• Babies
• Building a Family
• Children
• General Parenting
• Newborns
• Teenagers
• Toddlers
• Pregnancy

Dealing with ADHD: One Woman's Story

Dealing with ADHD

Dealing with ADHD: One Woman's Story

My own experience with special needs has been learning to cope with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). My older daughter was always different from other children her age. Of course, as her mom, I always viewed her as being interesting, creative, and more fun than other children. I still do. But all the while, she was coping with undiagnosed ADHD. Actually, as of the writing of this book we are still in the throes of solving the puzzle of accurate diagnosis. Sometimes special needs are not only one thing and must be approached from several perspectives.

The Creative Side of ADHD

All her life, my daughter kept unusual collections of things and enjoyed exploring topics that were not typical for a child her age. Instead of fairy tales she would beg for books on dinosaurs. Instead of dollies she would ask for lizards and snakes. Not only did she ask for them, she knew all about them and could tell any grown-up a thing or two about their care.

During her early years my daughter was shuttled between her “earth mother's” farm environment—50 acres of frogs, snakes, and other assorted creatures—and her father's immaculate home in the center of an upscale, closely knit community. It was a difficult time for us in the sense that I felt ostracized and my daughter was constantly put in the middle of some fairly rigorous parental competition.

The First Signs Become Apparent

Then, in addition to all this parental strife, my daughter became a difficult child. She was showing early signs of ADHD, but because she was not hyperactive, it was very difficult to pinpoint any set of symptoms as being caused by anything other than the stress of being from a divorced home. She could be a very unpleasant child. Other people might say she could be a little monster, but since she is my beloved child I will only say she could get on your nerves. She was demanding, easily agitated, and often very argumentative.

As she got older we tried different things—but nothing seemed to help. She did a slow crash and burn, developed extreme performance anxiety in school, and started to do poorly. The more the blame was focused in my direction, the more protective I became of her and of myself, and the more the vicious cycle continued.

Looking for Clues

I knew something was wrong with my child as soon as she started exhibiting signs of anxiety. I thought it was because her father was so critical and I did not admit that it might not be completely his fault. I now know that a biochemical disorder can be exacerbated by certain environmental factors, but those factors don't cause the condition. Attention deficit disorder (ADD) and other biochemical disorders are inborn, not cultivated. So there's no point in laying blame. The focus should be on how to help the child. And the greater the cooperation between the parents, the better for the child.

Mom Alert!

Be vigilant in seeking solutions, instead of looking to place blame, when your child shows serious problems in school. Too often a real disability is left undiagnosed because teachers—and parents—are too quick to assume the child just isn't trying hard enough.

The problem with our situation—and it's a very common problem—was that there were enough external factors confusing the issue that no one thought to check our daughter's biochemistry. I had testing done on her through the school but the outcome was inconclusive. Still, the test results contained a lot of the information we could have used to arrive at a proper diagnosis, if only we had been looking in that direction. Instead, we continued the futile argument about which environment would be better for her, my creative one or her father's more controlled household.

Although I felt very frustrated and often depressed about the situation, I didn't give up the search for answers. That old mother's intuition thing would nag at me to always look for something else to explain things.

The Clues Mount Up

This child had a special spark, but something inside her was preventing her from reaching her potential. Although she wanted a more relaxed environment, and it was having a positive effect, it was not changing her performance in school. That remained consistently awful. Every time there would be a teacher conference I would hear the same dreaded comment: This child is not working to her potential.

One day I realized that the issue was not just her environment—it was now a serious issue of her health. I felt it my mission to discover what would help her to simply be a happy, functioning kid. Under the circumstances, I was very alone. The child, at twelve, was refusing to go to school, and I was accused of coddling her. I tried everything to get her to school short of calling in a police officer. I tried to tell people that I thought her extreme phobia had to indicate a serious problem, but all I was told was to get her to school.

Taking control

Spiraling Downward

By this point, my daughter was having trouble keeping track of assignments and would fib about doing them. Her grades plummeted, and now she began having asthma attacks and became prone to illnesses that would keep her out of school. Again I would be blamed, because when she was at her father's he was able to get her to go to school.

I really thought I was losing my mind when my daughter started to slip into depression. I was being told she was fine at her father's, but then at my house she would fall apart. I have since learned that a child can pull it together in certain environments if he feels he has to. When a child is with his mother he most likely feels emotionally safe enough to let everything out. The problem is I was beginning to feel as though I was hallucinating.

