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How to Get What You Want from the Teacher

Parent-teacher conferences

How to Get What You Want from the Teacher Big Fun In Little Chairs
In many ways, a parent-teacher conference is like a bad date: The gnawing anxiety as you wait for the door to open. Your pounding heart as the teacher offers you a pint-sized chair. Then the conference itself, which consists of a few hurried pleasantries followed by a rote performance – she flashes a few tests, flips though some of your child's work, and rattles off the upcoming curriculum. You nod attentively, but all the while your mind is racing: Does she like me? Does she like my child? How do I compare to all the other parents? And then, Wow! That was over fast.

Many parents see their child's teacher only at the conference, so there is no denying that one should attempt to wring the maximum benefit from it. It's just as important, however, to know how and when to move beyond the conference.

Behind the Scenes: "No, Really, We Love Parents"
Parent-teacher conferences are designed to help you and the teacher join forces for the sake of your child's education. The cause is noble, but teachers have very mixed feelings about these meetings. They are often just as nervous as you are, and some are downright intimidated by parents. The younger the teacher, the more nervous she is likely to be, but the great majority of teachers feel at least some trepidation about conference week.

They have lots of reasons to resist. For starters, there is the extra paperwork they must crank out for the occasion. During conference week, the typical teacher assembles individual folders of test results, written work, drawings, and progress reports for 20-35 children. The conferences are also emotionally draining for teachers, who must navigate the psyches of six or seven sets of parents every afternoon. Some mothers and fathers have unrealistic expectations and blame the teacher if their child isn't labeled "gifted" by the first grade. Others seem oblivious to their children's schoolwork. Some spouses are on the warpath with each other and try to force the teacher to pick sides. A good number of parents are well-meaning but so ill-informed that the teacher spends most of the conference explaining basic teaching methods and grading systems. A few parents are outright hostile. In some regions, there is a language barrier between the teachers and many of the parents.

Underlying these frustrations is another, deeper conflict. Until fairly recently, the feeling among many teachers was that they knew what was best for a child's education and that parents should, for lack of a better term, butt out. Studies done over the past ten years, however, have shown that parental involvement is an important factor in students' success. It is no longer acceptable for teachers to merely tolerate parents or brush aside their input. Some schools even have programs specifically designed to foster parental involvement. Your child's teacher may welcome this new togetherness or she may harbor resentment about it.

Teachers, then, bring a fair amount of baggage to the parent-teacher relationship. Parents who want to get the most out of the conference need to be aware of this and plan accordingly.

Timing
During conference week you're likely to be meeting with an exhausted teacher who offers you a canned presentation designed to answer only the most basic questions. Therefore, the ideal time for a parent-teacher conference is any time except conference week. There are several ways to accomplish this.

When the conference notice comes, you can simply ask to reschedule. Putting a week or two between your meeting and conference week will give the teacher time to recover. Don't worry about imposing on her – with so many parents working these days, it's not unusual for some to ask to reschedule. If your life is very hectic and you might only get this one chance to meet with your child's teacher, it is vital that the conference be leisurely and the teacher fresh and focused on your child.

Another approach is to meet during conference week but plan on asking the teacher for a follow-up meeting several weeks later. This way, you can use the twenty minutes to get a general sense of your child's progress without feeling pressured. Concentrate on establishing a rapport with the teacher, take notes if you like, and save your important questions for the follow-up meeting.

Finally, you can jump-start the process by scheduling a "get-to-know-you" meeting with the teacher four to six weeks after the school year begins. At this point, the teacher will have had some time to observe your child. When conference week arrives, you will already know which issues are most important to your child and will be able to zero in on those.

Do not wait until the conference to tell the teacher if anything unusual is going on in your home, however. Let her know immediately if there is a new baby, a serious illness, if the parents are separating, or if the child has allergies or any other medical conditions that could affect her behavior in school.

Questions for teacher

The List
Most teachers advise parents to write down the questions they want to ask at the conference. The following list covers most of the basics you will need to know about your child's development.

