How to Help Teens Deal With Text Misunderstandings

Ask to see the text message conversation in question. If your teen is complaining that a friend or boyfriend said something upsetting via text, you can get a better idea of the context if you read the conversation yourself. If your teen is wary of letting you read all of her text messages, ask that she take screenshots of the messages in question and send you the pictures so you can understand more about the conversation.

Explain to your teen the difference between verbal tone and typed tone. It can be hard to determine the tone and spirit with which a message was sent. While your teen might interpret a message as insulting, her friend might have meant it to be funny. Consider the difference between a verbal apology versus saying, "I'm sorry" in a text message. A lot of subtle nuancing can be lost when sending a text message. A texter doesn't hold herself accountable to the recipient. In a face-to-face apology or in a phone apology, the one who is apologizing needs to look at the pain on the other person's face or to hear the pain in the other's voice. Quick words are glib and they sound insincere. "A full-scale apology means I know I've hurt you, I get to see that in your eyes," according to Sherry Turkle, a psychologist at MIT. "There are many steps and they're all bypassed when we text...The complexity and messiness of human communication gets shortchanged. Those things are what lead to better relationships."

Ask your teen to examine her tone if she sent a text message that was negatively perceived. If she is texting a friend about what to do on a Friday night and texts, "I don't care," it could come off as flippant or terse, when she is actually trying to be agreeable. If her friend gets upset and texts something like, "If you don't care then let's just not hang out," then you could speak to your teen about how her friend might have perceived her original text negatively. Then, help her craft a better response like, "I picked what we did last week. Do you want to pick this time?"

Help your teen understand the tone behind a text that she feels is negative or offensive as the recipient. If she and a friend are talking about a school project, for instance, and her friend says, "Well, you can be the group leader because you like to be in charge." It might sound like a negative comment if read with a negative tone -- but her friend could also mean it as a compliment. Read the text aloud and examine the various tones that could be used for the same message.

Encourage your teen to call her friend and discuss the issue over the phone or face to face, rather than continuing the conversation via text and risking further misunderstanding. Then, remind your teen that certain things should never be discussed via text. While it is OK for her to text a friend about a homework assignment or to hang out, messaging about important stuff like relationships or a conflict practically invites misunderstanding.

Remind your teen that anything she types in a text message. Some 47 percent of teen cell phone owners sent a message that they later regretted, according to a 2010 survey completed by Pew Research. Before your teen sends a message, she should think whether she would want the message preserved in the future or if it would be something better left unsaid or discussed face to face.

Stop text messaging wars if your teen continues to argue with a friend or acquaintance via text. A cell phone is a privilege and you can take away a phone if your teen doesn't use it responsibly. You can return the phone once you talk about responsible texting, dealing with texting conflict and your teen promises to use her cell phone with better care in the future.