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Dealing with Aggressive and Nasty Behavior in Your Child

Your child the aggressor

Dealing with Aggressive and Nasty Behavior in Your Child

Up to 30% of kids occasionally or regularly engage in aggressive behavior. Fewer do it on a regular basis. Is your baby a bully? According to Dan Olweus, a Swedish psychologist and an expert on bullying, bullying involves repeated, aggressive behavior with a negative intent from one child to another, where there is a power difference.

Hara Estroff Marano, in “Why Doesn't Anybody Like Me?” noted, “Children who are rejected because of aggressive tendencies are not `bad.' They are unable to decode or `read' emotion effectively, so they misperceive and misinterpret social signals in others.”

When Your Baby's a Bully

A child who is chronically aggressive feels out of control, and tries to get what he wants and needs by taking it from others or otherwise asserting his power over them. While bullies are usually strong and social, the bully doesn't have many friends. Kids, ultimately, reject a bully.

Here's a bit more information about chronic aggression and what you can do if your child is engaging in bullying behavior:

• The child who is bullying others wants social success, but doesn't know how to attain it. He's grabbing for it, instead of being kind, interested in others, and empathetic.
• Your child doesn't need your rejection or anger, he's getting more than enough of that at school. He needs your support, and your skills.
• Kids who bully are hypersensitive, and often feel a bit paranoid, as though people are out to “get” them. They aren't skilled at reading social situations, and they often register unintentional slights or accidents as direct attacks.
• Kids tend to initially like a child who bullies; they try to please him, follow his lead, and want to be his friend. This doesn't last—as kids become more frightened of him, he loses clout.
• Your child may need help understanding social structure. He doesn't know how to contribute to others, or to share.
• “Boys will be boys” is not a valid excuse for bullying behavior.
• The kid who is bullying others often gets into trouble, but always has a scapegoat.
• Don't label or let others label him a bully. People can change, and aggressive tendencies can be channeled.
• Consider that chronic aggression may be a sign of a learning disability or other problems.
• Don't pity your child, but take action to improve his communication skills. Let him know why is having trouble making friends, “Joe, kids aren't friends with people who hit them and are angry all the time.”
• Engage your child in a problem-solving session, or brainstorm ways for your child to get his friends back or make new ones. Make sure the ideas come from your child, or, at least, are adopted by him.
• Bullying an aggressive child will not teach him anything.
• Be specific, consistent, provide a lot of positive reinforcement, and set very clear limits. Show no tolerance for aggressive behavior. The only way to truly stop bullying is to create a climate where aggressive behavior is consistently not tolerated.

Your child the victim

Cruella de Kid

Classic bullying is more common among boys, while girls tend to manifest their aggressive behavior in other ways, namely cruelty, or psychological warfare.

Kids who are more subtly aggressive try to control the social dynamics by excluding other kids, talking behind others' backs, saying mean things, and withholding friendship (“I won't invite you to my party unless you…”). Kids are often cruel because they fear being excluded themselves.

• Victims of even one seemingly small instance of cruelty often hurt for a long time, and sometimes they never forget it. Cruelty damages.

It's a Good Idea!

Parents aren't always aware how their child is doing socially: highly popular, aggressive, victimized, or just doing fine. Ask her about her school day. “What was your favorite thing about today?” “What was your least favorite thing?”

• Children often exclude others because they've been excluded themselves.
• If you see your child being cruel to another, show her your disapproval, and talk with her about appropriate ways to talk with and play with people.
• Support your child's efforts to reach out to friends. Encourage her to invite friends for dinner, for overnights, to special events.
• It's easier to avoid cruel behavior in a one-on-one play date, rather than during group social time.

When Your Child Has Been Excluded

All kids feel unpopular or excluded at times. Alas, sometimes they really are. Group dynamics are always changing. Cliques, especially among girls, are part of the developmental process of discovering what it means to be a member of a group. When your child feels excluded, be a big ear and listen well. Calm her by listening (advice doesn't usually help) and help her by involving her with other groups and activities as well.

When Your Child Is Chronically Victimized

If your child has become victimized in more than one social setting, then something else is going on, and she needs some help to become more adept socially. Don't let victimization slide. Work with her to develop more assertive behavior, to deflect teasing, and to show her strength. Victims often remain victims because they reward their tormentors by crying or cringing. A child who can stand up to a bully (and this doesn't mean beating the crap out of him, it's more a psychological thing) often stop being targeted.