• Is my child performing at grade level?
• Does she pay attention in class?
• What part of the curriculum does my child like most? Least?
• Does my child participate in class discussions?
• Does she attend to task? ("Attend to task" means to work on class assignments steadily without getting distracted or giving up.)
• Have you noticed any special behavior problems?
• How does my child get along with the other children in class?
• Does my child express herself artistically? Does she enjoy drawing, painting, dance, or music?
• Is there anything I can do to help my child do better?

The grading systemMastering Grade-Speak
The biggest waste of time in the parent-teacher conference occurs when the teacher has to explain the grading and testing systems. The exact meaning of terms like rubric, stanine, and standardized test confound many parents and frustrate quite a few teachers as well. Grading systems differ from state to state and even from district to district, but most use variations of the following.

Rubric. A rubric is a list of the skills needed to master a subject at a particular grade level. It is meant to clarify to both the child and the teacher exactly what is expected of the child by the end of the school year. Rubrics are usually broken down into four scoring levels:

1 = not proficient
2 = partially proficient
3 = proficient
4 = advanced

Sometimes the rubric score is used as a grade, especially in early elementary years. For older children, rubrics are used as "scoring devices" that are a partial basis for letter grades. There is no nationwide standard for rubrics – sometimes the school district provides them and sometimes teachers devise their own. In public schools, the district's rubrics for each grade level are usually available from the teacher or the front office.

Standardized Test (Stanford 9, Iowa, AIMS, TAAS, CAT, etc.). Standardized tests assess how well a student is learning. There is no national test; each state is free to select or devise its own. States also differ as to which grade levels must be tested. At the parent-teacher conference you can ask whether your child will be tested and if there is anything you should do to help him or her prepare.

Percentile rank. Percentile rank is a way of comparing a child's scores to those of children in a "norm group" who took the standardized test when it was being developed. If your child has a percentile rank of 80, it means that 80 percent of the children in the norm group got a lower score than your child. Being in the eightieth percentile does not mean that your child answered 80 percent of the questions correctly.

Stanine. Stanines are the most baffling of the scoring systems. The word is short for "standard nine" and refers to the nine sections of a bell curve into which a child's test results may fall. A stanine of 1, 2, or 3 is below average; 4, 5, or 6 is average; and 7, 8, or 9 is above average. Each stanine number indicates a range of performance, not a specific score.

Entrance into G.A.T.E. (Gifted and Talented Education) programs often depends on a child's stanine score. You can ask the teacher what the rules are in your school district, but don't squander too much of your conference time on the topic. You can squander time later when you research it online or compare notes with other confused parents.

There is much controversy about the value of yearly standardized testing, particularly in the early grades, because young children learn at vastly different rates. A 1999 study conducted by the Michigan Association for Early Childhood Teachers found that only 58 percent of teachers believe test scores are useful when conferring with parents. The scores remain a focal point of parent-teacher conferences because parents expect to see them and because it's more time-efficient to show a list of a fourth grader's scores than it is to dissect his essay. If test scores, class work, and your child's behavior are all worrisome, the teacher will certainly give you a heads-up. However, if only his test scores are problematic, it may simply be that he is stressed out about taking standardized tests. Many young children are. Ask the teacher how other children are doing in comparison to yours, and ask if she thinks your child needs extra help.

Advice for parents

Magic Words and Deeds: The Conference
"Sometimes parents come to the conference with their own agendas and misinterpret what I say, and that can put up barriers," says Karen Ivy, who teaches fourth grade at a private school. "Even veteran teachers get very defensive if they don't know parents well and feel like they're being blindsided." When teachers get defensive, they close up. You are there to get their perspective, and you want them to be as candid as possible. Although you are in their territory, it is up to you to make them feel comfortable enough to tell you the whole truth about your child. The following strategies will help.

Flatter first, ask questions later. Every teacher wants to know she is making a difference. Therefore, if the first words out of your mouth are a compliment, you'll instantly gain her goodwill. Karen Ivy explains, "If a parent comes in and says, 'We showed your progress report to both sets of grandparents,' that just makes me glow. It makes all the effort and strain and anxiety worthwhile, to know that I've mattered."

"Positive feedback is very important for teachers because we certainly don't get it monetarily," observes sixth-grade teacher Marna Biederman.

