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ADD: The Challenge for Parents and Siblings

Page 1

ADD: The Challenge for Parents and SiblingsThe treatment of an ADD child begins in the healing home--not at school, not at the psychologist's or doctor's office. If a child's parents and other family members do not invest their time, effort, and love in his treatment, there is very little doctors or teachers can do.

A child's response to ADD treatment reflects the family's dynamics. That is not to say a family must be perfect and without conflicts. There are problems in all families, whether they are the Osbournes or the Osmonds. There are no perfect families, and each generation has its own challenges. Your parents raised their children in a different world from the one your child is growing up in. To a great degree, you have to rely on your own instincts and judgment in raising your children. And in the same manner, every family finds its own way to cope with a child with ADD.

Sadly, some families do fall apart because they lack needed guidance and support. The demands of a child with ADD can expose flaws in a family's structure or they can provide a foundation for building an even stronger one.

Certainly, the problems of a child with attention deficit disorder can transform a household into a battlefield. How the parents respond to the disorder and the disruptive behavior will have a strong influence on the attitudes and behaviors of other children in the family. Siblings may be sympathetic to a brother or sister with ADD, but the disruption can seem like a problem that will never go away. They may also experience jealousy over the extra attention their needier sibling receives, and be quick to note and respond when they are held to a stricter code of behavior. They may sense that all kinds of allowances will be made for the sibling who acts out in ways that would never be tolerated of them.

On the other hand, the child with ADD must deal with always being the sick one. No one wants to be labeled a problem child or otherwise socially isolated. We all prefer to be distinguished by our talents and strengths rather than our flaws and weaknesses.

The parents must also cope. New mothers and fathers often joke that they wish each child came with a set of instructions because no two children have the same personalities, needs, or capabilities. Children with ADD present unique and substantial challenges. Frustration and fear will dog parents who feel they have no clue--no prior knowledge, background, or personal experience--how to handle such a child. It's not like treating the measles or mumps. You can't recall what your own mother did for you and follow the same remedies.

For most of us, the first step in handling a child's behavioral problem is to search our own experiences. (If I had acted like that, I would have had extra chores for a week.) But for most parents, ADD is a mystery outside their realm of experience. Often they feel guilt and anger because they don't know how to help or control their child on their own. That guilt and anger can cause turmoil in even the most loving families, which is one of the reasons why the divorce rate for parents of children with ADD is three times that of the general population.

Taking Control of the Healing Process
ADD affects the whole family. Too often, the impact is more destructive than positive (this is a fact that cannot be denied), but that does not have to be your family's reality. The decision you have to make before you turn another page is whether you are going to control and guide the healing process for your child. Your dedication and determination are essential. Without them, the information and guidance I'll provide are useless. But if you are willing to take responsibility for your child's future success and happiness--and that of your entire family--this book will equip you to do that.

You may not feel that you are ready for this challenge, and that is understandable. We rarely feel adequately prepared for the biggest challenges in our lives. I am asking only that you accept responsibility and commit to taking positive action. You cannot take a pass and expect your child's teachers, doctors, or anyone else to step up. As the parent you must be fully engaged in the treatment process. When parents have been committed and dedicated, I've seen incredible results that last a lifetime, not only for the child with ADD but for the entire family.

Page 2The Family Dynamics Audit
To plot the course of any journey you must first take note of your starting point. In determining how your family will best respond to the challenges you are facing, you need to begin with an understanding of your parenting style and your family's dynamics. The idea is not to make a judgment of what is right or wrong, or best or worst, in parenting styles. There are many family structures that work well. There will be no attempt to force a new parenting style on you or your family. The audit that follows is offered to help you gain an objective understanding of the underlying influences within your own home. Often parents tell me that they don't know what their style is, and that's understandable. They can easily recognize patterns in other families but they may need outside assistance in assessing their own. This audit can give you the tools you need to bring that outside perspective to your own life and situation.

Step One (for Parents Only)
From the following words (or more created by the family), each parent privately assesses his or her parenting strengths by circling the most descriptive (these perceptions might be reflections of your own self-image or of how the family has identified you in the past):

I. II. III. IV. V. VI.

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Assuring Supportive Judgemental Mother Hen Needy Stern Patient Watchful Traditional Surrendering Dependent Tense Determined Listener Directive Sympathetic Manipulative Self-absorbed Helpful Indirect Expectation Permissive Limited Director Coach Negotiator Structured Nonthreatening Sick Whimsical Teacher Equal Impatient Moral Receiving Funny Lecturer Partner Ambitious Accepting Baffled Dramatic

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Step Two
In a family meeting, allow the children to decide which descriptions pertain best to each parent, using examples if possible. It might also be helpful for the children to voice how they react to the parent's trait or expression. Again, this is not about blaming anyone or criticizing anyone. The goal is to assess how a family functions so we can later determine the best approach to handling the needs of the child with ADD. Please note that there is no need for consensus or agreement for each description. This is simply an opportunity to communicate observations within the family.

