Or you can ask her to explain the criteria for admission to the clique. Inevitably, as your child explains the caste system, she will tell you where she fits.
While your child recounts his observations, make sure you tell him how impressed you are with his ability to read the social landscape. Empathize when he groans about the injustices of the powers that be. Above all, get the point across that your child is anything but a social know-nothing -- no matter where he falls on the social ladder.
Let your child know that no matter where she is in the cafeteria hierarchy, there are advantages and disadvantages. The stereotypical winners (those from the popular clique) don't always feel or act like winners, just as the supposed losers (the loners) have winning characteristics.
Young adolescents don't always understand this. As your child leads you on this guided tour of "popularity city," pay attention to what he believes. In all likelihood your child envies the popular girls and boys because they seem to get everything that's fun -- from love letters to top billing in yearbooks to recognition from teachers. Children who dwell in the twosomes or threesomes (friendship circles), revolving around alternative music or the marching band, may miss the perks of higher and cooler ground. The fact is that each and every category carries within it both pluses and minuses.
Understanding this message bolsters, humbles, and stretches every child's self-image. Stress to your child that even popular boys and girls are prone to anxieties and unhappiness. And those kids who seem to have little to offer have potential that may not be realized during middle school or even high school. Reassure your child that every one of his classmates struggles and suffers, even if it isn't obvious.
As you and your middle-schooler probe more deeply into each of these groups, you might point out how those middle-schoolers in friendship circles (which generally constitute 45 percent of a school's population, according to the Adlers) are the most content and have the best self-image. "Individuals in the middle group (the friendship circles) generally (feel) good about themselves," the Adlers concluded. Why? Being able to count on loyalty from their friends and not living with so much anxiety about losing their position in the hierarchy adds up to a healthier self-image and higher self-esteem. The popular types tend to wear anxiety along with the latest fashions. Those in the fringe group live in a state of second-best.
Isolated middle-schoolers are sentenced to loneliness and rejection. It's important for these kids' parents to recognize their plight. These children probably have a hidden talent or unrecognized potential. Plus, they may have the time to devote to improving that skill or talent. Parents need to help such kids identify their hidden assets and find ways to mine those abilities.
The Ultimate Acceptance
There is a difference between social acceptance and personal acceptance. Finding one's personal identity is different than living with one's social identity. To distinguish between the two during early adolescence, kids need their parents' guidance.
The "Who am I?" quest is a personal assignment. What the peer group decrees is not the final verdict. "Who are you?" is a process of self-discovery.
Being alone -- not part of a clique -- is a reality that our sons and daughters likely are not comfortable with during early adolescence. It's up to us to help make them more comfortable. Talk about individual goals and performance. Inspire self-discovery. Define integrity as personal character and living according to a code of values. Integrity and personal dignity are commodities that cannot be taken away by anyone, even the most popular or powerful peer.
Social acceptance is another important issue for young adolescents. In your talks, your middle-schooler should get the message that "fitting in" actually hinges on conformity.
To your child, peers are the jury. But while he may often feel like the plaintiff, he is really the judge. While your child struggles with this need to belong and wrestles with balancing his personal and social selves, you can provide an invaluable framework. Your family, your home life, your child's bedroom -- these are domains that also deliver that sense of belonging he craves. Belonging counts, but so does personal acceptance. A child needs both.
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