Tell the teacher how much your child trusts her. Trust is a big issue for teachers. They like to know not only that you trust them with your child's education, but that your child trusts them, too. You can get this across by relating something your child has said about the teacher's skill, such as, "Hillary says you explain math better than any other teacher she's had." If you need ammunition, ask your child to tell you a few positive things about the teacher before you go to the conference.

Voice your respect. Equality with parents is another major issue for teachers. "You wouldn't tell your dentist how to fill your tooth, but some parents who are not educators find it very comfortable to tell a teacher how she should be teaching," says Karen Ivy. "Some people forget that we're professionals, that we have degrees and credentials." Since this is such a sore spot, it pays to mention that you've noticed the teacher's expertise. Be as specific as you can: "I've been really impressed with the science curriculum this year, especially the rain forest section."

Give feedback about your child. "Both parties need to present positive ideas," says Maureen Van Evenhoven, who teaches kindergarten at an inner-city public school. She reports that some parents sit mutely, too tired or uninterested to contribute to the conversation. And the problem isn't unique to working-class moms and dads. At the private school where Karen Ivy teaches, some parents have a similarly passive attitude: "The tuition here is frightfully expensive. Parents think that because they're paying so much, everything should be taken care of for them."

The fact is that your child is competing with at least twenty others for the teacher's attention. She may know his academic strengths and weaknesses, but other information can help her see new ways to inspire him. You might mention his favorite books, computer games, TV programs, movies, sports, hobbies, music, his schedule, and household obligations such as caring for a sibling. The more information the teacher has about your child, the better she'll be able to teach him.

Use positive language to describe your child, even if you are discussing a problem. The way you perceive your child will have a great impact on the way the teacher perceives her. For instance, if the teacher reports that your daughter has been rowdy and undisciplined in class, you can respond honestly but put a positive spin on it: "Jenny is really enthusiastic, and that's one of the things we love about her. But we're trying to get her to learn some self-control at home, too. Do you have any suggestions?" Enlisting the teacher's help reinforces your faith in her. If you reply, "She's a handful, isn't she?" you are giving the teacher tacit permission to label your child difficult instead of enthusiastic. If that happens, the teacher may relax her efforts to work with your child.

Keep an open mind. "Put away your judgments of the teacher, the situation, and the school," advises Maureen Van Evenhoven. Don't assume that the teaching staff isn't committed just because the campus doesn't have a large grassy field, a new library, or lots of computers. Some of the most dedicated teachers work their magic in unlovely classrooms. Van Evenhoven, for example, spearheaded an innovative reading program at her inner-city campus.

Use positive body language. Yes, the chairs are small. But most people can manage to sit in them for twenty or thirty minutes without squirming. Teachers like it when you stay in your chair, look them in the eye, and pay attention to what they are saying. They resent it when parents stand and hover over them or wander around the room during the conference, scanning the walls for their child's artwork or essays. In other words, teachers want the same type of attentive behavior from you that they expect from your child.

Absolute no-no's

Absolute No-No's
When parents walk into the classroom for a parent-teacher conference, teachers instantly scan them for clues about their attitude. Will they be friendly or hostile? Open-minded or rigid? Throughout the meeting, the parents' words and behavior paint a picture that will follow them throughout their child's career at the school. "Parents don't think about the fact that teachers talk to one another," explains Marna Biederman. "You get your new class and other teachers will say, 'Oh, that father is so critical,' or, 'They're phonies.'" To foster warm relations with the teacher and avoid getting a bad reputation:

Don't enter the classroom clutching a stack of your child's papers. "When you see them with the child's papers in their hands, it means they're going to challenge you," notes Biederman. "Even if they only mean to come in and say, 'How lovely – he got a C,' that's not what's coming across when they walk in with those papers." If you must show the teacher your child's papers, keep them in your purse or otherwise concealed until you've established some rapport with her.

Don't criticize other teachers, the principal, or the school. Why should a teacher feel greater allegiance to you than to the people she works with? Your criticism will probably make her feel defensive or mistrustful of you.