Step Three
Determine which of the following parent types describes your style, based on at least four traits circled in one category. It is permissible and recommended to have your family help you judge between these six types for which best matches your parenting style, either in a group discussion or from a personal survey. There may be more than one style, since there are overlapping approaches, and it is possible to have as many as three at different times.

Descriptions of Parenting Styles

I. The Teacher. This style is based on a perception that the parent adopts the role of teacher of his or her children. This teaching includes specific values and philosophy, cultural attitudes (such as relationships between the sexes and other groups), as well as the proper ethics and manners for the accomplishment of goals. The parent maintains this role for life.

II. The Supporter. Most parents can be described as supportive, but this parenting type maintains the attitude that the child's destiny is beyond one's control. The parent sees himself or herself in the role of supporting the child as he develops his talents and abilities. The Supporter truly reveres the child and may offer advice on achievement strategies, but there are few or no expectations as to the final outcome of the child's direction.

III. The Molder. This type of parent has specific expectations and hopes regarding what the child will become and how he will behave. The parent may have formed career or cultural expectations for the child before the child was even born, and has determined the roles to be played by a child of the family.

IV. The Guide. This permissive type of parent feels a child should be free to grow and express her talents with minimum interference or control from the parent. The parent may employ punishment or guilt to motivate the child to maintain values and behave in acceptable ways, but mostly this parent plays a more passive role. The overriding concept is that if the parent helps the child develop strong values and moral guidelines, they will serve to guide her throughout life. The underlying concept is that control infringes on creativity and individuality, so this parent avoids overt controls in order to reduce the risk of rebellion, resentment, and anger from the child.

V. The Dependent. This parenting style effectively reverses the traditional role of parent and child. At an early age the child has to learn to serve the parent's needs. The child, then, becomes caretaker to the parent, who, for whatever reason--poor relationships, childhood issues, health problems--has a dependent personality.

VI. The Monarch. This type of parent covets center stage in the family. His or her needs are primary. The needs of every other family member are secondary. Often, this type of parent experiences dramatic mood swings that require constant adjustments from other family members to avoid conflict. Every day is a crisis for this parent, and every change creates turmoil because the parent feeds on being center stage.

Page 3Implications of Parenting Styles for ADD
Our parenting styles develop based on our temperament, personal experience, and education derived from schooling, readings, observations, and discussions with other adult parents. We often use our own parents as models, even if we disagreed with their parenting styles as children. What parent hasn't had the thought My God, I sound just like my father/mother?

Our parents are our primary role models, for better or worse. This tends to promote a parenting style lineage. Of course, our spouse's parenting style influences us too. It can reinforce, modify, or cancel out the influences from our own mothers and fathers and other sources.

Still, at any point in our lives as parents, we can learn new methods and approaches that help us change unhealthy or ineffective parenting patterns. The following information, then, may help you adjust your own parenting style so that you can be more effective in dealing with your child's ADD:

I. The Teacher. The strengths of this style offer some very good opportunities for the child to manage his or her ADD conditions. The Teacher parent will tend to view ADD as a challenge but not an insurmountable one. This optimistic and proactive approach can be a wonderful asset for the child.

The downside to the teaching parent's approach is that such parents may tend to form unrealistic expectations of the child. The best approach with an ADD child is to understand both her potential and her limitations without putting undue pressure on her to perform beyond her capabilities. I will offer more in-depth guidelines on educational strategies in Chapter Fifteen.

II. The Supporter. The Supporter parent tends to accept without qualification a child's strengths and weaknesses. That is a blessing when dealing with ADD children because it allows them to develop to the best of their abilities without being pressured to live up to parental expectations. In raising my three children, I was often struck by how they developed talents and interests that I'd never anticipated them developing. It has also struck me that if I'd pushed them into areas that I chose, I probably would have frustrated them and stifled their creativity. This is especially true in the case of children with ADD, who do not respond well to being pushed beyond their abilities or to being closely controlled.

Most children do inherit certain characteristics and traits from their parents, but each child is much more than the sum of her genetic parts. By acknowledging that children with special skills and limitations have special needs and unique goals, we can help them exceed their own expectations and even ours. This is not to say that parents cannot make demands or set goals for children with ADD, but the best approach is to encourage these children to look for opportunities within their grasp.

