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When You Say It Right (But Things Still Go Wrong)

Reasons 1 and 2

When You Say It Right (But Things Still Go Wrong)

Ten Winning Tips for Troubleshooters

The following excerpt is taken from How To Say It to Your Kids, by Dr. Paul Coleman.

There are no perfect formulas to solve every child problem, but when common-sense solutions fail and creative solutions fail, chances are you have misidentified the problem. Giving your car a tune-up to make it run better won't help if the problem is bad gasoline. Wearing a sweater to keep warm is fine, but it doesn't fix the furnace.

Family life is complicated. People seek professional help because their efforts to resolve certain problems have failed and they don't know why.

When reasonable efforts to parent your children backfire, something fundamental to the situation is being overlooked. This chapter will help you locate the culprits and fix them.

Reasons 1 and 2

A Child Problem Is Really a Disguised Marital Problem

This takes many forms. One form occurs when a parent complains about a child's behavior (sloppy, inattentive, unappreciative, disrespectful, etc.) but the parent is hurt most by the belief that his spouse acts those ways, too. Thus, a man who is annoyed with his wife's inability to handle menial household chores by herself (such as a burned-out bulb or a tire with low air pressure) may yell at his daughter when she acts helpless. He is really angry with his wife. A wife who thinks her husband takes her for granted may find it difficult when the kids are whining while she's trying to eat lunch. She may mishandle that situation because her frustration with her husband is not being addressed.

When anger is misdirected at the children, yelling at them is often done within earshot of the spouse. "Will you kids please clean up your mess? How many times do I have to tell you!" may be a wife's way of yelling at her mate to help out more around the house.

Sometimes a child's behavior problem serves a hidden purpose. It gives a spouse an excuse to blame the mate for something. "See, I told you that you are too lenient (or harsh) with discipline. Now look at what he's done." When marital differences are annoying but unresolved, parents may have less flexibility when dealing with their children's problem behaviors, and those behaviors might then continue.

Finally, if a child's actions distract an unhappy couple from focusing on their relationship, the actions may persist despite reasonable efforts to resolve them. For example, a child who has many unrealistic fears and anxieties may keep parents from discussing (arguing about) an area of conflict. Instead, they may focus on the child. By bringing the parents together in a common cause, the child may subconsciously learn to develop symptoms.

You Are Over-involved or Under-involved with Your Kids

Experts sometimes use the word "enmeshed" to describe an overly involved parent. Such parents mean well but actually tend to overprotect, smother, and stifle normal growth. They become uneasy with a child's growing independence because their own role is threatened. These parents use empathy a great deal and try to reason with their kids. This is not so bad, but usually they are trying to reason in ways that overprotect. Children in these cases tend to become more dependent and therefore require more involvement with their parents, so it is a self-perpetuating cycle. Some kids rebel and pull away from the smothering. Efforts to persuade them may fail -- not because the words are ineffective but because the reason for the rebellion is being overlooked. Until Mom pulls back some (most enmeshed parents are mothers), nothing will change.

Underinvolved parents are referred to as "disengaged." They may care, but it takes a lot to get their attention. It will take a bloodcurdling shriek from a squabbling child before the parent (often a father) steps in and tells the kids to break it up. These parents admire autonomy and give their kids plenty of room. But, unfortunately, the kids receive less supervision and less affection as well. Such dads are good at giving orders but poor at affection or empathy. You can see how these patterns can make it hard to communicate effectively. Imagine that the kids are fighting frequently (sound familiar?).

An enmeshed mother jumps in to arbitrate, reason with the kids, and maybe tells them to be quiet. Ten minutes later the kids are at it again. A disengaged father may intervene if the fighting gets serious. But as soon as he goes back to the newspaper, the fight may resume, though at a slightly lower decibel level. The mom is ineffective because instead of letting the kids work out their own squabbles, she teaches them that they can count on her to settle their differences for them. Dad is ineffective because if the only attention he gives the kids is negative attention, the kids will opt for that. Until Dad is more involved in the kids' lives overall (not just when they are fighting) and until Mom backs off a bit and lets the kids have a life without her, beautifully phrased communications will have no long-term effect.

Reasons 3 and 4

Parent Is Depressed or Overwhelmed

When a parent's ability to take control is hampered by illness or depression, that parent's listening skills deteriorate. A depressed father will tune out the kids or limit his interactions with them. He may also interpret a child's misbehavior more harshly. The more overwhelmed a mother feels, the less capably she will handle any child situation.

Since dissatisfied couples are 25 times more likely to become depressed than are happy couples, it is important for a depressed person to look closely at the state of the marriage. Antidepressant medications can be very helpful. Support from other adults is also necessary when a person feels overwhelmed. Single parents have a very difficult task because they are on the job constantly.

When You're a Walking Contradiction

When you teach "do as I say, not as I do," your credibility diminishes. You may want your children to obey rules, to put things back where they belong, to clean up their mess, and to show consideration, but you may act in the following ways:

• You change your mind about a supermarket item and place it back on the wrong aisle shelf for the sake of convenience.
• You find an expensive item on the ground and keep it instead of trying to locate the owner.
• You remark at a restaurant how the waiter forgot to charge you for something, and you say, "That's his problem, not mine."/li>
• Your car is a mess.
• The top of your dresser is a mess.
• You routinely speed on the highway.
• You are frequently impatient with other drivers or when standing in a checkout line.
You postpone work projects until the last minute.
You are often late.

