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How to Get What You Want from the Nanny

Who becomes a nanny?

How to Get What You Want from the Nanny Love for Hire
Suppose you could create the ideal nanny. Chances are it would be someone who sat down for her interview and announced, "I have really enjoyed being a nanny. I honestly don't believe there is a better job out there. My days are spent exploring the world through the eyes of children, where everything is a great new adventure. Most days start and end with a great big hug and kiss! The last days with each one of my old 'families' have all been very difficult and teary." Too perfect to be true? Not at all. Of the many people interviewed for this book, nannies were probably the happiest with their jobs. The enthusiasm of Lisa B., quoted here, isn't unusual. It's typical of the women who choose this modestly paid but tremendously rewarding career.

Odd, then, the horror stories you hear about neglectful and incompetent nannies, or the tales of households that go through nannies like so many disposable diapers. How can you avoid their fate? There is no lack of compassionate nannies looking for work, but finding one who is the right match for your family can take some time. Using a nanny placement agency is no guarantee that the person you hire will stay with your family longer or be superior to someone you hear about through the grapevine. And although a placement agency can weed out poorly qualified, inexperienced nannies and provide criminal background checks, there is a limit to their usefulness. Ultimately, your success will depend on more than background checks and gut feelings. It will also require some honest reflection about yourself and your expectations. The clearer you are about those, the better your chances of recognizing the right nanny for you and being able to forge a lasting bond with her.

Behind the Scenes: The Parent Trap
"I love children. It's their parents that make the job so hard!" confessed a nanny on the nannynetwork.com bulletin board – an excellent place for parents to browse for insight into the attitudes of nannies. You'll get to eavesdrop as they gush, brag, and fret about their charges, whom they usually refer to as "my baby" or "my boy" (or girl). No hidden video camera could reveal as much as these candid postings do. On the downside, the site is full of nannies' rants about their employers. Their frustration provides a crash course in nanny-parent relations.

There is no reliable profile that describes the type of woman who chooses to become a nanny. Their only common thread is that they love children. No matter how desperate for work a woman might be, she simply won't survive in the field if she doesn't genuinely like kids; there are too many kind and capable nannies out there willing to take her place. In 2000, the U.S. Department of Labor reported that three million mothers leave their children in the care of a nanny or other individual while they work outside the home. The nannies' level of training and education varies widely: some have college degrees in child development while others have only the experience they have acquired over years of caring for children. Their pay varies as well. At the bottom end of the pay scale are nannies earning less than minimum wage, and at the high end are those earning $15 an hour or more. Nannies for the very wealthy command as much as $1,500 a week, with perks such as a separate dwelling with all expenses paid, cell phone, use of a car, health benefits, gym membership, paid vacations, and more.

For a great many nannies, especially live-ins, exploitation in the form of unpaid overtime is common. Most of the nannies' problems stem from the informal, unregulated nature of the work. "She's just like a member of the family" often translates into the nanny being taken advantage of as if she were an indulgent aunt – or Cinderella. Nannies report not getting reimbursed for children's toys, food, or treats; not being paid for gasoline on work-related trips; not being paid if the family goes on vacation; not being paid on time; and having parents reduce their hours at will, changing them every week. Leah H., a nanny in San Francisco, recalled how her former employers' requests spiraled out of control: "They had me doing things that were not child related – they once had someone come over and watch the baby so I could clean the house (8,000 square feet, four floors). Then there were the outside errands – buying the dad cigarettes in the middle of the night, going on candy runs for the mother, delivering unmarked envelopes to people....Toward the end, I discovered that I had, in fact, been working for old-school members of the Italian Mafia. I quit shortly after." An extreme example, perhaps, but only the part about the envelopes.

Whether a nanny likes her employers or has problems with them, her affection for the children, especially if she has cared for them since they were babies or toddlers, tends to trump all other concerns. "I have always been astounded by what I can and will put up with when I feel a child really needs me," wrote one nanny. And a nanny in Westchester, New York, confessed her grief at having to leave a child who was about to enter preschool:

"My baby's a big boy now....I rock him at night now when we read stories and think how I'll miss his head against my chest, or the way his hair smells, or the sound of his laugh, or the dimple in his chin, the way he chases his dog, or smiles after a frustration and manages a new skill....I can't stand it, only four more days with him. That's it. Four days....I will and do miss him terribly already and he's not even gone yet."

