How to Parent a Rebellious Teenager

Teenagers are like transparent glass. They show everything they have been taught - good, bad, and ugly. They are moody. They fight you over small things that seem inconsequential. They sleep all the time. They may even hit you. They stay out at night, have unprotected sex, ditch school and do drugs ... wow, is this what we signed up for when we first saw our beautiful bundle of joy so many years ago? Probably not.

The first step in helping your teenager is realizing that there are some (mind you, not ALL) things he cannot help. Hormones are raging through his body which causes the moodiness, depression and sudden outbursts. There is also a chemical released in their brains around the time of puberty which makes them want to sleep. This lasts through their teen years. That sleep is needed for growth, restoration and healing. I am not making excuses for bad behavior here, there is none. But, I want you to look at the areas your teenager cannot help before moving on to other areas he can help.

Now, there are things your teenager could control - his outrageous clothing, attitude and disrespectful comments. I remember a raging fight I had with my mother when I was a young teenager over a pair of Gladiator shoes. We laugh now, but it was a huge fight. I wanted desperately to look like the popular kids, but I didn't. I hated wearing dorky clothes and feeling like an old lady. Looking back, I didn't look like an old lady, but I felt that way in high school. If the clothing is not over the top, then let it slide a little and let your child express individuality. But, what if it is over the top? That's a tough one because as a teenager, it's difficult to make them wear specific clothing. Try to find brands that are popular yet, not offensive. If they are gang related clothing, you have a bigger problem on your hands.

At the core of your child changing has to be a desire to change or to improve your family life. You may be dealing with a child who's heart is hardened and is not open to change. Unfortunately, if that is the case, you will not see much growth and the fighting will probably continue. But, if you talk with your teenager about improving your family (instead of pointing a finger at everything he/she is doing wrong), bring up good memories from the past of how things "used to be" (or appeared to be) and speak respectfully to your teenager and hear their ideas for changing your family life. A respectful conversation with him/her may be what's needed to get them to have a desire to see growth and change in the family ... to hope for more than what they know presently.

Now, comes the hard part ... what about you? I found through the boot camp we attended that I had never put down a set of core value rules for our family. I assumed my kids knew them but I hadn't really thought them out. I also learned I was an inconsistent wife to my ex-husband. I fought him almost daily over the treatment of my son (his step-son) and after two tumultuous years, left him. I learned that my kids were in control of my home and I was mearly paying the bills and taking up space. I learned I was weak and in denial. These were very heart wrenching and difficult life lessons for me that I don't expect you to get the full impact of in one article.

The point here, though, is that you have to look at yourself. If you have raised your child fighting with him/her, not giving equal treatment to all the children (meaning, no real set of core values), and fighting with your spouse in front of them and not showing unity, I guarantee that your child has learned to manipulate you, get around the so-called rules, and increase his/her level of disrespect towards you and your spouse and possibly even chip away at your relationship with your spouse if you are not united.

Once you have a short, clear set of rules defined, along with appropriate consequences (which do not include hitting), begin to meet weekly as a family and discuss problems. It may mean you make big changes. If your child is struggling in school, you may need to reduce bills/cost of living to work less so you can help him/her. Take time weekly to just hang out alternating doing things each member likes to do. Be willing to compromise, but as the parent, be the parent - not the friend. That means you have to say, "No" sometimes and if your child goes against the rules, that you have to implement the consequences. The difference is that the rules are defined as well as the consequences.

I can speak from experience that everyone needs to have buy in 100% and want a better family. Unless your teenager is doing drugs, he/she probably would want to see happier times with the family. I wish you the best of luck and hope this article will help you and yours.