How to Deal With Siblings Who Are Bossy

Power Dynamics

• If both parents have to be at work at the same time, or in any other situation where the children have to be left alone frequently, one sibling may assume control. This can be a positive development if the sibling in charge is helping out, taking care of younger brothers and sisters in a responsible way. Sometimes the dominant sibling is not looking out for the other children, but trying to boss them around to satisfy a need for control or power. This can happen for a number of reasons, but one of the most common is a lack of clear boundaries and parental authority, according to the Empowering Parents website.

Changing the Dynamic

• If a bossy sibling has assumed control of the family's power structure, the parents will need to reassert their own authority. This can be done by changing the schedule, if possible, so the children spend less time alone with the bossy sibling. Confront the bossy sibling directly by setting new, clear limits and enforcing those limits consistently so that all the children know exactly what is expected of them. Include clear and specific rewards for meeting expectations, as well as consistent consequences for not doing so.

Communication Issues

• Problems with bossiness are not always caused by power issues. Especially with younger children, bossiness is sometimes just a result of the child not understanding how to communicate his own needs and wishes in a respectful way. Children at the age of 6 or younger can often be overwhelmed by their emotions and not have much insight into their own behaviors. Don't assume their actions are intentional or consciously manipulative. The child may be speaking in a bossy way to other siblings because she has not yet learned a better way to communicate. Clear boundaries and consequences are still important, but try to teach the child better communication skills as well.

Types of Consequences

• One broad type of consequences is to withhold a reward or privilege. This is most effective when the consequence has been specified and agreed on beforehand. For example, an hour of video game time can be a reward for being kind to siblings. This reward can be withheld as a consequence for bossy behavior. The other type of consequence is a natural or logical consequence. For example, children will often choose not to play with another child they perceive as being bossy. If this occurs, you can allow your child to experience the natural consequence of his bossy behavior rather than intervening to fix the problem when he complains that he is lonely because no one will play with him. This is more likely to be effective if you have a conversation with your child about the reasons for the situation.