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Staying Connected to Your College Kids

Balancing Act

Staying Connected to Your College Kids How do you keep up a relationship with a child who is in college? Is it possible to nourish, and even deepen, your bond, despite being many miles apart? What's the appropriate number of times that you should write, phone, and visit her? Should you just cut the cord, acknowledging and reinforcing her independence, and let her determine how much contact she wishes to maintain with you? You'll ponder and debate these questions more with your first college student, and you may discover that there will be different answers to these questions with each of your college kids.

How do you balance your communication with your college girl so that she feels cared for and remembered, but not monitored and suffocated? First, accept the fact that there is no successful set formula for this communications balancing act. It could consist of a brief email every other day, one phone call every Sunday at noon, two long letters per month, and a care package during exam periods. You'll discover that a natural rhythm of connecting with each other will evolve over time. She'll give you many subtle and direct cues regarding how she needs to stay connected to you — how often she initiates contact, the content and tone of her emails and letters, how she sounds during phone calls, and how she behaves when you visit her.

Here's one concrete communications rule that you need to follow after you've dropped off your college student to begin her freshman year: Don't wait for her to be the first to initiate contact. She may feel that a call home during her first week of college signals her lack of independence and her inability to handle her new environment. So call your "grown-up," bewildered, overwhelmed, excited, and possibly homesick freshman during that first week. Your loving and supportive voice will anchor her. Your timely phone call will reassure her that although she has left home, you are always there for her.

Computer Contact

Emails can be short or long. Because they are so quick and easy to send, you may find yourself unintentionally overdoing it. But unless your child indicates that you are sending her too many emails (several per day may fit that category), I wouldn't worry too much about "burdening" her with too much computer contact. The beauty of email is the ease, frequency, and immediacy with which you can say, "I'm thinking of you. I love you." Be realistic and don't expect an immediate response — or any response to every one of your emails. Don't take it personally that the communication is one-sided at times, or that her replies are 2 four-word sentences. Keep sending emails. Trust me, the connection is being made.

Letters...the "Other Mail"

Based upon the testimonies of many college kids I've known (including my own children), there's nothing quite like opening your college mailbox and finding a letter from home — a long, juicy letter from home (unless it's finding a long, juicy letter from your boyfriend or girlfriend). There's just something almost magical about opening up a formerly empty box and finding that something has appeared there for you. It felt great when you were 8 and it still feels great at 19. All letters don't have to be long or juicy. One of my college roommate's letters from his dad consisted of newspaper and magazine articles with "FYI. Love, Dad," written on them. The content of all these articles was always of particular interest to my roommate and I could tell by his smiles when he opened the envelopes that he and his dad had a special connection going. Be they a 10-page epic written on both sides of the paper, or a single comic strip that your child would find amusing, keep those letters coming!

Care Packages

The sight of a care package from home in the dorm's mail delivery room has left many a college student weak-kneed and salivating (especially if the smells wafting from the wrapped package are strong enough to be recognizable). Colleges caught on long ago to making money with the care package concept. The college care packages that you may purchase are usually geared toward delivery on birthdays, holidays, and exam periods. While I'm sure that she would be delighted to receive one of these college offerings, nothing can compare to eating her favorite homemade treats. (C'mon, how can a Milky Way compare to your legendary lemon squares!) Cost, breakage, and spoilage are what limit the contents and the frequency of care packages from home. I've received care packages. I've seen others get them. I've sent them to my kids. They're a guaranteed hit and loving connection. So start baking those lemon squares!

It's Your Call

Hearing the voices of family members (and even the barking of his devoted dog) can work wonders for your college boy. Phone conversations don't need to be intimate in content for you to pick up on how your son is feeling about his college life. Listen to the tone and volume of his voice, his pauses and hesitations — does he "sound like himself"? Some kids fear talking on the phone when things aren't going well because they have a parent like my mother, who could tell from my first sentence when I was in trouble. But I was always better off, as your child will be when his distress is heard and he gets the chance to unburden himself and to receive your loving support.

You might want to consider the merits of a regularly designated phone-call time (e.g., every Sunday night at 7 p.m.). Knowing that he can expect to hear from you at the same time on a regular basis will provide him with an emotional anchor, something good and kind and empathetic that will always comfort him, no matter how much uncertainty and distress he is feeling. He can also look forward regularly to sharing his joys and accomplishments and hearing his family's animated responses. There's a reason why the telephone ad campaign, "Reach out and touch someone" resonated with the public. We are touched in a unique way by the sound of the human voice. One of my college friends coined an apt term for weekly family phone calls: booster shots.

We're Here!

As the song says, "Ain't nothing like the real thing." And nothing tops connecting with your college student in person. Visiting your kids involves money and time considerations for all but the wealthy and those living in close proximity to their children's colleges. Most college students I've known have welcomed family visits, beyond the obligatory annual "parents' weekend" visit planned by the college. Make sure that you give your child as much advance notice as possible. Surprise visits are rarely a good idea and can sometimes be embarrassing and disappointing. Parents bearing their children's favorite foods are especially welcome.

Don't take it personally if your student can't match your proposed visiting dates with her availability. Instead, be pleased that her academic, social, and extracurricular obligations are providing her with a full, rich collegiate life. What is most important to her is the knowledge that you are eager to see her. If your respective schedules allow for visits to occur, all the better. And remember there are holiday and semester breaks that will usually bring your children home to you.

Why Aren't You in the Library More?

Whether it's through emails, letters, phone calls, or college visits, it's what and how you communicate to your kids that determines how well you stay connected. Unconditional love, support, and understanding should underscore all your communications. Don't use your communications primarily as opportunities to grill your kids: How much time are you spending studying in the library? How much sleep are you getting on weekdays? Are you drinking or doing drugs? Why haven't you written your grandmother more?

There are ways to get a feel for how your child is faring in school — academically, socially, and emotionally — without repeatedly putting her through "The Inquisition" when you contact her. Open-ended questions that show an interest in his life — "Is introductory biology as tough as you expected?" "How's the roommate situation?" "Have you had much time to have a social life, given your studies and playing football?" — are always better than questions and comments with built-in expectations, blame, and guilt: "You do remember the GPA you have to maintain to keep your scholarship, don't you?" "How can you get any studying done in this room?" "We'd appreciate some idea of whether you're passing or flunking your courses!"

You have means at your disposal to maintain and even deepen your relationship with your college kids. Explore them all and you'll soon discover a comfortable, varied communication rhythm and frequency to keep you connected.