How to Communicate With an Estranged Child
Children can become estranged from parents for any number of reasons: divorce, long-term separation, illness, abuse, poor self-esteem, even constant negative feedback due to exacerbating behavioral conditions like hyperactivity. At some point in time, the underlying issues that contributed to the estrangement need to be addressed and worked through. In the meantime, the alienated parent can reach out and begin the process of re-establishing a positive relationship. According to psychologist and author Joshua Coleman, "While parents are not always to blame for an estrangement ... typically they are the ones who have to initiate repairing the relationship."
Things You'll Need
- Regular contact
Instructions
Reach out. Contact your child by the easiest means possible. This may be by phone, email, twitter, letter or walking into his bedroom. Once you've formed a reliable way to regularly communicate with your child that he does not see as invasive, regularly talk with him. He may be angry and unresponsive at first, but your opportunity is to see beyond the short-term negativity and focus on the long-term investment of attempting to mend the familial bond. Don't worry about one-sided conversations; children don't hold grudges for long. Often even the most recalcitrant child will begin to make eye contact with you and grudgingly respond after a few contacts. Seek to understand. When initiating positive relationships, author and educator Stephen Covey advises, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." Your estranged child wants her feelings to be acknowledged and understood by you. Regardless of whether her grasp of what caused the breach is accurate or not, focus on recognizing where she's coming from and allowing her deference to her view. Empathize and reflect back to her what she shares with you in a genuine, caring manner. You can't fool children; they see right through any insincere display of compassion. Validate your child's feelings. Right or wrong, skewed or dead-on accurate, a vital part of building a new relationship bridge with him is to always allow him, in a nonthreatening manner, to share his feelings, thoughts and views. As time goes on and he feels validated for what he's gone through, he will be more open to input from you. He'll set his foot on the first board of the bridge, showing a glimmer of trust -- another crucial element in closing estrangement. Say you're sorry. Even if the estrangement is in no way your fault, you can be sorry for the estrangement itself. Sincere apologies help heal wounds. Engage in regular enjoyable nonthreatening activities with your child. Find commonalities in joint interests. Invest in playtime together. Play can take a multitude of forms -- everything from a rough-and-tumble soccer game, constructing a model airplane, an hour at the library, a hike or eating a hot fudge sundae to a night at the ballet. Weekly enjoyable activity time puts flesh on the bare bones of a fledgling positive relationship. Assure him that you love him. From the first moment you commence to bridge the estrangement gap with your child, tell him you love him. Even if vocalizing your love for him is nothing you grew up with, or was not a habit previous to the estrangement, consider simple and quick expressions of "I love you" the nails holding together the bridge you're both constructing. Now make sure that your actions are always in congruence with your vocal declarations of love; virtually no child can remain estranged for long when he has an adult in his life that he can trust, knows truly loves him and is a heck of a lot of fun to be around.
