Can a 2-Year-Old Be Spoiled?

Where it all Starts

• The quick answer to whether a 2-year-old can be spoiled is ̶0;It depends on your definition of spoiled.̵7;̶1; A definition of spoiled should take into account the psychology of a 2-year-old because children under the age of 3 lack an important aspect of the human psychology: ̶0;Theory of Mind.̶1; The psychological concept of theory of mind is the ability to understand the feelings and thoughts of others. When you are frustrated, your partner might drop what he is doing and come to show his concern as well as provide you with help. This action comes from his understanding of your thoughts and feelings, which is a developed ability. Your toddler simply lacks this ability and might appear spoiled due to his ignoring your desires, needs and current mood.

Self-Centeredness and Independence

• The actions of a 2-year-old differ greatly from those of younger toddlers, and the reason lies in their new-found sense of autonomy. According to developmental psychologist John Gottman, author of ̶0;Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child,̶1; the primary developmental task of a 2-year-old is to gain the ability to establish independence. For this reason, 2-year-olds are prone to contradicting their parents, teachers and peers. A 2-year-old wants to prove to the world that he can do things herself, make his own decisions and be his own boss. Parents in turn fret that their little rebels' behavior emanates from self-centeredness. In truth, much of the refusal and rejection parents face with their toddlers, painful as it is, stems from a healthy need to display independence. If you listen to your toddler as he plays mommy or daddy with a toy such as a teddy bear, you will hear him emulate you. So what you say and do does matter, even though it doesn't always seem that way.

The "Mine" Stage

• When talking about kids, parents tend to use the word ̶0;spoiled̶1; in place of the word used in the adult world, ̶0;greedy.̶1; Children from around age 2 to 3 indeed seem remarkably greedy. A parent will find it easier to sew a button on a hubcap than to get a 2-year-old to share. This problem again stems from a lack of theory of mind. Your young child simply has no concept of possession, other than their own sense of possession. The basic rule running through a 2-year-old's head is: ̶0;Whatever I see is mine, and once it̵7;s mine it̵7;s always mine.̶1;

Drop the Blame Game

• Parents worry about spoiling their children because the word ̶0;spoiled̶1; implies the parents are too permissive. But because children under the age of 2 lack theory of mind, blaming yourself or the other parent is unhelpful. Instead, a parent concerned with a spoiled 2-year-old can focus on helping the young child develop his sense of independence in a productive way. Gottman recommends giving your 2-year-old small but meaningful choices throughout the day. This method not only lets your 2-year-old demonstrate his sense of autonomy, but it also makes it easier to get your 2-year-old to do normally difficult things. For example, instead of fighting with your 2-year-old about eating vegetables, give him a choice, such as by asking him, ̶0;Do you want to eat carrots or sweet potatoes with dinner?"