Finding a nanny

Finding a Nanny
Nanny placement agencies claim that it takes four weeks to find a nanny if you use their services and eight weeks if you do it on your own. Most parents use the agencies or the grapevine to find a nanny, but there is a third option for those who have the time: the park observation method. Go to your nearest park at midday, any time between 11:00 and 2:00. Observe the group of nannies and children you see there. After several days, you may notice one who seems particularly good with the children in her care. Approach her and ask if she happens to be looking for a job. Although this may seem underhanded – you'll be taking her away from her current employer – it is an excellent way to prescreen a nanny. You'll be able to see how affectionate she is with the children, how quickly she runs to them if they get hurt, whether she is attentive and playful with them or more interested in chatting with her friends. It's also instructive to observe a group of nannies together and get a sense of the general level of attention they pay to the children.

If the nanny you approach is open to working for you, you will need to ask for references and do a background check just as you would for any candidate. As for stealing her from someone else, it's no different than when someone is called by a corporate headhunter from a competing company. If the nanny is happy with her current employers, she won't leave. Also, the nanny's job may be ending soon anyway – many nannies must look for work when the child they are caring for enters preschool.

The grapevine is an even better way to locate a nanny because the person you hire will have already been employed by someone you know. However, good nannies tend to stay with the same families for several years, so unless you have a very wide circle of acquaintances you may come up empty with this method. That leaves nanny placement agencies, a generally reliable, if pricey, way to find candidates. Just be sure that the agency itself is reputable. It should belong to an organization such as the International Nanny Association, which maintains a list of approved agencies. It's also wise to choose an agency that has been in business at least a few years. When you're calling around to various agencies, ask them:

How many nannies do you place in a month? A good agency will place at least three to six nannies every month.

How do you screen your nannies? The agency should be able to provide you with information about the nanny's previous employers, her references, and the general impression she made on the people she has worked for. The screener who works for the agency should also offer her own impression of the nanny. Ask also about the screener's background; top-notch agencies and some nanny training schools employ screeners who have degrees in social work and/ or child development. Most agencies will not do criminal background checks until you have selected a nanny and she has agreed to work for you.

What are your fees? They vary dramatically across the country, from around $500 to more than $3,000. If you hire a nanny through a placement agency that is part of a nanny training program, such as the English Nanny and Governess School in Chagrin Falls, Ohio (the Big Kahuna of nanny programs), the fee may be calculated as a percentage of the nanny's yearly salary. Whatever the fee, get it in writing. Most agencies offer a 90-day replacement policy, but few will agree to refund your fee if the nanny doesn't work out.

How do you support and train your nannies? If the agency is part of a nanny training program, they will have a comprehensive description of the training each nanny receives and will provide her with plenty of books and other reference material to take on the job. Other agencies give their nannies a package that includes child-rearing information, daily logs, food and nutrition tips, and toilet-training strategies.

Do you follow up after the nanny is placed? One great advantage to using an agency is that they can help facilitate a good relationship between you and the nanny after she begins working for you. The agency should call you the first week and check in periodically thereafter. Ask about their policy in this regard. If you are having trouble with the nanny or if she has concerns about you, the agency can serve as middleman and help iron things out.

What's your parenting style?

What's Your Nanny Style?
The decision to hire a nanny is almost as gut-wrenching as the decision to have a child in the first place. Intense emotions are attached to the act (guilt and fear, primarily), and those emotions can override your intellect to the point that you end up choosing the first person who makes you feel comfortable and comes with a good recommendation. This can work out fine, especially if you know the family for whom the nanny previously worked and have had a chance to see her in action. If you're hiring a stranger, however, you will need to choose carefully and with much forethought. Having a rapport with the person counts, but it is equally important to think objectively about the type of nanny who would work well with your family.

