How to Stop Fighting With the Kids

Establishing independence is a primary part of growing up. From first word and first step to first job, first car or first serious relationship, your child learns to how to do things for himself and to be independent. Included in this process is learning to make his own decisions. Unfortunately, his goals and your goals don't always match. Too frequently the results are arguments, backtalk and fighting against your authority.

Instructions

    • 1

      Get in tune with your child. Ideally, this is a process that begins while they are still infants. Pre-verbal children communicate in a variety of ways, ranging from cute snuggling and snuffling to outraged wails when they are uncomfortable or hungry. When you know your child's personal signals that indicate when she is over-tired, hungry or frustrated, you can often head off undesirable behavior before it gets started. For example, if you know your child gets hungry quickly, pack a nutrition bar when hiking or doing other physical activities.

    • 2

      Know yourself. If a day at your work leaves you irritable, take time on the way home to eat a snack, or just stop the car and do absolutely nothing for 15 minutes. Identify your trigger points, so that you can redirect your own personal head of steam before it blows up all over your unsuspecting family. At the same time, be aware of the things your child or spouse do that are likely to increase your personal tension.

    • 3

      Listen actively and responsively to your child. Give him a chance to explain why he wants to continue playing the video game or watching the movie. Allow him to express how he feels about cleaning his room, taking out the trash or doing other household chores. Ask him why he thinks we need to do these things, and let him work his way through the logistics of why something needs to happen. For example, ask him what would happen if no one took the trash out. The most important part of active listening is that you give your child a chance to express his frustration, even if he still has to complete the task.

    • 4

      Praise your child for doing the things correctly. By giving positive reinforcement to accomplishments, you increase the likelihood she will do it again. Refrain from attaching criticism to your praise. You don't want to say something like, "Thank you for finally cleaning your room." The word "finally" implies she has been really slow and reluctant about completing the chore. Instead, say something like, "You got your room clean. I really like how you arranged your figurine collection on the shelf." When she feels appreciated, she is less likely to resist doing her chore the next time.

    • 5

      Develop a fair, consistent set of rules. Set a good example by following those rules yourself. If you expect your child to place laundry in a hamper, return dishes to the kitchen and put trash in waste receptacles, then you should also do those things.
      Be flexible. If he has a test coming up, a big event or is not feeling well, let the chore go or do it yourself. When you show consideration, he is more likely to be considerate of you.

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