Teaching Kids Boundaries With Peers

The social learning that takes place in the peer interactions and relationships of childhood and adolescence form the foundation of how children will manage their relationships in adulthood. The degree of satisfaction and happiness they will experience in those relationships is strongly influenced by the relationship skills they learn while growing up. Teaching children how and when to establish and maintain boundaries with peers, as well as about respecting others' boundaries, is important to the quality of their relationships, now and in the future.

  1. Be a Good Role Model

    • Children learn important social skills from interacting with parents and by watching parents interact with others, according to the National Association of School Psychologists. When parents model good boundary setting and maintaining skills in their relationships, they lay the foundation for their children to do the same. Talk to children about social relationships and decisions, advises Jacquelyn Mize, Ph.D., et al., of Auburn University's Department of Family and Child Development. When your children witness you using peer boundary skills, use those valuable teaching moments. If your children hear you tell a friend you can't visit on Sunday, a day you set aside for family time, suggesting another day instead, walk them through your decision to maintain that personal boundary. Point out the techniques you used, such as telling your friend you were looking forward to seeing her, so she knew you wanted to spend time with her, and proposing another day. Your children will learn how to use those techniques with their own peers.

    Incorporate Boundary Concepts into House Rules

    • House rules, behavioral expectations and sibling interaction standards should reflect healthy boundary concepts, creating an environment that encourages the development of good boundary skills. Teach siblings from the very beginning to respect each others' bodies, feelings, belongings and space. Don't allow siblings to breach boundaries that should be respected. There should be no name calling, trash talking -- even in play -- and no unwanted physical contact, like sitting on top of or too close to. Prohibit mean-spirited teasing and mean play, such as holding a toy just out of a smaller sibling's reach, explaining that it isn't play if everybody isn't having fun. Listen as they work out their disputes, intervening if there are boundary violations.

    Personal Space, Personal Boundaries

    • While you can teach behaviors relating to boundaries, like personal space and appropriate touch, much earlier, it isn't until about 5 years old that the concept of personal space becomes meaningful on a cognitive level, according to a Scholastic article on boundaries originally appearing in the March 2000 issue of "Early Childhood Today," written by Carla Poole. Perceptions widen with physical and mental development, and at this age children become more aware of their own personal space and how it interacts and intersects with that of others. At this age, they also become better able to understand nonphysical personal boundaries, such as things they should never say to others.

    Developing Assertiveness

    • Assertiveness is a key element in the establishment and maintenance of personal boundaries. All of these are important to children in developing healthy social relationships and avoiding bullying behavior, both in the sense of becoming a bully and being a victim of a bully, according to an article by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S., writing for Psych Central. Show children to behave assertively by modeling such behaviors. Teach specific skills, such as using a confident, calm speaking tone, relaxed posture and steady eye contact. Use role-playing to teach children assertive situation management techniques.

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