The main reason this decision is so crucial is that you will want the nanny to stay with your family a long time. Your children will become very attached to her, and they will suffer if she leaves. When they suffer, so will you. The trick is to make sure that the woman who seems so perfect cuddling your infant son will have the imagination to keep him entertained when he's two, as well as the patience and will to discipline him and the energy to chase him around the park.

Before you start interviewing, take stock of your values and parenting style. The following questions may help.

Do you want an auntie or an educator? Any nanny you hire should be warm and affectionate toward your child, but beyond that, do you expect her to be actively involved in teaching him or are you more concerned that she be a loving, consistent presence in his life? If you plan on enrolling your child in preschool, it may not matter to you that the nanny does not speak flawless English. However, if you will be relying on her until your child enters kindergarten, you may want someone with enough English proficiency to teach him basic reading (ABCs, numbers, colors) and other pre-K skills.

Are you looking for a "member of the family" or an employee? In truth, the nanny is an employee, no matter how much time she spends in your home or how much you and your children grow to love her. She will always remain aware of her status even if you tend to forget it. Some families spend a lot more time with their nannies than other families do, however. In those cases it's nice if you enjoy her company and can communicate easily with her in a common tongue. Will you be sharing family meals with the nanny? Will you be shopping with her and taking her on family outings or vacations? Bear in mind that there are wonderful nannies who are perfectly suited to caring for young children but with whom you might not want to spend a lot of time yourself.

Is your parenting style structured or relaxed? Is it important to you that the nanny stick to prescribed routines for mealtime, play, and naps, or do you feel comfortable with a more flexible schedule? How clean do the kids have to be? Can they eat in front of the TV or must all food be consumed at the kitchen table? If you are first-time parents, you may discover that you and your spouse have different views on structure (oh, the fun is just beginning). Take a stab at forming a consensus now, before you start interviewing nannies. You can always adjust your rules later on.

What sort of discipline do you want the nanny to enforce? Discipline is a huge issue for nannies because their bottom line is keeping the child happy and quiet, especially when the parents are around. This usually means placating a child rather than enforcing rules. The more specific and supportive you can be with the nanny about discipline, the more confident and consistent she will be about providing it. Methods of discipline evolve throughout the early years of childhood, so you will need to keep the nanny informed if you change tactics.

Did you have any difficulties with past nannies? If so, do those problems form a pattern? What have you learned about yourself and your parenting style from those experiences?

Have you had a particularly good experience with a nanny? If so, can you identify what it was about that person that made her work so well with your family?

Qualifications, written contract

What are your biggest fears about leaving your child in the care of a nanny? If you can determine these, try to imagine the traits the nanny would need to possess in order to make you feel at ease. Reflecting on these issues will give you a reference point from which to evaluate the nannies you will be interviewing. In addition, there are several other elements that are must-haves in a nanny.

First, the nanny must be reasonably intelligent. She doesn't need a college degree, but she should possess a good deal of common sense. Many intelligent women choose to become nannies, but there are also people who end up in the field because it is unregulated and requires no formal training whatsoever. These women can be very sweet and perhaps work wonders with babies, but babyhood is brief and caring for a child is extremely challenging. There is nothing more nerve-wracking than leaving your toddler in the care of someone who you suspect is not bright enough to do the right thing in an emergency.

Second, you must choose someone who has both the emotional maturity and the physical stamina to care for small children. No age is ideal in this regard: a very young woman might have loads of energy but lack the patience to calm a furious toddler, while a woman in her fifties might have tremendous experience but tire out too easily. The interview questions later in this chapter should shed some light on these issues.

Third, the woman should be a career nanny rather than someone who is only doing it until she has completed night school or found a "real" job. A career nanny should have a solid knowledge of child development, either through formal education or from experience. The interview questions on page 99 are designed to help you gauge the nanny's knowledge.

