How to Deal With Grandparents and Favoritism

Children and grandparents share a special bond that should be fostered and respected. There are times when grandparents show favoritism over siblings, and this becomes a problem. This can happen in many ways. Sometimes it is as simple as birth order that allows a favored relationship to arise with a firstborn or a new baby can become the focus of the grandparent. Either way it can cause the child out of favor to feel unloved and excluded. It is important that favoritism be addressed and worked out within the family.

Instructions

    • 1

      Talk to the grandparent and let them know that you have been observing moments of favoritism. This conversation is the beginning of a potential solution. Try to keep your emotions in check and be careful not to accuse them. Say things like, "I think that John is feeling a little left out," versus saying, "You are being unfair to John."

    • 2

      Give concrete examples of situations that you have observed as favoritism. Often, when a grandparent is told that she is playing favorites, she may genuinely not be aware or may deny that she is doing it. Show how the favoritism had consequences. You might be able to say, "Taking Jack to the mall and not asking John if he wanted to go hurt his feelings, and the kids started fighting when you got back."

    • 3

      Listen to your children. Talk to them and learn how they feel about the situation. Get information from them about what they would like to do with their grandparents. You do not want to put an issue in their mind that they may not be aware of. So, instead of saying, "Do you think that Grandma treats you differently than Jack?" say, "Are there things that you would like to do with Grandma?" In this case you are trying to get a sense of what their emotions are around their grandparents and siblings.

    • 4

      Request that there be no difference in the number or quality of gifts given by the grandparent. Do not allow the grandparent to come over and give one child something, such as a video game, and the other nothing or a smaller or less significant gift. You may need to monitor and evaluate gifts before they are given to the children if the grandparent does not abide by this request.

    • 5

      Provide situations that diffuse the chances of favoritism. Be aware when the children's grandparent wants to separate them and go off with one for an activity. If favoritism becomes an issue, separate activities must be stopped until ground rules of behavior are established. For now, if the grandparent wants to take one child out to the mall, make sure that the other child goes along and each child has something to do with the grandparent while at the mall.

    • 6

      Create special activities and times for each grandchild to be alone with his grandparent. This step can occur once everyone is back on good terms and the grandparent is aware of the need to share quality time with the grandchildren and can now have separate quality time with each grandchild. Separate times allow each grandchild to feel special and gives a chance for the child who doesn't have a strong relationship with the grandparent to build one.

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