Don't criticize other parents or children. Keep your questions focused on your child. If you believe a particular student is giving your child a hard time – for instance, bullying or teasing him – broach the subject calmly and give specific examples and the names of witnesses, if you have any. There are two sides to every conflict, and the teacher may be able to fill you in on the side you are unaware of.

Don't accuse the teacher of playing favorites or picking on your child. "We've heard the whole nine yards," says Ivy. "You don't like my child. You have it in for her. You have favorites. You like boys more than girls." Biederman recalls what happened when she told one mother that her daughter needed to raise her hand in class instead of blurting out the answers. The girl's mom retorted, "Well, I know something about you. Another parent told me, 'If Mrs. Biederman likes your child, you're golden, but if not, watch out!'" Outbursts such as this won't help your child. On the contrary, they will make teachers want to avoid you, which may mean avoiding or neglecting your child.

Don't fib about your child. No child is perfect, and most parent-teacher conferences include at least a few minutes' worth of criticism about the child. Unfortunately, some parents can't handle bad news. Their response, perhaps out of fear, is to deny any knowledge of their child's shortcomings. "This is a very common complaint in the teacher's lounge," says Biederman. "A parent will look at you with wide-open eyes and say, 'This is the first time anyone's ever said anything!'"

If your child has been in the school for more than one year, you can assume that prior to your meeting, his teacher has conferred with teachers from the previous years. If you feign ignorance about poor past performance or behavior, she will probably know you are lying. Your denial and lack of support may put a damper on her efforts to work with your child. Biederman elaborates: "You begin to think, 'I'm not really going to get anywhere with this parent.' In a funny way, it makes me stop trying to solve the problem, although I'll never stop trying to make the child's year happier."

For Your Child's Future, Control Yourself
Your behavior at your child's school can have far-reaching effects on his education, especially if you plan to enroll him in a private school at some point. Says Marna Biederman, "Very often parents are not aware, even though I know my superiors have told them, that the middle schools to which their sixth-graders are applying really consider what the parents are like, not just what their pocketbooks are like. And there are some parents who are totally unable to control themselves when they come in to talk about their child."

A teacher at an exclusive girls' high school put it even more bluntly: "The admission interviews are to check out the parents, not the children. The staff wants to weed out the bullying parents who are going to cause everyone a lot of grief." Parent-teacher conferences are wonderful practice for those interviews.

Dealing with bad teachersWhat If the Teacher Really Is a Monster?
First of all, she is not a monster. She is simply a "bad fit" with your child. This is the acceptable jargon at most schools, where your avenues for conflict resolution are few: the teacher and the principal. However, there are several strategies that can help you improve an unhappy situation. One cardinal rule is that the sooner you voice your concern, the more likely it is that your child can be moved to a different classroom. The first two weeks of the school year are usually considered to be flexible; after that, the principal will be less willing to accommodate you. If your child seems extremely distressed from the get-go (and doesn't make a habit of complaining about her new teacher every year), it may be shrewd to ask for a change right away.

If the problems don't bubble to the surface until later in the semester, try your best to work things out with the teacher and your child before speaking to the principal. Says Marna Biederman, "When [parents] go to the head of the school without talking to you, you just feel like killing them." There isn't much the principal can do anyway, aside from moving your child to another class. She certainly can't change whatever it is that's not working between your child and the teacher; only the teacher (and your child) can do that. Before you meet with the teacher, talk with other parents whose children had her in previous years. They might be able to shed some light on her personality and give you suggestions about how best to deal with her. If your attempts fail, you can always insist that your child be moved after the winter break. Taking a child out of a class in the middle of the semester should be a last resort.

Unsung Heroes
Most teachers are in the classroom because they feel a calling to be there. How many other professions inspire such a high level of commitment for such modest pay? Remember this when you are at the parent-teacher conference and throughout the school year, and tell the teacher she's doing a great job whenever you honestly can. In June, write a letter expressing your thanks. "If it's sincere, a letter means a great deal more to a teacher than a two-pound box of chocolates," says Biederman. Send a copy to the principal as well, so it becomes part of the teacher's record. From these small acts, your great reputation will be made.