Finally, the nanny should have recommendations from at least two previous employers who can confirm her commitment to caring for children. (The more references, the better. Call all of them.) If she has letters of recommendation, you should still call to check. Many parents also hire a service to check for a criminal background. Mind Your Business, Inc. (www.mybinc.com; 888-758-3776) and American International Security (703-691-1110) are two such services; the Web site 4nannies.com also offers a background checking service.

What Nannies Want
Chances are, the nannies you interview will be more focused on impressing you than on telling the truth about what they prefer in a work environment. The following issues are at the top of all nannies' lists when it comes to a desirable job. You should discuss them at some point in your interview and include the specifics in a written contract (Nannynetwork.com and 4nanny.com have contracts you can download; they are very comprehensive and you can edit them as you see fit).

Decent pay. Starting pay is about $300-$500 a week for a live-in nanny and $400-$600 for a live-out, but it can go higher. Pay generally depends upon the nanny's child-care skills, experience, and English proficiency; it is also determined by the number of hours she will be expected to work and the number of children who will be in her care. Nannies who can drive and who own their own car command higher wages. Realize that if you pay the least amount you can get away with, the nanny will probably be on the lookout for a better job from the moment she enters your household. Ask your neighbors and friends what the going rate is in your area and match it or go a little higher if possible.

Vacation and sick-pay policy. When your children are small, it can be wonderful to take the nanny with you on vacations. In fact, that may be the only way you and your spouse will get to relax. However, your nanny deserves a vacation, too – a paid vacation. It's a good idea to think about this before hiring the nanny. For instance, if you know you'll be visiting your in-laws over Christmas, you might tell the candidates, "You'll get one week paid vacation at Christmas this coming year and another paid week of your choice." The nanny should also be paid for days she is sick, within reason.

Fair working conditions. Every child-care situation is unique. Some families want a live-in nanny who is available 24 hours a day, five or six days a week. Other parents need someone to arrive at 7 a.m. and leave at 5 p.m. The parameters you require should be spelled out to the nanny during the interview, and once she is hired you should respect those parameters. Don't expect your 7-5 nanny always to be available for last-minute nighttime babysitting jobs, and don't expect your live-in to work on her days off. If you do need extra help, pay the nanny for her time.

What the nanny needs from you

Clearly defined responsibilities. Write down all the things the nanny will be responsible for in addition to the usual feeding, diapering, dressing, bathing, and playing. Do you want your child to visit the park every day or to do a certain amount of arts and crafts each week? Will the nanny be doing the child's laundry? Would you like her to prepare special foods for your child? If this will be your first nanny, ask around to find out what other parents are having their nannies do. While you may at first be reluctant to sign off on various duties, the more you trust the nanny, the more work you will want her to do. In the beginning she might only be required to do a few of the items on your list, but it's best for both of you if she understands that eventually her duties will expand.

A method for resolving conflicts. Even the most agreeable parents and most intuitive nanny will have occasional misunderstandings. A weekly parent/ nanny meeting (it need only be 15 minutes or so) can relieve the nanny's anxiety about how or when to deal with these bumps. It's also a good time to catch each other up on the child's life – funny things he said or did, first bites of a particular food, or new friends made.

A clearly defined scope of employment. How many years do you anticipate needing the nanny? Are you planning on having more children? Will you be sending your child to preschool? Will anyone's schedule be changing in a way that will impact the nanny's job (for instance, Mom returning to full-time work)? Is your family planning on moving within the next year or so? The more you can tell the nanny the better, so that neither of you will be surprised or feel exploited later on.

What Nannies Fear
Once the nanny is ensconced in your house and your child's heart, she will probably be very reluctant to quit, even if she is dissatisfied. However, every nanny has her breaking point. The following are emotional land mines that nannies particularly dread. If you bring them up during the interview, it will put her at ease.

Lack of respect. "I want to be treated as an adult and a professional, not like one would treat a teenage babysitter," says Leah H. "Respecting the contract is huge. Things should never just be changed without some notice or discussion." During the interview, you can show respect by behaving as you would if you were interviewing someone for an office job and by assuring the nanny that she will get a written contract if she is hired.

