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Middle School: New Challenges, New Solutions

Page 1

Middle School: New Challenges, New SolutionsWhen Chris started middle school, I attended an orientation for incoming parents where I was handed a flyer called, "Easing Your Child's Transition to Middle School." I hand it out now myself in my parenting classes for the parents of middle schoolers. It includes many of the themes in this book: Keep track of your student's homework, spend time together, know their friends. But the biggest message in that handout--and the biggest challenge--boils down to staying involved in your student's life and in the life of the school. Even when your preteen is acting out, pushing you away, and giving you a face full of attitude, they are still in just as much need of you as they always have been. Even though their adolescent attitude might put you off, you have to continue to participate at and around school.

When Chris was in the seventh grade, he had to write a report about mummies. A mummy exhibit featuring the Egyptian child pharaoh King Tutankhamen was running at Chicago's Field Museum. In an effort to give Chris an opportunity to make a really great report, Thomas and I decided to spend a long weekend in Chicago. We loaded up the family car, enlisted the participation of a few friends and their car too, and traveled the eight hours to Chicago.

We thought that finding a motel in Chicago would be a cinch. Wrong. This particular weekend was the first time ever that the Rolling Stones were performing in Chicago. We couldn't find a place to sleep anywhere. After several hours of looking, we happened upon a hotel in the heart of the city, one with plenty of rooms. That should have been an indication that something was wrong. After checking in at the desk and unloading all ten people's bags from the two cars, we opened the doors to our rooms and turned on the lights. Roaches dropped from the ceilings and ran across the beds as they scurried for cover. Stay here? Sleep here? No way.

After collecting our money from the front desk, we decided to spend the night in our cars. Ten people, spending the night on the streets of Chicago. The following day we contacted a relative of one of the friends we had brought along, and fortunately he let us spend the night in sleeping bags on his living room floor. The kids thought the roaches, the driving around not knowing where we would spend the night, and the sleeping bags on the floor were enough to make the trip memorable. But we weren't done yet.

The next day, our host treated us all to a fish fry at his restaurant in a seedy part of downtown Chicago, an area I would never have taken them otherwise, and it was by far the best fish any of us had ever had. We rode the El from one end of Chicago to the other, just so we could say we'd taken the El. Of course, we spent an entire day at the Field Museum getting an eyeful (and a notebook full) of information for Chris's report on King Tut and Egyptian mummies in general. On the way home, the kids pestered the adults to find out when we could all return to Chicago and do the whole trip again. They loved every minute of it. To this day, they all still refer to the trip as "the time we were homeless in Chicago." And, Chris received an A on his report. This story always gets a great response in my workshops.

I'm not suggesting that you have to drive across the country every time your student has a report to write. You can find and use resources closer to home. The point is to understand what is needed and help to provide it. These habits, like good study habits, are important to establish early, so when your student hits high school the homework demon will be easier to tame.

Other factors contribute to school success as well. Get your student to school on time and encourage regular attendance. Make sure you all get enough sleep. The best school in the world can do nothing with your student if he or she is not in a seat, alert and ready to learn.

I have to bring up again how important it is to make sure your student is reading at least up to his grade level. You need to continue to stress the importance of reading by continuing all those great reading habits you started when they were younger. Hang out at the library, develop your home library, and let your student catch you reading.

Page 2Achieving a Goal
Just as students have trouble imagining the past, they often have trouble imagining the future too. They think things happen instantaneously, and that college is so far away that planning for it is meaningless. That's one big reason why I teach goal-setting skills in my student classes as well as in my adult workshops. We all need a little training to be able to get from where we are to where we want to be.

There are four steps to successful goal achievement. A goal must be

• realistic: possible to accomplish within a reasonable amount of time.

• manageable: can be broken down into a series of steps.

• measurable: so you can tell whether you have achieved it.

• meaningful: to you, something you really want to do, rather than something you feel you should do.

