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The iConnected Parent: Are You Making Life Too Easy for Your Teen?

Staying Connected Through Modern Technology

The iConnected Parent: Are You Making Life Too Easy for Your Teen? iPhones. Email. Skype. In this day and age, keeping in touch with people is almost always just a click, dial, or keystroke away. And this includes your college-aged child.

Nobody ever said being close with your child is a bad thing. But is modern day technology making it too easy for teens and young adults to go running to mom and dad for help--and therefore hindering their ability to grow up?

In their book, The iConnected Parent: Staying Close to Your Kids in College (and Beyond) While Letting Them Grow Up, authors Barbara K. Hofer, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Middlebury College, and Abigail Sullivan Moore explore this new phenomenon, and discuss the good and bad of having such easy accessibility.

The pros and cons of easy accessibilityPros
Kids and their parents today are a lot closer than in past generations, and this is largely sustained by modern technology— text messages, emails, Facebook, and phone calls.

Children feel they can confide more in their parents, and parents report feeling closer to not only their children, but their children's friends as well. Modern technology has allowed them into a part of their lives that older generations may not have been privy to.

"The key seems to be in using this contact in ways that enhance development, rather than sustaining dependence," Hofer points out.

Cons
There are some central drawbacks to having too much accessibility. Hofer and Sullivan have found that students with the most contact with their parents were the ones least capable of taking care of their own lives.

When a student is able to call home right away, the parent experiences the "emotional heat of the moment," as Hofer describes it.

"In the days of weekly phone calls from the dorm phone, students often distilled the week and talked about highlights," she says, "The sting of a poor grade, a social rejection...might have faded by the time they were described to parents. Now...students whip out their cell phones as they leave class...and relay their agony as they walk across campus." "College students need to live their lives without having to process all of it with their parents," says Hofer, "So too much contact can keep them from developing emotional independence as well."

The electronic tether between parents and kids works both ways, too. While many parents might get a kick out of the constant contact modern technology provides, others might feel irritated at being expected to be available around the clock. Many parents look at their children's college years as freedom to do what they want with their own lives, whether it be to travel or furthering their education. Having a child always calling or emailing may put a damper on these adventures.

This phenomenon has earned itself a nickname— permaparenting. And with the steady decline of the country's economy, this trend has been known to extend into early adulthood, as more and more adult children are moving back in with their parents after graduation.

Finding a middle groundSo how can you stay connected to your child while fostering her independence? Hofer and Sullivan offer some ways to build your relationship while allowing your child to live life on her own. And it doesn't start right when she leaves for college.

Teach Early Independence
Teaching responsibility should begin early on in your child's life, so when she heads off to college, she is independent enough that she won't have to call home for every little problem that comes along.

"Ideally, college is not the first time to do one's own laundry or talk to a teacher about an academic difficulty. But unfortunately, for some students, it is, and their parents are still helping from afar, sending reminders and intervening on their behalf," says Hofer. "And our research suggests that these are the students least satisfied with college."

Have Balanced Conversations
Parents should try talking to their children about something that happened in their own day, whether at work or at home. According to Hofer and Sullivan, relating events in your life to your child can help her see you more as a person apart from your role as a parent, and can help achieve a more adult relationship.

Instead of rushing to try to fix any problems, Hofer and Sullivan suggest just listening and see how your child can eventually talk herself through the problem. If you have trouble doing this, Hofer offers some advice.

"What helps seems to be taking the long view--think about the kind of person you want your child to become and the kind of skills you want her to have...it can also help to remember what you've learned from your own stumbles along the way."

Keep Roles in Check
Modern technology is also changing the way children view their relationships with their parents, with many describing them as their "best friend." Although having open communication and trust is important, it is also important to remember what comes first— parenting.

"College students need to build close friendships at college— a healthy part of development during this period of life. Spending an hour a day on the phone with mom, sharing confidences that could be offered to new friends, might impede this process," says Hofer.

Establish expectationsFinding this middle ground is a lot easier if you set expectations with each other ahead of time. Hofer and Sullivan offer these tips.

Let Her Come to You
During their research, Hofer and Sullivan found that students who were the ones to initiate communication more than their parents felt stronger about their relationship with their parents, and this element of control is a crucial step in developing healthy independence. "We found that in families where the parents did most of the initiating, the kids were less happy with the relationship, and described it as one of control and conflict," says Hofer.

Talk About What You Both Need
How often to connect will vary for everyone, so it is important to have a discussion with your teen about it before he leaves for college. Sit down together and decide on a plan for how often each of you would like to talk— and then abide by it.

Hofer and Sullivan don't offer any specific guidelines to follow— just whatever works for your own relationship. They offer some general points to cover, to help get your conversation started:

• Do you need to speak everyday? Hofer and Sullivan suggest assuring your child it's ok not to speak everyday, even if that's what others are doing, because you want to provide room for independence.
• At the end of the first semester, have another discussion about how your communication patterns are working for both of you.
• Establish this pattern in the early months of college. Those first few months can be tumultuous, so be attuned to your child's emotions and check in from time to time— just don't over do it.

Connect in Thoughtful Ways
Back in the day before cell phones and high-tech computers, there were care packages-- those boxes filled with goodies from home, whether they were homemade cookies, a favorite book, or a picture of the family dog. Keep sending them. Don't let easy phone calls replace thoughtfulness.

In addition, use email as a form of communication, too, even if it is just passing on a piece of news of mutual interest. According to the book, many students reported feeling happy when they received an unexpected email from mom or dad.

Remember, showing your child that you are thinking about him doesn't have to include a scheduled phone call or Skype session. Sometimes a memento from home or a surprise gesture says a lot more.