Raising a Gifted Girl

Performance Expectations

• In a 2002 newsletter for SENG, Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted, author Sally Reis found that gifted girls tend to be perfectionists. However, this perfectionism exists on a spectrum that ranges from healthy to neurotic. Parental expectations of the girl̵7;s academic performance plays a large role in determining the level of perfectionism the girl develops. Those who perceive their parents as harsh and overly critical tend to develop neurotic perfectionism when compared to those who see their parents as accepting and forgiving of mistakes. However, those whose parents downplayed the girls̵7; abilities tended to set lower expectations for themselves throughout life. It is important for parents to set high expectations, but simultaneously teach girls that mistakes are a natural part of the learning process.

  Parents must also work to counter the biases of teachers and other educators. Ms. Reis also found that both male and female teachers are more likely to accurately identify gifted boys in their classes than gifted girls. They tend to attribute boys̵7; success to natural ability and girls̵7; success to hard work. Although this issue may be clouded by gifted girls̵7; tendency to downplay their own abilities in the classroom, parents must work to ensure that the negative messages gifted girls receive from educators are not taken to heart.

Social Issues

• Dr. Gurian found that gifted girls are often ready to start school earlier than gifted boys. She suggests that the optimum time to identify gifted girls is between the ages of 3.5 and 7. In the early school years, gifted girls tend to outperform gifted boys. As they mature, however, gifted boys begin to overtake gifted girls in all areas of performance from standardized test scores to the selection of advanced classes in high school and finally into high-paying career choices.

  This reversal may be in large part attributable to the social issues faced by gifted girls. While smart boys are often popular with both teachers and classmates, intelligence is often seen as a negative trait in girls. Gifted females often have enhanced emotional intelligence, making it easy for them to see how the popular girls behave socially. Gifted girls begin to model their behavior after that of the popular girls, giving up intellectual pursuits and performing at an average to below average level.

  To combat this problem, find ways for your gifted daughter to spend time with smart, successful women. Some girls respond well to organizations such as Girl Scouts, while others prefer one-on-one time with adult mentors. Girls also need friends close to their own age. Help your daughter find friendships with other talented girls who share one or more interests.

Self-Esteem Concerns

• Dr. Gurian also noted that gifted girls experience a major decline in self-esteem from third grade through eighth grade. By the time they enter high school, many gifted girls report high levels of perfectionism, anxiety, hopelessness and depression. They feel as though they will never be accepted for themselves and may be tired of playing a role in order to fit in.

  Help your daughter boost her self-esteem by helping her get involved in activities that encourage her to shine, such as theater or music. If your daughter̵7;s interests are more solitary, such as building robots or model rockets, encourage her to join a club. Although many gifted children enjoy a great deal of solitude, becoming part of a group can help your daughter feel valued for her skills and knowledge.

Coaching and Advocating

• One of the most critical roles the parent of a gifted girl must take on is that of coach and advocate. You know your daughter better than anyone else. You know what motivates her, you know her dreams and aspirations, and you know her fears and doubts. Take on the role of coach to push her to excel without feeling judged. Advocate for your daughter̵7;s needs whenever the situation arises, from meeting with educational experts to decide on an appropriate placement to having her IQ tested privately. Build an alliance with your daughter and strive to provide the best possible path for her.