The limitations of this parenting style may be the willingness to accept the child's performance based on her motivation, rather than the parent's expectations. The ADD child needs more guidance than most.

III. The Molder. This demanding style of parenting has the advantage of providing a clear structure for development. This is especially important for children with ADD because they are often confused by more flexible boundaries. All children need boundaries and clearly defined expectations. Often they act out in inappropriate ways because no one has made the boundaries clear to them.

Yet there is danger in the Molder style because such parents may tend to have expectations that the child cannot fulfill. The problems of high expectations are compounded when a child has a diagnosis of ADD because he often learns in ways unfamiliar to his parents. Without a path that can be usable to the child, any goal appears unattainable. Too often we, as parents, forget to teach the steps and remember only the end results.

Most of the children I have worked with and assessed have expressed the emotional pain of not living up to their parents' expectations. There is a deep desire in every child to make his parents proud. But more troubling to me is that the children's despair is often justified by their parents' disappointment in them.

IV. The Guide. With this permissive parenting style the strength is the bond of loyalty between parent and child. A child with this type of parent often is blessed with the sense that whatever she does, the Guide parent will be there to offer forgiveness, sympathy, encouragement, and support. The downside is that children with Guide parents often act out because of the lack of enforced boundaries and guidelines. In some cases, such children may develop the attitude that they can do no wrong because the parent is so nonjudgmental.

While it is valuable for a child to feel unconditionally loved, this type of parent can place the child in a difficult position. Such parents abdicate too much control, particularly in the case of the child with ADD, who needs distinct guidelines. In my experience, Guide parents are afraid to discipline their children, especially one with ADD, because of their confusion between structure and punishment. Theirs is the child with ADD that everyone learns to dread because of the lack of boundaries.

V. The Dependent. Interestingly enough, children who grow up under this parenting style often learn how to give and nurture in their adult lives. They have relationship skills and, often, deeply held spiritual beliefs. Children with ADD who've been raised by a Dependent parent usually put the needs of others before their own.

Basically, the Dependent retreats from his or her responsibilities and forces the child to act in the role of parent, enacting a role reversal. For example, an ailing mother becomes dependent on her daughter for care. This may be merely convenient in the short term, but it can be harmful over the long term.

The parental pattern promotes the sickness concept in a child, in which symptoms serve as sources of power. In other words, attention can be directed to the one with disease, and ADD can become a basis for attention instead of a set of problems to overcome. If this dynamic continues unchecked, the child has no motivation to overcome the challenges of ADD and may even hold on to the condition as a source of power. This result is not invisible to siblings, who are also in need of power. The disastrous outcome is the continuance of the behavior into adulthood.

VI. The Monarch. The strengths of the Monarch parenting style lie in the command-and-control decision-making process. Often quick and decisive direction is vital in dealing with a child with ADD. The Monarch is decisive and generally not afraid to delegate or to put together a team when confronted with a problem, and that can be of great benefit to the child.

However, problems can arise when the Monarch parent is self-involved, which tends to be the case. The ADD child's needs are such that they often require a parent's full attention--and Monarch parents are often incapable of maintaining that sort of focus on anyone other than themselves. Interestingly, this type of parental style often occurs when one or both of the parents is also afflicted with ADD.

The benefits of this parenting style lie in two regions, correctness and concern for the child. If the parent is using his assertions with correct information, there can be a very favorable outcome because there is so much investment and focus, even if it is the parent who is making the decisions "for" the child. It reminds me of the story of the old man who "taught boys how to be men," in which he asserted responsibilities and courage. The boys who he taught had high praise for his teaching; however, if he had given them wrong information, it might have been disastrous, as it has been for many emotionally disturbed children. The second consideration is that the focus of concern needs to be the child and not the goals of the parent. Even very obsessive parents can be important when their child needs such a warrior for their needs.

Page 4Parenting the Child, Not the ADD
Hopefully, this exercise has provided you with some insight into your own leadership and parenting style. It is not meant as a critique or as an indictment of past behavior. The idea is to look inward and to be honest in your appraisal. Examine both your limitations and your strengths and then build on the strengths.

It is important for parents to develop and tap into supportive relationships, whether with friends, family, community resources, or spiritual beliefs. Although this book will provide you with techniques I believe in, you shouldn't rely solely on them. Don't let your relationships suffer because of the ADD challenge in your family. Do your best to stay in touch with your own support team.