Lack of support from parents for disciplining the child. A good way to tackle this topic during the interview is simply to acknowledge it: "We want to be consistent with discipline, and we want you to feel supported in what we ask you to do. Our tactics will probably evolve over time, but we will always keep you in the loop." If you already have a system of discipline in place, you should describe it to her and ask if she feels comfortable with it.

Micromanaging the nanny. Looking over a nanny's shoulder and second-guessing her decisions will make her tense and resentful. "One mom left me a note every day (sometimes 10 pages long) picking apart everything I did wrong," recalls April Mirabile, a Massacheusetts nanny. This seems to be a particular problem for stay-at-home moms who employ nannies. If you can honestly assure the nanny that you won't micromanage her, do so.

Invasion of privacy, particularly videotaping without telling the nanny. Secretly videotaping a nanny is a horribly invasive thing to do. Most nannies will quit if they find out you've done this. Some will put up with being videotaped if they know about it, but they won't like it. There are less abrasive ways to check up on the nanny, as we will discuss later in this chapter. Live-in nannies should be assured that their rooms will be off-limits to children and other household members unless they are specifically invited in.

Expecting the nanny to perform extensive housecleaning duties. Some parents, especially those who are at work all day, don't realize how much time it takes to keep a house clean. Bear in mind that every half hour the nanny spends with a vacuum cleaner is a half hour your child is spending alone or in front of the TV.

Conducting the interview

Interview Questions
The key to interviewing anyone, including a nanny, is to frame most of your questions in an open-ended way. The questions should prompt the nanny to explain her reasoning, experience, judgment, and preferences. Before you begin interviewing her, briefly describe the parameters of the job (ages of the children, whether both parents work, whether she'll need to drive), but don't go into detail. You'll only do that if you're satisfied with the nanny's responses during the interview.

The following list covers issues that are fundamental for any family. Before your interview, think about additional questions that would address your family's specific needs.

• Is being a nanny your primary career goal right now?
• What made you decide to become a nanny?
• Have you had any formal training in child development?
• How many nanny jobs have you had in the past?
• Describe some of those jobs. What did you like about your employers? What did you dislike about them?
• Describe some of the children with whom you have worked.
• What types of activities do you enjoy doing with children?
• What are some problems you have had to resolve in your other positions?
• How would you spend a typical day with a child the age of ours?
• What types of discipline have you found to be effective?
• What do you enjoy doing on your time off?
• Do you smoke?
• Do you have any allergies?
• Do you have any health restrictions we should know about?
• Are you trained in first aid and CPR?
• Have you been tested for TB?
• The baby has been crying for twenty minutes and doesn't appear to be hungry, tired, or wet. What would you do?
• The two-year-old is thirty minutes into a tantrum. How would you handle it?
• The toddler has fallen and hurt her arm. Both parents are at work. What would you do?

And, if applicable:

• Do you have a driver's license?
• Do you own a car?
• Do you have auto insurance?
• Are the safety features on the car current and in working condition? (You should double-check this yourself and instruct the nanny on how to properly attach the child seat.)
• Have you ever been in an automobile accident?

Magic Words and Deeds
Experienced nannies are veterans of many interviews and have learned to look for certain words and behaviors that bode well for them. The following will raise your value in the eyes of the nanny.

Tell her that you care a great deal about your children's happiness and well-being. Don't assume the nanny already knows this. Nannies experience a great deal of anxiety when they must care for children whose parents neglect them, and they look for reassurance on interviews that this isn't the case. Says Leah H., "Some people just want a nanny so they can get away from their kids. I want to know that the people I'm working for are not like that."

Approach the interview in a professional manner. Be prepared to discuss hours, compensation, overtime, sick pay, and vacations. "I want to know that they are looking at this as an employer/ employee relationship," says Leah H. "A lot of families expect you to just fall in love with them and not consider the financial portion of the arrangement."

Take your time. The list of questions in the previous section may seem long, but good nannies expect to be queried closely about their child-rearing views and experience. Rushing through the interview signals that you don't value your child's welfare or the nanny's job.