Children watch their parents carefully. As kids mature they are more likely to adopt a more casual set of values when their parents have done the same. Parenting will become more difficult.

Reasons 5 and 6

You Overly Identify with Your Children

If your child is experiencing some difficulty that you once experienced, your background may help you understand -- but it might also interfere. If you presume too much, you may stop listening to your child and miss some key elements of his concerns. For example, Fred was shy as a child, and he knew that his son, Danny, was shy, too. Not wanting Danny to feel bad about being shy (as Fred once did), Fred gave Danny encouraging pep talks but never really listened to any of his son's concerns. As a result, Danny was reluctant to talk to his father about the issue. Some parents are so convinced that their child is "just like me" that they overrule their spouse's opinions about the child, thereby setting the stage for spousal resentment.

In the book Parenting by Heart, psychologist Ron Taffel says that over-identification means you are reacting to your child but not truly connecting. Consequently, parenting may become more complicated because you think you know what is best when in fact you might not. You have to consider the possibility that you are not being objective. Ask for opinions from trusted friends or loved ones.

You Say, "I Never Want to Be Like My Parents!"

The more adamant you are about this, the more it usually backfires. For example, if your parents were frequently angry and you want to avoid feeling angry, you may become an ineffective disciplinarian. (Predictably, your spouse will be stricter, and you will yell at him for being harsh when in fact he is only balancing out the system.) If your parents were inattentive, you will want to give your children attention -- but you may overdo it. Thus, your kids may become more dependent, or you may feel overwhelmed with time and work pressures, but feel afraid to limit your time with the kids. (It's okay to do that sometimes. Kids need to learn patience and self-sufficiency.) Or you'll spend lots of time with the kids but have no time left over for yourself or your mate. It's funny but true: The parents who didn't raise you properly were trying to overcome factors present when their parents didn't raise them properly. If you take matters to extremes, you will lose perspective and effectiveness.

Reasons 7 and 8

Your Expectations Are Self-Fulfilling

A group of mothers who were convinced that their sons acted negatively when given sugar were divided into two groups. One group was told to play with their sons after the boys were given a sugary drink. The other mothers played with their sons when the boys were given an artificial sweetener. The boys had ankle and wrist "actometers" that measured their physical activity. In truth, none of the boys were given sugar, but the mothers who believed their sons had a sweet drink rated them as more active and difficult -- despite the fact that their actometers revealed the boys to be less active than the other group.

Once you have labeled your child, that label will stick in your mind. A child who routinely delays doing his homework might prompt a parent to scold him when he is watching television instead of inquiring what the homework status is. That parental approach may cause more negative feelings on both sides and interfere with cooperation.

You Are Part of a New Stepfamily

Stepfamilies can run smoothly, but it usually takes time. Sometimes the adults are living together but unmarried, and that can be even more complicating because the nonparent has even less legitimate authority. Also, in some of these arrangements each party pays their individual bills, which further diminishes the sense that it is one big happy family. Generally, stepfamilies should follow these guidelines:

• The stepparent should help make rules but should not be the main enforcer.
• The stepparent should not try to replace the absent biological parent.
• The stepparent should find some quality one-on-one time with each of the kids. It is the best and fastest way to build rapport.
• Problems should be handled in family meetings until the stepparent is treated as a legitimate authority.
• Don't expect a stepparent to automatically love the stepchildren.
• Depending on the child's age, stepparents may never quite love their stepchildren the way they do their biological children, but treatment of all kids should be fair.

Reasons 9 and 10

You Allow Stereotypes to Intrude in Your Family

Fathers who won't change diapers and mothers who won't play catch with their kids are not only missing out, they are messing up. It may seem small, but when you limit your activities with a child and let your mate take over, you limit your role in other ways, too. Eventually you will be a two-dimensional parent -- very involved in your area of expertise but uninvolved in other areas. This can have far-reaching effects. One study showed that couples with one child, a girl, were 9 percent more likely to divorce than couples who had only a boy. Couples with two girls were 18 percent more likely to divorce than couples with two boys. Why? Evidently fathers spend more time in child-care activities with sons than with daughters. A dad's greater involvement usually improves marital satisfaction and reduces the risk of divorce. (Another study showed that if a girl had brothers, her father was more involved in her life than if she had no brothers.) While it is true that some parents are better skilled at some child-focused tasks than their mates, the less-skilled parent shouldn't abandon efforts to be useful in those areas.

You Don't Give New Approaches a Fair Shot

Ironically, frustrated parents have a tendency to overuse parenting approaches that haven't proved useful but give up on helpful approaches quickly. For example, parents who have found that taking away privileges from a child doesn't stop some unacceptable behavior will continue to take away privileges. They don't question the technique but just assume that their child is obstinate or extra difficult. But maybe they have misidentified the problem. Maybe the punishment is actually making matters worse. These same parents may try a new approach, but the first time they don't get the desired response, they abandon it and go back to the old standbys. If you have reason to believe that a different approach makes sense, try it for at least two weeks. If there is improvement but no resolution, then there is something about the approach that is working. Don't abandon it.