One other cautionary note: be careful that you don't depersonalize the child with ADD. You are dealing with a disorder, but more important, you are protecting a child. That person may have ADD, but he is not ADD. Respect and love the person even as you take action to make his life better. There will be times when you will lose sight of the distinction between the person and the ADD. Anger, frustration, and irritation will get the best of you from time to time, but it will help you to deal with your child as he is rather than as what you think he should be.

Actions to Promote Healthy Family Patterns
A healing home is the secret to treating a child with ADD. I've seen miraculous and inspiring things happen when families rally around a child with the diagnosis. I've also seen terrible, traumatic examples of what can happen when family members run from the challenge. Although dealing with a family member with ADD can be daunting, it can also be a journey to enlightenment and to a deeper and more powerful family bond.

If you haven't done so already, take concrete steps now to assess your parenting style. Identify and document your strengths and limitations. Use the audit provided as a starting point. Begin to write down your own observations of your values and beliefs about yourself and your reactions to one another. Don't focus only on the child with ADD. Take a look at your whole family and at others who may be closely involved. Get the input of other family members so you have an honest understanding of yourself and your impact on your children and spouse. (You may feel that you behave consistently as a team player and Supporter, but everyone else may see you as authoritarian and a Monarch.) This action alone can set your family on a new course.

Second, have a family meeting and discuss the positive aspects of each family member.

• Each person takes a turn in the hot seat. That person becomes the focus of the family and cannot say anything until after his or her turn is over. The other members each express three positive perceptions of the person in the hot seat, with at least one example of each perception. Remember the perceptions must only be positive (no one learns from negative perceptions).
• After the full round is over for the first person in the hot seat, the person can respond to the perceptions in terms of how meaningful they were and how accurate they seemed.
• Another person takes the hot seat and another round is completed as before. This continues until everyone has been in the hot seat at least once.
• This exercise is intended to develop a sharing of perceptions so that everyone can learn from one another and discuss their reactions without defensiveness and regression into anger and denial.

The third action you must take--this is truly an essential action--is to begin to select individuals to be part of your healing team. Find and identify persons from within the family circle, which can include nonblood relationships and trusted friends, who will be available for the following needs (one person can be identified for more than one need):

1. Someone with whom you can let down your defenses and show your vulnerabilities, your frustrations, and your disappointments.
2. Someone who can be trusted to understand the technology and medical information presented so that she can explain it to you when you don't understand or remember.
3. Someone who will provide inspiration for you regardless of how badly things seem to keep going.
4. Someone who will tell you the truth about yourself from an honest and nonnegative perspective.

This is your support team. From here on out it's up to you to let each person know how they can help and be sure that they will seriously attempt to fulfill the roles that you have assigned. Congratulations! You are on the threshold of a journey that will bring healing knowledge from sources of creativity and strength that you may never have known existed for you.

Page 5One of the most interesting families I worked with through the family dynamics process was the Robinsons. Of course, I cannot share the details of their encounter, but the outcome was impressive. The father was very defensive when he was on the hot seat because he sensed a loss of power, but I will never forget the tears that came when each member expressed how much his love and support had meant to them. Instead of the anger he had expected (due largely to the anger he felt for his own father), he discovered that his family truly loved him.

In fact, the expression of love appeared to be the main focus of the overall experience, which was sorely needed. As with many families, communication of love often becomes a low priority when each person is overwhelmed with confusion and low self-esteem. Family meetings focused on the positive can help families recognize their shared values and their strong connection to these values, which in turn can lead to the resolution of many issues.

Assess Your Family Interactions Every Day
ADD is a challenge to your family as a whole and to each of you individually. Each of you can be more loving and more loved. Attention deficit disorder can be managed. It can also bring your family members closer. The success of any therapy depends on the willingness of people to seek more productive behavior. The definition of neurosis is to keep doing the same things while expecting different results. Your child cannot expect better results if his parents keep doing the same things. All members of the family must be willing to change their behavior patterns so the outcome can be different. Every day you can assess your own actions and attitudes: Are you expressing your love of and confidence in your family members? Are you providing enough structure? Are you accepting when you are setting goals for the future? Are you getting the support you need?

Family patterns are fascinating to me, especially when confronting a crisis like ADD. Some families seem more naturally equipped to deal with the new demands, and others seem to falter. It is important to remember that your family can thrive. Family dynamics are not necessarily dependent on personalities and can be altered with greater support. Family patterns may be habitual (even if they are destructive) because they appear to be the only choice we know. Just as overcoming a medical crisis can make a person stronger, so the diagnosis of ADD can bring new life and better communication for everyone in the family.