Pinpointing the Problem, at Last

When my daughter reached adolescence she fell further apart, but in some ways she was also beginning to pull herself together. She finally realized that something wasn't right and she became very cooperative when I was finally able to get her a preliminary (good) diagnosis of clinical depression and then attention deficit disorder. These are serious conditions, and she's likely to be dealing with them for a long time—possibly all her life. And yet, just having a starting point and some names for what was bothering her brought us all relief. Especially my daughter, who had been convinced that her troubles were all her own fault because she was stupid and lazy.

After conservatively experimenting with various medications we finally found a combination that seemed to work. Medication is extremely important for these mood disorders and for ADHD, and can in fact be miraculous. After only a few days on Ritalin my daughter came home with an A+ on a language arts exam—a class in which, prior to diagnosis and medication, she had been earning a consistent D+. Neither of us could believe it. I practically alerted the media. I felt so validated and I knew that she did, too. I could see her self-esteem expand before my eyes.

Womanly Wisdom

Sometimes just getting validation that there are children with similar symptoms who fit within certain diagnoses (a diagnosis) can make a huge difference in your special needs child's self-esteem. With a name to put on her condition, she can finally stop blaming herself for the limitations she has been laboring under all along.

Vindication and Jubilation

Of course, medication did not magically solve all her problems overnight. She is still in the throes of medicinal experimentation but I am confident we are on the right track. She had fallen pretty far behind, and a simple increase in her ability to concentrate was unlikely to overcome her disadvantage in that regard.

It had been and still is a very difficult journey trying to find answers that would help my daughter just be herself with whatever potential she has. She has been fighting a constant struggle that is really from within. It has been very confusing for all of us. During some very crucial developmental stages she was learning not to trust herself, no matter how hard she tried. It is devastating for a child to feel that no matter what she does she can't succeed.

When in Doubt, Ask!

The most frustrating thing about conditions like ADHD is that you just can't always know which questions to ask. I had never heard of ADHD, and, in fact, it is common for the condition to go undiagnosed in many of its sufferers. But the difficulty of diagnosis is not matched by a difficulty in treatment. The effects of appropriate medication combined with counseling and support can be so profound as to seem almost magical.

Dealing with the Fallout in the Family

A special needs child can influence the harmony of the entire family. When you have a child with an undiagnosed disorder you can be sure you will have conflict between husband and wife and constant struggle between siblings. Different rules apply to special needs children. For the first time in years, now that my daughter is on the right track and I have a sense of what I am dealing with we argue less and get along much better. I am much less exasperated because I can see things from her perspective and I know I am a good mother and that she is not purposely trying to drive me bananas. I can often ask her to do something without getting much argument in return—something I could never do before.

Of course, not all behavior problems are caused by faulty biochemistry. Some children are just plain bratty and spoiled. They present a parenting challenge, but the problems they cause are simply not in the same ballpark as having a child who can't respond to whatever discipline method you use. For example, ADHD children have difficulty understanding the consequences of some of their choices. If you try to discipline them by consequences, you need to make sure the consequences are immediate enough that the kids will care about them.

The Importance of Being Proactive

Whatever your child's special need may be, it is important for you to continue seeking answers until you are satisfied that you have the information you need. As much as we might wish it were otherwise, most situations are not clear-cut. You can't walk into a doctor's office and expect to get all the answers. You have to be far more proactive than you would like to be, because otherwise you will not get the answers you need. You can't give up.

Mom Alert!

Although medication can make a major difference in your ADHD child's social and academic performance, remember that he is still going to need all the support you can give him. Don't forget that he has likely got a lot of issues to resolve from when he was struggling without a diagnosis. Seek counseling if you can so he can have even more support in working through those issues. A trained counselor can also give you the support you need. Sometimes mothers need help too.

We were fortunate because we found professionals who were able to give us some of the answers we needed. We are now getting help with the school issues and are learning how to work behaviorally with some of the issues related to having ADHD or whatever my daughter's ultimate diagnosis might be. We are always looking at ways to improve our lives, but we are doing it together and from a basis of strength and confidence. When you know what you are dealing with you can become a problem solver instead of merely reacting to situations. You can't control many things but at least you can alleviate your confusion about them.