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How to Handle Teacher Conferences

Common issues

How to Handle Teacher Conferences James struts with a downbeat on the first note, low-slung jeans and baggy T-shirt framing his angular adolescent form. If he isn't downloading music on the computer, he's instant messaging his girlfriend about Friday on Monday night. Unfortunately, his freshman report cards don't reflect his percentage of coolness achieved.

Unlike some elementary and middle schools which schedule parent-teacher conferences after every marking period, many high schools schedule only one per year. However, with kids like James who put parties before books, you need one hundred per year! Set a date for one today.

Before you go, do some preconference homework first. Advance preparation gives you the chance to prepare for a worst-case scenario. It also puts you in the best position for volleying suggestions and making crucial decisions. The more you know and share, the more strategic advantage you and his teachers will have.

Common Teenage Issues
Though much of the hormonal tensions of middle school eases as James moves into late adolescence, life can still be an emotional and philosophical taffy pull for you both. After all, if he is only fifteen, you could well be forty, which naturally gives you both decidedly different ideas of what's important.

What's pulling at him and his grades are common teenage issues. First and foremost, fifteen- to eighteen-year-olds firmly believe they are fully capable of parenting themselves. Ironically, though, they feel both a raging desire for, and a secret fear of, independence. Though it's often the result of their still-developing sense of self-confidence, high schoolers often make their families and teachers the monkeys in the middle.

High schoolers also often have big ideas that have no relationship to reality. James knows for sure he wants to be really rich some day, but when you ask him how he plans to achieve this, he goes blank. Under pressure, he might mumble, "I might have to, like, maybe work or something."

All the while you're working hard on him, kids like James are pumping every waking ounce of intellectual and creative energy into parties, best friends, girlfriends, driving your car, the Internet, or conversations on the telephone. Because these distractions have undoubtedly impacted his grades, it's conference time.

Before the conferencePreconference Homework
Interview James. No evaluation is valid without the input of the person involved, so get your high schooler's point of view about his poor grades. First, discuss how he views himself as a student. Take your hands off your hips and ask questions like you are interviewing a famous rock star, and you might spark his interest long enough to get an answer beyond a grunt. His opinions about himself might surprise you. His opinions of his own abilities and efforts have tremendous impact on his production and how you and his teachers gear your plans to increase his self-confidence. The more James is involved in the conference process, the greater his stake in the outcome.

• What does he think about his study habits? Watch for his reality-free perceptions here. If he thinks he's a scholar, but you think he's a dabbler, ask for proof of his opinion. Or ponder aloud about when he got started on his persuasive writing assignment because you know you heard him on the phone from the time you started dishes until his little brother went to bed at 10:00 p.m. Stock up on seemingly innocent observations, complete with time frames and associated facts whenever James needs a nonjudgmental reality check.

• What are his hobbies and sports interests? What percentage of his time is devoted to pursuing them as opposed to studying. If it's over thirty percent of each day and his grades are sliding, it's time for him to plan on cutting back. Help him devise specific ways and means and advise his teacher of this sign of his good academic intentions.

• How does he cope with stress and problems? Is he a procrastinating worrier or just a laid-back partying kind of guy? Get specific about what he can do to get back on track.

• What is happening in the classroom that is jamming up his grade? Talk about the classroom dynamic, his participation, teacher reactions and expectations, and his tardiness or absences, which all can negatively impact grades. What does the teacher say or do that he can't understand or cope with? What is the best thing about this class?

• What about assignments? Are there too many? Too complicated? Are too many based on a book he never understood in the first place? Does he need more time to complete them than the other kids because his reading skills aren't as strong?

Find a mole. What you need when kids are having trouble with course work or with anything in high school is a friendly informant. If James has stayed in the same school district, this could be that middle school friend who told you everything. If, however, you don't have one, it's time to suggest he bring some friends home for dinner. Then, casually interview the most opinionated one (there's always one). Ask some general questions about classes, teachers, schedules, and activities both inside and outside school. The more interested you are in his friend's opinion, the more likely you will be to get them. Such communication often leads to confidences, and when you've reached that level, you have found your mole. Use your Deep Throat source to get a consistent third party opinion about James's progress. This is not an underhanded suggestion. There is nothing but good to be gleaned from another perspective on James and his high school dynamic. Find yourself a mole today.