Ask the hard questions. "Parents never ask if I am CPR or First Aid certified," says nanny Jennifer Sibre. "They should ask if I know where the nearest hospital is, how would I react in an emergency, and can I stay calm under pressure. Parents rarely ask about my driving record or if I have ever been involved in a car accident. They tend to ask the 'safe' questions." Tough questions don't insult a good nanny, they reassure her that you are a caring, conscientious parent.

How to present yourself

Give her a glimpse of your relationship with your children. "I always pay close attention to how parents interact with their children," says April Mirabile. "I also like to see if the parents and the children have manners."

Suppose the nanny you are interviewing appears to be a perfect candidate. You delve into the issues discussed earlier in the chapter, and she seems to be on your wavelength. What can you say to make your job offer especially appealing? Salary is the biggest carrot, but there are other perks that might persuade a nanny to say yes. You could offer to:

• Supply a credit card in her name for child-related expenses. A common complaint among nannies is that they must foot the bill for their charge's expenses and then nag the parents to reimburse them. A credit card erases that worry and will make a big difference to the nanny.
• Pay for her airfare home once a year.
• Provide automatic raises every six months.
• Provide her with a cell phone.
• Pay for a gym membership.
• Let a live-in nanny have some say in the design of her quarters – for instance, let her choose the paint color and linens.
• If the nanny has children, pay for their yearly medical checkups.
• Supply incentives for long-term employment. One family promised a car to the nanny if she stayed two years. If you don't have that kind of money, you might offer an all-expenses-paid vacation (even a three-day vacation is a nice perk) after two years of service, tickets to a theme park after each year, or a sizable gift certificate to a department store.

Absolute No-No's
Because most of the middle-class people who employ nannies aren't used to hiring household "help," things can get a little unfocused during the interview. The more prepared and professional you are, the more confident the nanny will feel about working for you. To that end:

Don't talk too much. Ask questions, then listen. The time to talk about your family at length is after you have decided that the nanny might be a good match.

Don't be so desperate that you get sloppy. Deborah B., a nanny in Georgia, says, "I think a lot of times the pressure of having to find child-care ASAP makes parents less discriminating than they might be otherwise. If they seem desperate for someone to start, if they won't say specifically why the previous nanny left, and if they seem unsure about job specifics, I know I won't want to work there."

Don't disagree with your spouse during the interview. "Sometimes if I ask what methods of discipline they use or plan on using, they realize they do not agree with their spouse," says Leah H. All parents have disagreements, particularly when it comes to discipline, but if those disagreements erupt during the very first interview it doesn't bode well for the nanny.

Don't get too personal. "Questions about boyfriends, when I plan to marry or have children, or my religious beliefs – these make me wary because I feel they may try and control other aspects of my life," says Jennifer Sibre. The boyfriend issue is important, but rather than querying the nanny about it you might simply explain your house rules regarding boyfriends.

Don't dress or behave inappropriately. "The most alarming thing was when a mom lit up a cigarette while holding her baby and then offered me a drink," recalls Leah H. "I guess that can be summed up as being too open. There are other things that fall into that category as well – doing the interview in boxers or pajamas, swearing, or telling personal information. I don't mind these things after taking a job. I'm working in people's homes and expect to see some intimate parts of their lives, but there should be a certain level of professionalism to start."

Probation period

On Probation
Even if you fall in love with your prospective nanny, make sure to tell her during the interview that there will be a two-part probation period. Part one will last one week. That way, you can sever the relationship quickly if it becomes obvious that you have made a mistake. Part two can last two or three months. In that time you should be able to ascertain whether you can live with this woman and entrust her with the care of your children.

