How Does Perfectionism Affect Parenting?

How Perfectionism Affects Parents

• Perfectionism makes parenting more stressful, according to a study led by Megan Lee of Ohio State University. Parents who exhibited higher levels of perfectionism also demonstrated less ability to adjust to their roles as parents. Dr. Rick Nauert, in an article on the PsychCentral website, says, "The pressure to be the perfect mom or dad may backfire as the stress to be flawless can undermine parenting skills." According to the Ohio State University study, fathers may handle perfectionism better than mothers. Mothers with higher standards displayed lower levels of confidence in their parenting skills, while fathers demonstrated higher levels of stress and anxiety about how other people judged their parenting ability, but were more likely to benefit from that stress. Perfectionist parents often measure their own success by their children's achievements, according to an article in Psychology Today. However, parents̵7; desire for their children to excel as a means to validate their own worth puts pressure on children that can itself manifest as perfectionism. Perfectionist children show higher levels of depression and anxiety that continue into adulthood.

How Perfectionism Affects Children

• Children see the pressure they receive from their parents to succeed as criticism and then try to be perfect themselves. Perfectionists worry that a mistake or less-than-impeccable performance will lead others to think badly of them. In this case, perfectionist children fear any failure will disappoint their parents and cause their parents to think less of them. The perfectionistic attitude and often unrealistic expectations of their parents can cause psychological distress and anxiety, according to Psychology Today. Fear of making mistakes conditions children to avoid challenges, and they become more rigid, less playful and less creative. Since they focus so much attention on their performance, children of perfectionist parents may have more difficulty learning and retaining information. Children who strive for perfection are more likely to have lower self-esteem, contributing to depression and anxiety.

How Perfectionism Affects Relationships

• Children of perfectionists perceive the message that being loved is linked with being perfect. Usually, children of perfectionists will continuously try to please their parents, leading to the children adopting the same perfectionist attitude. However, sometimes a child who feels that he can never please his parents may give up or turn to rebellious behavior. This is especially true of younger siblings, if they feel that older siblings are actually achieving perfection in their parents' eyes.

Suggestions to Thwart Perfectionism

• The best defense against children adopting the perfectionist attitudes of their parents is to encourage excellence instead of perfection, as well as support children as they experience failure, according to Dr. Jim Taylor, professor of psychology at the University of San Francisco. "Without a fear of failure," Dr. Taylor notes, "your children can turn their gaze toward success and pursue it with commitment and gusto, knowing that you will love them no matter what." Children need to be free to be themselves, whether that means not learning to tie their shoes until they̵7;re older or getting a less-than-stellar grade in math. Otherwise, children may get the message that they̵7;re less lovable when they̵7;re not perfect. If parents are rewarding perfection, kids begin to connect being perfect with their self-esteem, says Dr. Taylor, noting that later in life, extreme perfectionism can lead to depression, anxiety and substance abuse.