I practice with my students, showing them that short-term goals--like passing a midterm exam--are steps toward long-term goals--like getting into college. By incorporating goals into your student's daily planner and rewarding those short-term completions, a big goal like college can become more manageable and therefore more real.

Cultivate Your Student's Interests
Middle school is an important time to recognize your student's talents, likes, and dislikes, and nurture his abilities. There is still time to experiment with different classes in middle school, time he might not have in high school. Help him choose extracurricular activities that will benefit higher-education interests, and expose him to cultural events and activities. Know your school's policies, expectations, promotion requirements, and grade requirements for graduation. Middle school is a big jump from elementary school, but it is only a warm-up to the level of work and involvement needed in high school.

And, as always, talk about college. Don't wait. Start a savings plan with your child's input, no matter how small it seems at the outset. Let your student know that you expect them to work hard, do their best, and attend college. It's never too early to instill hopes, dreams, goals, and expectations in your children. At this age, they need to be brought on board with the goals you're aiming for. It's not enough, as it was when they were younger, to tell them, "You're going to go to college." Now the message is expanded to mean, "You're going to go to college, and these are the steps we're going to take to get you there." And that means getting tough with all the messages your student is getting from television, popular media, and peers. Remember when I talked about not being a best friend and being a positive role model? Now is the time to review those chapters and not just encourage your student to work hard but to insist on it. If you expect your student to be a smart, successful, well-spoken adult, you have to model those qualities yourself. And since teens and preteens are notorious for not wanting to be seen with their parents, you can promote friendships with peers and other adults who model those traits as well.

Page 3Manage Your Time Wisely
Opportunities to learn keep coming whether we're ready for them or not. It can seem overwhelming. Time-management skills are needed if your student is going to be able to take advantage of the extra-credit assignments and extracurricular activities that school offers on top of homework, the ones that help make a student attractive to a college admissions committee.

In my workshops, I hand every student a day-planner notebook with a calendar and all kinds of helpful information, from tables for figuring percentages to the date of the next solar eclipse. Some of these kids have never seen an appointment book or a scheduler, so we start from the very basics.

Organization is key. When they have an assignment, they put it on the calendar, then go back and put in reminders of the assignment leading up to the date. They do the same for test dates and then go back and put in reminders to study for the test on the days leading up to the test date. Encourage them to write down all important events, even the ones they don't think they will forget (like church on Sunday and school on Monday). The point is to get them in the habit of checking their day planner in the morning so they know what's coming up that day and the next. Once they can keep track of the big events, we work on managing homework time and playtime effectively so that everything gets done, every time.

As adults, many of us take these businesslike plans for granted. We often have to be able to do this kind of time management in our jobs or we won't be able to keep them. By teaching our kids to do this in school, we are giving them a true life skill that they will use for their entire lives. Chris confessed to me after his first semester in law school that his time-management skills saved his butt. Without the ability to prioritize his tasks and keep track of tests and deadlines, he said he would have flunked out in no time.

Test-Taking 101
Your student will be taking tests almost from the minute he enters school, such as state standardized tests that measure his progress through school and his ability to remember what he has been taught. In middle school, testing begins to take on a bigger importance. Not only are the standardized tests more difficult, but the class tests become more frequent and start counting more toward your student's final grade. Test-taking skills are a must.

Parents can do a great deal toward test-taking success. The first and possibly the largest is simply knowing that a test is coming and helping your student make a plan for studying. Cramming, the practice of staying up all night right before a test and trying to jam every test fact into your head, doesn't work. True studying takes time. So find out what the test will cover, make a schedule for what to study, and then help your student stick to it. If studying with friends helps, then let your student study with friends. Some students work well in groups, some turn any group into a party. You know your student, and you know whether to allow study groups.

Before any test, there's always going to be some stress. Did I study enough? Did I remember everything? What if I don't do well? A little stress is a positive thing, since it can motivate your student to want to do well. Too much stress, and your student will be unable to hold a pencil, much less be able to take a test, so relaxation techniques are in order. Remind your student to breathe deeply, to lower his shoulders, and to remind himself that he is well prepared for the test and that the aim is to do well, not to perform perfectly. All of these test-taking strategies will come in handy when the really big tests--the college entrance exams--come up in high school.

Page 4Emotional Health
Stress, not just test-taking stress, is a bigger concern in middle school than it was in elementary school. The hormones associated with puberty--for boys as well as girls--cause all kinds of changes, both physical and emotional, and those changes produce a lot of stress. How to act and how to fit in become huge issues. As a parent, you need to be willing and available to talk, even when it seems like your student has completely stopped communicating. Keeping all those feelings inside can lead to symptoms of depression.

The statistics on teen depression are scary. Even scarier is the number of cases that go undiagnosed and untreated. Between 3 and 5 percent of teens are clinically depressed, with twice as many girls as boys suffering from the disease. That's two million teenagers in the United States. Of those, only about a third get help. The rest struggle through it, and some don't make it. Suicide is the third leading cause of death among those aged fifteen to twenty-four (statistics courtesy of the National Institute of Mental Health).

My own daughter went through what I recognize now was depression when she was a young teen, and I'm sorry to say I missed most of the signals. Life happens so fast and furious that most of the time it is difficult to pay attention to the things that are happening around you. My marriage broke up, I moved my kids and myself halfway across the country, and we all began a new life. To say that I was busy doesn't even begin to cover it. I think that no matter how good a parent we are or we want to be, we still make mistakes. And one of my mistakes was with Corey, following our move to California.

The laughing little girl who was so athletic in elementary school--before we moved to California--suddenly became a couch potato when we hit Sacramento. She refused to try out for sports, even soccer and basketball, both of which she was very good at playing before the move. She didn't take an interest in much of anything. She attended school, but I had to push her to participate in extracurricular activities. And she had only two close friends. I knew deep in my heart that she was hurting, but I had too many other things to take care of. I didn't have time to nurse children whose father had abandoned all of our family dreams. I didn't have time to console children whose hearts were breaking for a father they loved, in spite of his negative choices. I didn't have time to have hope for reuniting our family with a mate who promised to get his act together. I didn't have time to think. I only had time to act.

Corey had always been a bit introverted and shy, but her new level of shyness was preventing her from doing much of anything. She turned more and more inward and was fast becoming a recluse. I couldn't understand what was happening to her. I figured she was just shy and not anxious to fit in. I didn't recognize that she was depressed and needless to say, I failed to get her treatment. She stayed down and out for a couple of years, but we were lucky. Once she started high school, she began coming out of her shell, and by the time she was in tenth grade, though she was still shy and introverted, she was no longer exhibiting signs of real depression. I feel very fortunate that she weathered those years without spiraling down into the negative behaviors many depressed teens adopt: an eating disorder, self-mutilation, or drugs.

As parents we are so bogged down with the basic responsibilities of keeping a roof over our kids' heads and food on the table, providing adequate physical health care, making sure they do well in school, and protecting them from harm, it's easy to forget about their mental health. We are so caught up in our own messes, we forget how those messes also affect our children. Kids feel stress and kids get depressed. Big life changes--and getting a divorce and moving across the country certainly qualify as big life changes--can trigger depression. When we separate from a partner, our kids experience the separation as well, and often in different ways. Our experiences are not limited to just us, they are far-reaching and residual.

If I had known then what I know today, I would have provided counseling or treatment for both Chris and Corey. I would have also gotten treatment for myself, to help me get through the feelings of failure, injustice, grief, guilt, and hatred I experienced. For a long time I was in denial, believing that my husband would wake up one bright morning and once again become the man I had married. And I wanted him to be that southern boy again, the one with the good manners and respect for women, the one I fell in love with. I was waiting for him to grow up and realize the gem of a family he had and the blessings God had given us. It never happened.

His betrayal hit me hard. I had promised myself I would have children only if I had someone to help me raise them. Now I was failing that promise. I was afraid of the hard times I knew were ahead, looking for a job, finding a decent community to raise my kids with good neighbors and safe schools, and being able to provide the same quality of life in California that my kids were accustomed to having in Missouri. I was afraid of failing my children, as it was now my single responsibility to insure they survive this life. I was alone and it was terrifying.