After your initial interview, you will probably want to have the nanny back to your home for one more meeting, when you can introduce her to your children if she hasn't yet met them and present her with a written work agreement. Your agreement should include:

• Days and hours of employment
• Salary
• Probation periods
• General duties
• How overtime and vacations will be handled
• Dates when performance will be evaluated (usually every six months)
• Dates when raises will be given (usually every six months or once a year)
• Dates when the agreement will be reviewed by nanny and parents (this can occur at the same time as performance reviews)

The diligent parent will use the probation period not only to get to know the nanny but also to check up on her. This friendly surveillance doesn't need to involve video cameras. Instead, use the element of surprise. If possible, check on the nanny in person, unannounced, at various times during the day. Have your friends or neighbors stop by, too. When the weather is warm, nannies often congregate at a local park during lunchtime; if you or your spouse works nearby, you might join them every now and then. (It's quite lovely to chat with the ladies and watch the toddlers play in the sand.) Call at different times during the day and listen for the background noises. Is the TV always on? How about the radio? Is the baby crying? Do the toddlers sound out of control? What about the nanny – does she sound cheerful and relaxed, or stressed out?

It's best if you can be home with the nanny for the first few days or a week. While you are showing her your daily routine, you'll see how capable she is and whether your child is bonding with her. You will also get a sense of her personal life, not only by chatting with her but also by noticing how often she gets phone calls and the nature of those calls. If she appears to be involved in an ongoing feud with someone, especially a boyfriend or husband, the safest move is to let her go.

Allow the nanny some time on her own during this first week, and if she is from another country, make sure she knows how to operate your appliances. Controls for the thermostat, washer/dryer, toaster oven, and microwave may not be obvious to someone who hasn't spent much time in the United States. You can also use this week to introduce the nanny to neighbors, friends, and family members – anyone who may drop by when you're not home. Whether she will be driving or not, you will want to show the nanny around the neighborhood.

Show appreciation, know your legal responsibilities

As Time Goes By
All parents eventually realize that there is no reliable learning curve when it comes to raising children. The years you spend figuring out how to coax child number one to sleep at night might be entirely wasted on child number two, who sleeps easily but refuses to eat anything but white foods. Your child will undoubtedly present the nanny with unique challenges, no matter how experienced the woman is. That's why it is so crucial to keep the lines of communication open. The nanny needs to feel that if she makes a mistake she can confide in you, and if you have a problem with something she's done you will tell her about it and let her make the necessary changes. A 15-minute meeting at the end of each week is enough to accomplish this.

As the months and years progress, how can you make your nanny feel appreciated? Little things count more than you might imagine. "I love the fact that my current employers give my dog presents during the holidays and celebrate my birthday with me," says April Mirabile.

"Offer little bonuses, not just cash but something that shows you pay attention to your nanny's hobbies," suggests Jennifer Sibre. "Once a parent bought me tickets to a local show and I was really blown away that she remembered I loved Les Mis. She also left little notes around saying how much she appreciated things I did."

"Say thank you!" says Deborah B. "Financial incentives are always good, but verbal appreciation, small gifts, occasional chances to leave early, and acknowledgment that you do your best for them and they appreciate it can make my day." Movie passes, restaurant or bookstore gift certificates, even a box of Girl Scout cookies will go a long way toward making your nanny feel loved and valued. When she finally leaves, as one day she must, your eyes may be teary but your heart will be at peace. For if you've treated her right, she may still be willing to babysit.

Your Legal Responsibilities
Some people pay their nanny cash under the table and entirely ignore their tax obligations, but they do so at their own risk. Once you are an employer, you are legally required to pay:

• Social Security and Medicare taxes. These apply when the nanny's annual wages exceed $1,100 and are currently equal to 15.3 percent of the nanny's pay. In theory the amount is split between nanny and employer, but since so many nannies earn very little money, many employers pay 100 percent of these taxes themselves.
• Federal and state unemployment-insurance taxes. These apply when the nanny earns more than $1,000 in a calendar quarter. Federal tax is minimal – less than $100 a year – and state taxes vary.

In addition, the nanny must file income taxes quarterly (except in California). If she doesn't want to do this, you can withhold taxes from her paychecks.

The IRS will provide you with information about getting an employer ID number and setting yourself up. Call them at 800-829-3676 and ask for Form SS-4 and Publication 926. Then you'll need to call your state tax authorities or your accountant and ask which forms your state requires. In general these taxes must be filed quarterly, and federal and state deadlines often don't coincide. If it's all too much of a hassle, you can hire a service to handle the paperwork for you.