Questions for the Birth Mother After an Adoption of a Newborn

In an open adoption, not only are the adoptive parents taking in a new baby, but in a way they are also adopting the birth family. When a birth mother and an adoptive family agree on an infant's placement, they enter into a legally binding contract granting the adoptive family custody and relinquish all parental rights over the newborn. The families also enter into a contract defining how much contact the birth mother wants with the adoptive family. Questions about genetic history, due date and pregnancy symptoms are in the past at this point, but there are still questions you can ask the birth mother after you have adopted the newborn.

  1. How Are You Feeling?

    • This is a simple question, but goes a long way in showing the birth mother that you still care about her even after adopting her baby. Depending on the agency you work with, you met the birth mother between a few weeks to a couple months before she was due. In the first few months after an adoption, when you are growing and nurturing your family, remember that without her you might remain in the planning stages of your adoption.

    Is Your Life Getting Back to Normal?

    • Even though she did not bring the baby home to raise herself, the birth mother is still working to get her life back on track after the delivery of her newborn. Ask her when she is going back to work, if she is meeting her weight-loss goals and how she is handling questions from family and friends. If the birth mother is a teen or very young adult, she may face criticism when returning to school after giving birth and may not have anyone else she can talk to about the adoption.

    Are You Experiencing Any Depression?

    • An adoption is emotionally hard on its own without the added stress of post-pregnancy hormones. Talk to the birth mother about any postpartum or post-adoption sadness or anxiety she is feeling. Even when the adoption is something she chose, the birth mother might still feel overwhelmed by her hormones and emotions. Let her know that you are there for her to talk to if she needs it. You may or may not be able to relate to the post-pregnancy hormones, but having a person to talk to can help her get through this difficult time.

    Do You Need Help With Anything?

    • If you live in the same town, or if you are staying nearby while waiting to bring home your new baby, offer to help the birth mother. She is not taking the baby home to raise it, but she is recovering from labor and delivery of the infant. Especially if she had any complications or surgery, offering to help out in any way you can will go a long way when building your post-adoptive relationship with her.

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