Problems With Potty Training Willful Children

Refuses to Sit on the Potty

• When working with a willful child, you will want to help your child feel it's his idea to sit on the potty. Do some pregrooming, such as talking with another adult or older child about how grown-up you are when you go potty. When you are talking to your friend and you know your child is listening, tell her in a hushed tone how excited your are about your child going potty because you have a special "big boy" present picked out. You want your child to feel as though he overheard a big secret.

  If you're already in the midst of the training with no opportunity to pregroom, stop the potty training and tell the child how sad you are that he is still not a "big boy." You want him to feel that you're sad for him, not that he's won you're giving up or that you're ashamed.

  Have other children reinforce this by talking around your willful child, not directly to him, about how great it was when they became "big boys or girls." This conversation will need to happen in the same room until you get the results you're looking for. And of course, let them overhear the special present conversation.

Fear Resistance Rather Than a Power Struggle

• It can be difficult to tell the difference between a child who is simply in a power struggle with you versus a child who is afraid. In both cases, you will hear the word "No" or crying and a refusal to use the potty. Children are not necessarily able to articulate their fear, so it's up to you to find a way to get them to discuss what scares them about the potty.

  A strong-willed child who is also afraid may need a more gradual approach. You may want to work on eliminating the fear first. For instance, if she's afraid she'll fall in, have her teach a doll how to sit on a potty. Make sure you have a doll that is large enough so it won't fall into the training toilet. As she sits the doll on the potty and sees over and over again that the doll doesn't fall in, that fear will go away. If you can pinpoint the time your child has a bowel movement, that would be a good time for her to potty train the "baby."

  Once the fear has been removed, half the battle has been won, and you can simply focus on the willful nature of your child by creating an atmosphere where going to the potty is her idea. You may incorporate the "baby" potty training into this by suggesting to your child that she show the "baby" how it's done. If you get resistance to this, don't push it, because your child understands you're trying to trick her, and this will create more resistance.

Willful Resistance for the Sake of Resistance

• There are some children who will resist potty training simply because it's what you want them to do. It's easy to become frustrated and scold or spank the child to get cooperation. Don't fall into this trap because it only causes the child to fight back in the only way he can---through defiance.

  If you've already fallen into that cycle, you need to stop and apologize to your child for punishing him. Explain that he needs to pee and poop every day and it's up to him to help his poop go swimming in the potty. Apologize for trying to help him remember and explain that you know he is big enough now that he doesn't need your help to remember.

  Assuming he does know how to use the potty, let the subject drop and don't have any conversations about going to the bathroom. Once your child sees there is no longer anything to fight, he should decide to go to the bathroom on his own.

  Place a candy jar somewhere out of reach of your child and casually tell him to let you know when he goes potty so that he can enjoy a sweet treat. Enlist the help of everyone in your home as well. Everyone should announce before they go to the bathroom that they are going potty. When they come out of the bathroom, be sure to give them the treat when your child is present and express enjoyment while ignoring your child. Eventually your child will want a treat for himself and decide to use the toilet.