Rehearse the worst-case scenario. Plan for the worst possible feedback from his teacher at the conference you've just scheduled. Will she suggest psychological counseling, drug rehabilitation, or summer school? Get the gasping out of your system ahead of time by rehearsing different hairy scenarios and brainstorming alternative solutions you can offer for improving his situation. Though what the teacher says might make that desk appear like a yawning pit between the two of you, that person, more likely than not, is on your side when it comes to your kid. Keeping that foremost in your mind will fortify you as hysterical fantasies thrash around inside your head.

Construct an anecdote. More powerful than your most fervent declarations and pledges is a short narrative to share with the teacher about James, particularly if the teacher is building up a negative opinion of his efforts. What episode in his recent past best illustrates his gifts, talents, personality strengths, or skills? Did he carry a large package down the steps for the crankiest old lady who lives in your apartment building and deliver it with a smile to her waiting car? Let his actions paint a promising picture for his teacher. A good anecdote can be a powerful antidote.

Make arrangements to meet. If there is not a regularly scheduled conference when you need one, set one by calling or e-mailing the teacher or teachers in the subjects where James needs the most help. Conferences typically last 20-30 minutes and are held most often before or after school. Be accommodating. Remember you are the one asking for help. Rearrange your schedule accordingly and mark it in your appointment book. Ask if anyone else should be included. The guidance counselor or assistant principal? If you don't already have some, request to see two examples of James's English class work-his best and his worst. Class work tells a better tale than homework. These two papers show range of ability. The best one gives you both an opportunity for honest praise; the worst provides the focus point.

Take a pal along. During that call also mention that you will not be alone. Take your spouse or James's favorite aunt along to ask all the questions that go straight out of your head when the teacher says things you knew you would dread hearing. Don't hesitate to ask tutors, mentors, or educational counselors to attend teacher conferences with you. Kids in academic trouble need all the advocates you can find. Adding the voice of another committed family member, particularly one that he respects like a favorite aunt, can be helpful especially if you and your spouse's relationship with James is currently strained. In the car on the way to the conference, agree on key areas and important points and make some last-minute notes.

Do a background check. Who are the people teaching James? Contrary to James's opinion, his English teacher does not weigh five hundred pounds and sound like a turkey with a sinus condition. Ask your mole, your local PTA, neighbors, friends, or James's former teachers to brief you on the philosophies, teaching techniques, or sticking points about the teachers at your conference for James. Background information gives deeper meaning to their recommendations and allows you to formulate your requests based on their known strengths and habits.

Set your agenda. Think about your plans and objectives for the conference and jot them down. Don't discuss wishes, hopes, and dreams of Harvard; focus instead on what is appropriate for James today. Does he need a math tutor? Does he need Internet resources or book titles for independent reading? Include a list of your special requests, too. How can the teacher support James's need to balance his course work with his sports activities? Would you like him or her to focus on helping James overcome his anxiety about speaking in front of the class? Limiting yourself to three items helps align your conversation to the short conference time allotted.

Make a folder. In addition to your James interview and mole notes and your own three-point agenda, include copies of excellent work the teacher might not have seen. Did James write a convincing and successful letter to the manager of your apartment house explaining the tenants' need for new storm windows? Include copies of educational or psychological testing results or former teacher evaluations. Include in your folder note paper, a pen, and your business card or personal contact information.

Leave the sweats at home. You are there to take care of business, so dress for it. To make the best impression possible, leave the holey sweatshirt, drooping jeans, and running shoes at home. Let your appearance underscore the importance of this meeting for James and you. Arriving on time and respecting the scheduled time also wears well on teachers.