But as terrifying as it was for me, it must have been worse for Corey. Taken from the only home she had ever known and separated from her adored father, she had a dark road to travel before she could see that our life in Sacramento was a good life and that despite his actions toward his family, her father still loved her.

I am a very involved parent, and if I can miss the symptoms of depression, so can you. According to a Brown University study from 2002, even parents who enjoy a good relationship with their child, one where the lines of communication are open, don't recognize depression in their own kids, and in fact don't know what depression in teens looks like.

Page 5I'm done beating myself up about it--from all the reading I've done, even though as parents we blame ourselves for our child's mental state, we are not ultimately to blame. All we can do is recognize it for what it is and try to help. Depression has a wide range of symptoms, but no one of these by itself means your child is depressed. Here's a list for you to keep in mind:

• has trouble concentrating or making a decision

• is angry, restless, and irritable

• exhibits a drop in academic performance

• has trouble getting along with peers and siblings

• complains of headaches or muscle aches

• has low energy

• shows a sudden change in appetite or weight

• complains of insomnia

• stops caring about appearance and hygiene

• spends much more time alone

• skips classes or, if he or she shows up for class, fails to pay attention

• drops out of usual activities (sports, music, hobbies)

• has trouble expressing his or her feelings

Any parent will agree that adolescents typically display any or all of these in a given week! That doesn't mean your child is depressed. The key to whether your child may have a real problem is if the symptoms persist. If your child changes his or her behavior and mood and stays that way for two weeks or more, you need to seek professional help. Keep in mind, too, that unusually stressful periods can trigger depression. So if your teen is dealing with the death of a friend or loved one, a chronic illness, or some other trauma, be on the alert for the signs on that list. Make yourself available to listen, listen, listen.

Depression as a teen can set up a pattern that recurs when the teen is an adult, setting your child up for a long-term battle against major depression. Untreated, it can also lead to more immediate problems, like drinking and drugs, as your teenager attempts to self-medicate. Best to try to stay on top of it and get treatment when the problem starts. And don't get all caught up worrying that your child will be singled out and ridiculed for seeking psychological help. If you treat this as a medical issue and the need to see a specialist as merely "going to the doctor," you can detect that kind of peer misbehavior. And besides, the important thing is to get help if you feel it's needed.

We were lucky that we all survived this period in our lives. Corey has gone on to lead a full and healthy life. She has even forgiven her father, something I still struggle with, and I can now look back at all the upheaval in our lives and realize that the three of us were all working hard to keep everything together and focus on our goals.

I'm a big believer in pushing hard. The world is a difficult place, and if our children are going to succeed in it, they have to know how to work. Your student may not be the next Nobel Prize-winning scientist, but she is certainly never going to get anywhere if she isn't focused on a goal. Not all students are going to be academically brilliant, but all students can achieve. Sometimes in middle school, because of the increased peer pressure and the effect of the hormones running through their bodies, students will start to fall away from the college-bound path. It is up to the parents to remind them--to push them if necessary--back on track.

Miss Sharon Says
Grow Your Student's Interests: Bring home books, games, and toys related to the subjects your student likes. Encourage exploration by visiting museums, galleries, factories, parks, and businesses.

Emphasize Education as a Right: Find creative ways to encourage the kind of thinking you want from your student. Even something as simple as a wall calendar in your kitchen featuring twelve people famous for their contributions to science, history, or the arts shows your commitment to valuing education.

Take Puberty in Stride: If you need help talking to your student about the changes happening to his or her body, get help. There are plenty of books and Web sites on how to start and continue potentially embarrassing conversations. See the Resources section at the end of the book for suggestions.

Recognize Depression for What It Is: Don't overreact to every little mood swing. Keep a journal of any behaviors that seem indicative of depression and if you see a pattern over time, seek help.