Parenting Kids Without Rewards or Punishment

It may be natural to reward your children for good behavior and punish them when they do wrong, particularly if this is the way you were brought up. The reality is, however, that this method often does not work. Child psychologists and parenting experts remain divided on whether reward-and-punishment is an effective style of parenting. It may be the case that an alternative method is more appropriate for your child.

  1. Reward

    • Unconditional love means showing your child affection even when he behaves badly.

      Rewarding children for good behavior, whether with material goods or love and affection, has been referred to by psychologists and parenting experts as "conditional parenting." In 2004 a study on parenting styles published in the journal "Developmental Psychology" found that while children who received conditional approval were more likely to display good behavior, they also harbored negative feelings toward their parents. If children only feel valued and loved when they live up to their parents' expectations, they may have self-esteem issues as adults. However, some experts disagree, including Jo Frost, author of "Supernanny," who recommends holding back attention, praise and love when a child behaves badly, and only providing it when the child apologises.

    Punishment

    • Punishment may not be effective in the long term.

      According to John W. Maag, author of "Parenting Without Punishment: Making Problem Behavior Work for You," responding only to a child's bad behavior can do a lot more harm than good. A child who is grounded for staying out past his curfew might understand that he has done something wrong, but the punishment is likely to focus on the fact that his parents must be obeyed, and not help to reinforce an alternative type of behavior. Children who are consistently punished for wrong-doing may grow up resenting and disliking their parents, suggests Maag.

    Discipline

    • Talk calmly to your child as an alternative to anger.

      It is wrong to think of "punishment" and "discipline" as synonyms. To punish a child because you want to teach them a lesson is ineffective, because teaching requires providing skills and knowledge, not decreasing behavior. Discipline should be thought of as reinforcing good behavior. For example, if your child has been disrespectful to you, react calmly and talk to her about her behavior instead of yelling at her or sending her to her room. Explain why you find her behavior unacceptable, and reinforce positives by telling her how pleased you are when she is polite and respectful. This way of dealing with her bad behavior uses neither reward nor punishment, instead it reinforces the type of behavior you expect from her.

    Natural Consequences

    • Give children the freedom to learn from their mistakes and achievements

      Taking a step back from your child during his later elementary school years, from around the age of 9, enables him to experience the consequences of his behavior. Kids Health suggests that valuable lessons can be learned when children are allowed to see for themselves what happens after they behave in a certain way. If your child fails to submit a school assignment on time, his teacher may admonish him in front of his peers and his grades may suffer. If he studies hard and gets good grades, on the other hand, he will be praised at school and grow more confident in his abilities. In both cases, he learns valuable lessons without parental intervention.

    2. Previous:

    Next: