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Your Asperger Child: Preventing Problems Rather Than Reacting to Them

Anticipate and prepare

Your Asperger Child: Preventing Problems Rather Than Reacting to ThemSooner is better than later. Most people tend to wait until a problem arises and then attempt to deal with it through the use of a consequence. Consequences can be positive (gaining something) or negative (losing something). At times, consequences are discussed prior to an event, but usually in terms of a motivator: "If you do this, you will gain (lose) something else." More often we use consequences in the middle of a problem, such as, "If you don't stop that, you're going right to bed." Or, "You won't watch any TV if you don't leave your sister alone." Or, "You're in time-out right now. I've had it." All of these statements are made when the behavior is out of control. You have given many warnings and you are now acting out of frustration. However, none of these comments will lead to positive change in the short or long run.

With an Asperger child it is far better to anticipate the occurrence of a behavior and then plan for it. Many problem behaviors are repetitious, especially in the same situation. Even when they don't occur every time, they may still be frequent enough to warrant this approach. A rule of thumb is if a behavior repeats itself at least half of the time, you need to prepare for it. For example, if homework, bedtime, or dinnertime have been frequent problems in the past, chances are very good they will continue to be so in the future.

Future vision is the ability of an individual to know what is going to happen in an upcoming situation because of its constant reoccurrence. When you know what is going to happen you can prepare your child for the event prior to its occurrence by discussing what usually occurs and what needs to occur. For example, going out to dinner is often a problem time. So talk with your child about what normally happens, how he acts, how you do, and then follow that up with a discussion and see if you can get a firm commitment from your child that he is going to follow these new behaviors. If he responds in a positive way, you have increased the likelihood that things will go better when you go out for dinner.

If you happen to miss the opportunity to prevent a problem, there is often a small "window of opportunity" in which you can still salvage the situation. In the example above, suppose you have forgotten to say something before you left for dinner. As events begin to unravel, you have a very brief period of time – sometimes only a minute or two – before you'll be in a messy situation. Seize this opportunity. It may be the last best one in that situation.

Using environmental controlsTo make interventions effective you need to create an environment in which your child feels comfortable, anxiety is decreased, and your child has an understanding of the events taking place around him. The environment needs to provide consistency, predictability, structure, routine, organization, logically explained rules, and clear rewards/consequences in response to these rules. When this is in place, your child will begin to feel competent. I am reminded of a student who had been expelled from his kindergarten class as the result of unmanageable behaviors – even with one-on-one support. After his first week in my class of eight Asperger students, without any additional support, he said, "Hey, I like this new school. I know the way." A number of things must be in place to create "the Asperger world."

Physical Environment
First, the physical environment must be consistent. In all locations you need to identify consistent areas where specific activities are completed, such as that homework is always completed at the desk in his bedroom or at the kitchen table. These areas/activities should also have consistent behavioral expectations, which are explained to your child, such as, "At my desk I do calm sitting." Calm sitting is modeled and practiced. You need to identify clear physical boundaries, such as a planned seating arrangement in school or a planned play area at home. Use consistent materials that are clearly marked and accessible, like toys that are within easy reach and stored in or right by the area they will be used in.

In addition, expectations, such as the rules, rewards, and consequences, should be visually available. Once again, these must be clearly described to your child. After this has been completed, use charts with stickers or stars to keep track of reward systems. Use the letters of your child's name placed on a chart to keep track of consequences. Throughout the day, if letters have been received, they can slowly be erased for positive responding. This provides a wonderful visual response for appropriate behaviors, and you can deliver this feedback, depending on your child's needs, every ten minutes, fifteen minutes . . . three hours – you decide what works best.

Interpersonal Environment
Second, your relationship with your child must also be consistent in both word and action. He must see you as a predictable person, a person in control, a calm person, and, finally, a person who keeps his word. Being "easy" or giving your child a "break" will hinder your effectiveness. You make rules and stick to them. You make requests and follow through; you don't make second requests, and you don't plead. Your interactions must be stable, allowing your child to anticipate how he will respond. He must see you as someone who can help him understand the world around him. The highest praise I can receive from a child is being thought of as his helper or problem solver – "Ask Mrs. Grayson, she knows how to help." "Mrs. Grayson is a problem solver." "Did you know Mrs. Grayson's job is to help me figure things out?" If you are only seen as a problem causer, your effectiveness will be minimal. You must be highly organized and pay attention to details as you create a structured environment for your child. However, you must be able to remain flexible within this structure. By doing so, you will provide the structure your child needs to learn to be flexible.

ReinforcersThird, reinforcers will need to be very individualized, as the Asperger child or teen often does not respond to typical reinforcers. You must be well aware of what your child views as a reward. Incorporating obsessions into a reinforcement system is an appropriate way of offering a strong reinforcer and of also controlling access to an obsession. You need to make sure your child is aware of how the reward/consequence system works. Natural consequences can also be highly effective and will remove the "giving" or "denying" of the reward from you. An example of a natural consequence is: "If you finish your morning routine within a certain time limits you will have time to watch a favorite TV show before school. If you take too long, you will not be able to watch the show." Favored activities should follow less favored or challenging activities. A word of caution: reinforcers can also cause difficulties if they are used too frequently. Not only will they lose some of their potency, but struggles can arise over the giving or not giving of the reward.

Daily Routine
Fourth, at both home and in school, develop a daily routine so that your child knows what he is doing and when. Posting the schedule and reviewing it when your child becomes "stuck" can provide the necessary prompt to move on. In addition, compliance is not a struggle between you and your child, but rather simply a matter of following the schedule. The individual views the schedule as a guide. As noted, a guide will always serve to decrease anxiety, which in turn decreases behavior issues. I have heard my students tell visitors who enter our classroom, "That's our schedule; don't erase it or we won't know what to do." This is said even by students with excellent memories, who from the first week of school could perfectly recite the daily schedule for each day of the week (again, during sabotage, a goal will be to decrease the importance of the schedule as the year progresses).

The important detail is to review the schedule. We have seen many situations where detailed schedules are written, but never regularly and carefully reviewed with the child. As you review the schedule, you not only lessen anxiety, but you also provide an opportunity to discuss appropriate responding. When you develop a schedule at home, you may number the items on it, such as 1, 2, 3, but try to avoid assigning times to each event or activity. It is often difficult to do things to the minute, and failure to do so can lead to further upset for an Asperger child. You may also choose to establish a routine for only a small portion of the day, if you feel a day-long schedule would be too great a change for your child. For example, you might create a schedule for an activity, such as going to the mall, as an easier place to start. For a teen, rather than using a written schedule, you could use a desk calendar or day planner. Again, this accomplishes the goal of providing a visual guide. We will discuss the use of schedules in greater detail later on in this chapter.

The creation of this environment will take time and will require you to examine more details than you knew existed in any environment. Your reward, however, will be the miracle of watching your child leave his anxieties and problematic behaviors behind. You will see him begin to really trust you and take chances he never thought he could. You will witness his gradual and steady steps into a larger world.

Using Language
It's time to expand your ideas of how to use language and to explore how you can use it as a powerful tool to decrease anxiety and increase compliance. Remember, gain your child's attention before you begin to speak. You should be physically close to him (though not in his personal space) and, for the young child, on his eye level. Your language should convey meaning, provide the "road map" or "game plan," and enable your child to respond more appropriately. These children don't have the road map we all have and take for granted, which allows us to maneuver in the world around us. Language used in a concrete, predictable manner becomes a way to teach alternative behaviors. For example, even after social skills training, saying to Max, age nine, "Today after school, Mom is taking you to the playground to make and play with a new friend," doesn't provide enough information. He doesn't know what that means or what is expected of him. Instead, I would provide Max with the following "game plan."

"How to Make Friends"
Mrs. G.: Today your job is to go to the playground to make a new friend. You will use the rules we learned for making a friend. What do you have to do first?

Max: Look for a child my own age, go up to him, get his attention, and say, "Hi, my name is Max. What's your name?" He will tell me his name and I'll say, "Hi. Do you want to shoot baskets?"

Mrs. G.: That's great. Max, it is also important to remember the rules for shooting baskets. Do you remember any of the rules?

Max: I remember we take turns and we have to decide how many times we can shoot in a row. But how will we decide who goes first?

Mrs. G.: Would you be okay letting the other child go first? Then you could ask him, "Is it okay if I pick how many shots we can do in a row?"

Max: Yes, I can be okay with that.

Mrs. G.: Remember, Max, you can pick one to four for how many shots you can take in a row. You can't pick more than that; it wouldn't make sense. Okay?

Max: That's okay.

Mrs. G.: You also have to decide where you will stand when you shoot baskets.

Max: The playground has a shooting mark on the ground – I saw other kids use it. That would be fair.

Mrs. G.: I agree with you, Max. That would be a good way to decide.

Notice above that I review the rules for shooting baskets, such as how to decide who will go first, how to take turns. Even if they have been discussed before, generalization won't occur without guidance. Remember, a problem planned for is a problem avoided.

We would also practice some simple scripts to be used in conversation. Developing language scripts to be used in novel social situations is a crucial element of any preparation technique.

Mrs. G.: What could you and your new friend talk about? Remember, conversations go back and forth. You will need to ask questions and make comments. Do you have any ideas?

Max: I can tell him all about geography. You know I can name all the states and their capitals.

Mrs. G.: Max, we talked about this before. The states are very interesting to you, but they are not interesting to other children. Other children would only talk about the states if they were doing a report for school or if they were going to a particular state to visit. You need to pick a topic that will be interesting to the person you are talking to. Can you think of anything a boy your age, shooting baskets, might be interested in?

Max: I think he might be interested in sports.

Mrs. G.: That's a great idea. Could you talk to him about basketball and other sports? What could you ask him?

Max: I could ask him if he goes to basketball games, because then he would ask me, so I could tell him I go with my dad. Could I ask him his favorite team?

Mrs. G.: Yes, that is a great question. Then you could tell him your favorite team. Also, when you are shooting baskets, make sure you comment on his shots with nice statements. Can you give me some examples?

Max: "Good shot. I liked that shot." I could even say, "You can have another try" when he misses.

Mrs. G.: Max, you have some great comments and questions. Just remember about going back and forth.

Notice I never just say, "Do this . . ." or accept yes/no answers. I make sure each step is clearly outlined and that Max tells me exactly what he will say or do. The above sequence may involve even more examples depending on the age, prior social experiences, and conversational skills of the particular child. Finally, we would work on a plan in case the first child rejects the play offer.

Mrs. G.: Max, what would you do if the child you ask to play says no?

Max: I would ask again and again. Then he would play.

Mrs. G.: If you do that, the child will think you are a pest [it's good to have a previously decided keyword that illustrates a given type of behavior] and will never want to play with you. Remember, the rule is, if a child tells you they don't want to play, you have to walk away and find another child to ask. You can only ask a child once to play.

Now when Max goes to the playground to make a friend he has a plan to follow.

ReframingWhen your child misinterprets a situation, your language can be used to reframe the situation, allowing your child to reinterpret it appropriately. This reframing can also be used when your child engages in inappropriate behaviors. Through your language, you provide alternative responses for the future. More important, your language can be used to introduce new ways of thinking or rethinking previously held beliefs.

An example of this would be the introduction of new foods into a child's repertoire. This was a goal for Mitch, an eleven-year-old who would eat very few foods. More disturbing, the particular foods he ate made him seem unusual to his middle school peers (the same soup brought from home each day, cold noodles, etc.). In beginning to work with Mitch, the idea of eating new foods was introduced by linking the eating of new foods with age-specific skills. The discussion began by asking him to recall different skills he had learned at different ages (crawl/walk/run, cry/sounds/words, drink from a bottle/sippy cup/regular cup, etc.). This led to the development of a new system to classify how a child changes: the preschool way, the elementary school way, the middle school way, the high school way. Trying, eating, and then incorporating new foods into his diet was put into this system with specific foods for each category. Items such as pizza, sandwiches, hot dogs, burgers – typical adolescent foods – were included in the middle school category. This language approach was paired with a step-by-step program to actually introduce the new foods. In addition, we helped Mitch to view eating these new foods in a different way (we reframed his approach to new foods).

"Acting your age"Mrs. G.: Mitch, are there things you can do now that you couldn't do when you were a baby?

Mitch: Oh yes, lots of things. I couldn't use the computer. Also, did you know I couldn't talk?

Mrs. G.: Yes, that's true for all babies. I bet it is also true you couldn't walk or hold your own utensil when you ate.
Mitch: When you grow up you learn more things.

Mrs. G.: You're right. That also happens at school. I call it "the preschool way," "the elementary school way," "the middle school way," and "the high school way." For instance, when you were in preschool you scribbled, but in elementary school you learned to color in the lines. When you were in preschool you had quiet time, but now in middle school you go out on the playground.

Mitch: You know what else? In preschool, and sometimes even in elementary school, I didn't raise my hand, but now in middle school I do. Now I know about interrupting.

Mrs. G.: Well, there are other things, Mitch. In preschool you just had a snack at school. In elementary school you packed your lunch and you brought almost the very same food every day. In middle school, the rule is, you start trying different foods by buying your lunch. Students in middle school don't pack lunch every day. Do you like hot dogs? [I knew he did.]

Mitch: Yes, I do, but I never bought one at school.

Mrs. G.: The school sells hot dogs every Tuesday, so that would be a good first day to buy your lunch, since we already know you like hot dogs.

A social story and cue card with "the middle school way" were also created. Initially, Mitch bought the school lunch only on Tuesdays. Once this went smoothly, we met again to choose the next new food to try. Providing him with the visual of a weekly lunch menu helped to lessen his anxiety. Every Friday we outlined what he would eat each day of the following week. We also wrote down on which days he would bring a packed lunch and on which days he would buy lunch and what he would buy. Initially, to allow Mitch some choice, he had complete control over his packed lunch.

After a new food had been introduced and accepted by Mitch for two weeks, another new food would be introduced the following week. The same pattern was repeated, unless he initiated a change (for instance, he wanted to try a new food sooner, which he sometimes did after success with the second new food). His middle school goal was to eventually buy school lunch three days a week and pack lunch two days a week. Once this was established, we began to work on the foods he brought from home. This task became quite simple, because buying lunch had generated many new and appropriate food choices for Mitch that he could also bring from home.

Throughout this period, "the middle school way" was mentioned as frequently as possible. Whenever Mitch did something new or was successful in any new area, I labeled it "the middle school way" and pointed out he could not have done this in elementary school. This intervention, though presented as a whole, had three distinct parts:

• A system was developed to pair eating new foods with a rule ("the middle school way").
• A gradual step-by-step approach was used to introduce the eating of new foods.
• A reframing of Mitch's thinking about new foods was reinforced at every opportunity.

Key words and phrasesWhen using language to teach new responses, developing and writing the keywords or phrases to be used when introducing or generalizing these new concepts will be important. In the above example with Mitch, "the middle school way" was a keyword for behaving in an age-appropriate manner. By making the words and phrases visual, you guarantee both greater understanding and usage of the phrases. Remember, using the phrases, not simply writing them, makes them effective. The words or phrases can be developed by you or by your child. Unusual phrases, ads, or catchy sayings are often attractive and easy to remember. The first step is choosing the area you want to work on with your child. Then select (or have your child select) a word or phrase to be used as a quick reminder for appropriate responding. With use, the key word or phrase alone will convey the concept and what appropriate responding will look like. This will allow your child to generalize a skill more easily. When the phrase is used in a new situation, he will know what to do, because the phrase corresponds to the new behavior. After one has been mastered, add other phrases as needed. Below is a sample list of phrases we have found to be effective:

Sample List of Key Words and Phrases

• Off the topic (said to the child when his response is not on the topic being discussed)
• Say one thing (when answering questions or discussing a topic with too much detail – this skill should be practiced)
• In your head (refers to statements that should not be said aloud, usually statements about a person's physical appearance or statements that would hurt another's feelings)
• MYOB ("mind your own business")
• Good choices/bad choices (this will be explained in chapter 8)
• Problems and solutions (refers to a technique used to either prevent a tantrum or assist the child in regaining control during a tantrum)
• School sitting, school walking, etc. (refers to a specific manner of doing something that has been demonstrated to the child previously).
• Just do it (refers to times when the child must quickly respond in a particular way without question; especially useful when the child is involved with peers or when returning to mainstream settings from special education)
• The rule (It is very helpful for the child to have appropriate responses described as the rule; it appeals to their sense of seeing the world in black and white. Often simply stating that a desired response is "the rule" brings immediate compliance.)
• Drop the subject (refers to talking on and on)
• Stick up for yourself (refers to the type of response the child must make when being teased or taken advantage of by others)
• Keep your problems small (used when the child's behaviors are just beginning to escalate in a negative way; serves as a reminder to maintain control)
• Bumping (refers to interrupting others when they are speaking)
• Stretching the topic (attempting to go off topic by trying to make your new topic – usually a special interest – appear related to the original topic)
• Being okay (getting yourself together to handle a situation)
• Use your words (controlling yourself by using words when you are upset or frustrated, rather than responding with a meltdown)
• Get your control (key phrase used during a crisis)
• Switching/substitutions (key words used to remind the child about being flexible)
• Being flexible (it is very important that this concept is taught early, even to a child as young as five – in my classroom this is as important as reading and math)
• Making changes (variation of the previous two above)
• Eyes up here (key phrase to help with attending and focusing)
• This is a choice/This is not a choice
• That doesn't make sense (used when the child says something that is inappropriate, for instance: fantasy talk, mislabeling another's or their own feelings, giving misinformation on a topic)
• Don't be a "me first" (used with those children who have an obsession about always being first: in line, when playing a game, being called on, etc.)
• Conversations go back and forth (used as a reminder when learning how to converse with others)
• Respond quickly and quietly (often referred to as Q and Q)
• Looking and listening (often referred to as L and L)
• The preschool way, the elementary school way, etc.
• Show me (add the phrase for what you want the child to do)
• Tell me what you have to do (often used after giving directions)
• Dealing with disappointments (refers to what to do when something doesn't go the way we thought it would)
• Personal space (not hugging, touching, etc., others when it is not appropriate)
• Thinking with your body (learning to use your body to communicate)
• Thinking with your eyes (learning to use your eyes to communicate)
• Lower/raise your volume (to help the child to modulate voice volume; often paired with a hand signal)
• The way (used to let the child know that you don't like the tone of voice they are using; e.g., "Can you try another way of saying that?")
• Salvage the rest of the day (refers to not allowing a problem to ruin the rest of the day)
• Kiss ("keep it small and simple")
• Don't get stuck (refers to not allowing a problem to control you or stop you from moving on; this skill is taught)

What you say is important, but how you say it can be the difference between success and failure. Sometimes a calm, even voice is needed; other times, a more dramatic tone may be called for. When you change the tone of your voice, point it out to your child. He doesn't use varied tones of voice to convey different meanings. By pointing this out, you communicate your meaning and you increase his awareness of the importance of paying attention to vocal tone. This should also be done with facial expressions and body language – two other modalities Asperger children don't use when communicating to or processing communication from others. Vary your facial expressions and body language, and explain and show how it helps you to understand what others are saying. Below are illustrations of incorporating key words and phrases into your interventions.