Teaching Kids About Thoughts, Feelings & Behaviors

Kids are little feeling machines. Sometimes their feelings are big and exuberant while at other times they are big and intensely angry. Resulting behaviors can either support or derail the child and family's overall sense of well being. Teaching kids about how thoughts, feelings, and behaviors all work together can help them learn about themselves and appropriate ways of dealing with how they feel.

  1. Create Safe Space to Feel

    • Feelings are important signals.

      Feelings are not bad, they just are what they are. Kids need safe space to feel what they feel, without harsh judgment from others. If a child feels like he cannot express himself he may not be able to effectively learn about the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Kids can learn about their feelings when adults listen and reflect back what they think a child may be feeling. For example, if a young child is screaming the adult could respond something like, "It seems like you might feel angry. Can you talk about what you are feeling and what you need?" This helps the child feel safe and heard when sharing feelings and start to become aware of words to use when feeling upset.

    Cultivate Awareness

    • Adults can help children accept feelings as they are.

      While we could talk at kids about thoughts, feelings, and behaviors all day they really learn by becoming aware of them. One way to help kids become aware of their thoughts is to ask them to list thoughts about any particular subject or stressful situation so they can be seen on paper or heard on the outside. Feelings are physical and emotional sensations. Simply asking a child to notice and label a feeling can be helpful. Young children may appreciate a chart with various facial expressions to help identify how they feel.

    Talk About Thoughts

    • A child may need help to identify how thoughts lead to behavior.

      Thoughts are ideas we have about life, a situation, another, or ourselves. Kids vary in their cognitive abilities. Some children may have elaborate imaginations while others think in very linear, simple terms. Adults can share that we all have thoughts and that our behavior comes from how we are feeling and thinking. Kids can check whether their thoughts are true or not by asking themselves the question, "Is this true?" If the child is not absolutely sure the thought is true, possibly he will not want to act on it. If it is true some more discussion can help him choose how to respond to what he is thinking.

    Cultivate Choice Awareness

    • All choices have results and kids can learn this.

      Kids may feel like they have inherently less choices than others around them, especially adults. They still do have choices, though. Choice awareness can help them choose how they behave in respond to how they think and feel. If a child throws a toy instead of putting her in time-out to think about what she did, helping her learn about all of the choices she has in the future may yield a different result. Children need to know what choices are available for a choice to exist in their mind. Adults can ask the child what choices she may have to handle the situation differently and offer her appropriate choices to build awareness.

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