During the conferenceBehave yourself. Thumping on the desk, demanding, or threatening is the fastest way to get absolutely nowhere with a teacher. Set the tone with kind words about a recent assignment or a common interest you learned about during your background check. Don't let negatives send you both fleeing in opposite directions. On the other hand, don't be surprised if your kudos leave the teacher dumbfounded and eager to go the extra mile for James. And if you know his English teacher is a chocoholic, take some chocolate chip cookies to munch together while you're talking about James. Be prepared to listen to what the teacher has to say, and don't drop crumbs all over the floor.

Be honest. Let the teacher talk first. When the teacher is finished talking, make your case for James. If you need to overcome an unreasonably negative perception, start by sharing your illustrative anecdote about his gallantry to that cranky neighbor. Share your notes about his skills and learning methods. Show her his letter to your building manager. Then be honest about the habits, attitudes, and weak skill areas that you know are getting in his way.

Talk about clashes. The best time to deal with student-teacher clashes of any kind is during a private parent-teacher conference. Come clean, too, if you believe there might be a mismatch between James's learning style and the teacher's instructional methods or the two personalities. Talk about alternatives. Will she allow him to tape her lectures instead of relying on his poor note-taking skills? Openly discuss what James does that is particularly irritating to him. What does he do, in turn, that makes James ornery or disrespectful? Sometimes merely the honest acknowledgement of common human interaction problems will open the door to soothing irritating interpersonal relations.

Ask the right questions. What does James need to know? How does his class work and homework compare to his classmates'? How does his testing compare? What, specifically, can you do to help him with this problem? Ask questions that will clarify your role, illicit helpful comparisons, and demonstrate your willingness to help. Listen, take notes, and make sure your mouth is closed when you chew your cookies.

Agree on a plan for helping James. This is the final critical step in any good parent-teacher conference. And never more important than when you and his teacher disagree about how to handle a situation. Set your individual differences aside and focus on James, together. Establish action steps, assignments, and a time frame in which James must accomplish the goals you've set. Include interim goals that act as stepping-stones toward overall improvement and as an early warning sign if he misses a progress marker. Take notes about the action plan while the teacher is talking, and then quickly review to make sure you've heard correctly and included everything. Set a date for a progress report by e-mail, phone, or another meeting face to face.

After the conferenceReview the meeting with James. In the same way that you prepared for the teacher conference, have a James conference. Do it the same day while your impressions are fresh and James's interest is piqued. If his aunt accompanied you to see the teacher, be sure to include her in this conference. Give an honest rendition, using your notes as a reference. If applicable, ask his aunt to describe the meeting from her vantage point. You brokered a deal with the teacher on James's behalf, so run down the action plan and the roles that you, James, and the teacher each have in that plan. Ask James if there is anything in the action plan that was overlooked or misconstrued from his vantage point. Were the issues he raised in your initial interview with him addressed? Review the milestones and interim goals in the plan so that he is clear about the entire plan.

Display the nice manners your mother taught you. Be sure to thank the teacher for his or her time and efforts by mail, e-mail or phone. Reconfirm your mutual course of action, and promise to keep him or her posted.

Put the plan in action and follow it up. Together with James, mark the milestones and interim goals on James's personal calendar that's posted in the kitchen. Or if he's a techno-guy, he can log the dates on his handheld computer. If he has a cell phone, he can enter dates and set them to beep using the calendar programming feature. Do this to ensure that he participates in his own "change equation." Then, follow up by phone, e-mail, or letter on the recommendations made during the conference. Did you contact that creative writing tutor? Are you helping James study for social studies quizzes by implementing the teacher's idea to construct a visual timeline? Demonstrate that you valued the teacher's suggestions by acting on them.

Maybe the most shocking way to get James's mind off music, cars, and girls and back toward schoolwork would be to put this chapter on teacher conferences in his hands and have him do the entire thing himself. Teachers have been known to change grades when a student takes initiative, makes changes, and works hard to show he's got the will and the drive to make it happen. This approach would gives James the self-control and independence a fifteen-year-old yearns for within the safe parameters a forty-year-old adult can live with. Then when his grade point average exceeds his percentage of coolness achieved, you'll both have something to party about.