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How to Raise a Nonviolent Child

aise a Nonviolent ChildAn overview of anger

How to Raise a Nonviolent ChildAn overview of anger Whenever I am asked what is different about children today compared to thirty years ago, when I started working with children, I immediately answer, anger. We have so many angry children, and the degree of anger is significantly more intense. There are children who are angry every day of their lives. They wake up angry, go to school angry, and go to bed angry.

Since children do not manage anger well, anger often results in conflict with siblings, peers, parents, teachers, and authority figures. When conflicts are not resolved, anger can turn into aggression, revenge, and violence. The way today's children react with revenge and violence is more excessive, cruel, and brutal. Thirty years ago, the most violent act we would see at school would be an occasional fight, which might have resulted in a couple of black eyes. Today, children use knives, guns, and even bombs to express violence. Anger is the primary reason behind the excessive violence in our children.

A Brief Overview of Anger
Anger exists in everyone. Occasional anger is normal; chronic anger is not. Chronic anger can destroy relationships. Chronic anger can damage our mental health and our physical health. Typically, aggression, revenge, and violence occur when anger becomes chronic. The purpose of this chapter is to help you teach your children how to manage their occasional anger and keep it from becoming chronic.

It is helpful to think of anger as a secondary emotion. Something will happen to upset you and then you become angry. Something happens to activate the anger. As parents, our children may disappoint or frustrate us, and we get angry. We may become angry when our children disobey, defy, or talk back. A child may experience teasing, hurt, failure, or rejection and become angry. Many children become angry when they do not get their way or when they believe that something is unfair. These initial, activating events are called triggers. We all have our own unique set of triggers. My anger can still be triggered when I see a child bullying a younger child.

Anger is part of our temperament-our overall mood or disposition. Temperament is inborn. Some parents have anger that is more easily triggered, and so do some children.

Anger is also learned. When children live with parents who are angry, children learn to be angry. When a child sees a parent acting out his anger by screaming or hitting, he learns that it is okay to scream and hit when you are angry.

How do so many children become angry? There are a number of factors. There are more angry adults in our world today. Road rage was unheard of thirty years ago. More angry adults means more angry children. Some children are angry because they have been excessively punished or punished unfairly. When children live in a hostile or critical home, they become angry because of feelings of despair and hopelessness. Many children are angry because of prolonged sadness or unhappiness. This can lead to depression, which is anger aimed inward. Children are angry because of divorce. Many children of divorce become angry because they feel alone or abandoned. They do not have a solid connection with an adult or with their family.

Teaching Anger Management
Teach your children to recognize and regulate their anger. Teach them how anger affects their body. When you are angry, your heart beats faster. You may breathe hard. Your face muscles feel tight. Your eyes might squint. Your body is rigid. You may clench your fists. You may feel like screaming or hitting.

Teach your children that it is normal to feel angry, especially if someone has hurt your feelings. You may want to get even, but hitting or fighting does not solve the problem; thinking and talking are better ways. Tell your child,

"When you are angry with someone, you may think about hitting him. You feel like you want to hurt him because he did something to hurt you. Whenever you get even with someone because you are angry, it is not a good solution. When you are feeling angry, the best thing to do is tell someone. Tell someone you trust. Talk with your dad or me. Talk with your teacher or a good friend. When you talk about anger, it helps you feel better."

Teach your child strategies for calming and redirecting himself when he becomes angry. Choose a time when your child is quiet and receptive. Do not try to teach calming techniques when your child is in the middle of an angry outburst. Practice techniques such as deep breathing, counting to ten, playing with a favorite toy, or going to their room and taking a rest or listening to relaxing music. When your child does become angry, use a verbal reminder or cue to help him calm down.

Jordan would often get angry when she did not get her way. Mark taught Jordan how to use deep breathing to calm down. Mark began by telling Jordan that deep breathing is an idea that many adults use to help calm down. Then he showed her what to do. He put his hand on his chest and took two deep breaths. Jordan did the same. When Mark would see Jordan getting upset, he would cue her by putting his hand on his chest and taking a deep breath. This would help Jordan remember to use deep breathing to calm down.

Wendy also taught Conner to use breathing to control his temper. She knew was making progress when one day Conner reminded her, "Mom, you are getting mad. Take a few deep breaths."

Role-playing is an excellent way to practice anger management. Ask your child to think of a situation that makes him angry. Brainstorm possible solutions. Then role-play the situation. We often tell our children to walk away and ignore others who are teasing them or trying to get them angry. Walking away is not easy. It takes practice. Edward used role-playing to help Charles learn to manage his anger when his friends would tease him. Edward played the role of Charles's friend Arthur.

Modeling anger managementArthur (Edward): "What an ugly shirt. Did your sister buy you that shirt?"
Charles: "I am sorry you don't like it. I bought it, and I like it."
Arthur: "It looks like my sister's shirt."
Charles: "I like it."
Arthur: "It's ugly."
Charles: "I am going to the playground. See you later." (Charles walks away.)

You may need to practice role-playing several different situations. This helps children take what they learn by role-playing into the real world. Role-playing works with any age of child. Young children call it pretending. After each role-playing activity, praise your child for his effort and desire to learn to manage anger.

Teach your children to learn from their anger. Talk with your children after an anger episode. Be sure to wait long enough so that your child is ready to talk and listen. Many parents want to rush into this while the child is still angry. This could be a mistake because it could reignite the anger. It may be helpful to say, "Let me know when you are ready to talk about this."

Begin your talk by asking your child to remember what happened to get the anger started: "What is making you upset?" With older children you may actually label this the trigger event. Then ask the child why the trigger got the anger going: "Can you say why this upset you so much?" If your child has trouble using words to describe what happened, you might want to offer some ideas: "It sounds like you felt left out of the game."

In some cases, you may want to ask if the anger was helpful: "Did getting angry help you feel better? Did getting angry change what happened?" Finally, you want to talk about alternatives: "What else could you have done?" "What have you done before that may have worked better?" For most children, simply talking about anger is a helpful way of learning about anger management.

Dad: "I would like to talk about this, now."
Nick: "Talk about what?" Dad: "Talk about what happened and what got you so angry. Can you tell me what happened, please?"
Nick: "I got mad because he took my CD without asking me."
Dad: "Your brother took your CD, and you got mad."
Nick: "Yes."
Dad: "I can understand that. Did getting angry help?"
Nick: "Not really. We just got into an argument."
Dad: "Can you think of something else you could have said?"
Nick: "No!"
Dad: "I might have said, 'It really upsets me when you take my stuff. Please ask me next time.' Can you try that?"
Nick: "I don't know if that will work."
Dad: "If you try it next time, you will know. It sounds better than fighting!"

Many children have difficulty using words to describe how they feel. Teach your children to express with drawings. This helps young children get started. Once they have a picture, you can ask about events and feelings.

Susan had Jack pose for several pictures. In one picture he would smile, in another he would frown, in another he would make an angry face. Then Susan drew a picture of a thermometer on a large chart. She labeled the thermometer from bottom to top: calm, upset, angry, hot, and steaming. She taught Jack to choose a picture that showed his feelings and then place it on the thermometer. This enabled Jack to express himself and gave Susan a tool to begin talking with Jack about his anger. Pictures and words are always better than hitting.

Older children can use a diary to help reflect on their anger. Teach them to write down what happened, how they got angry, and what they did after they got angry. This helps children see patterns to triggers and reactions.

None of these suggestions will work unless you model and practice anger management yourself. You cannot just tell your children what to do. You have to show them. You need to be a living example. Your children will learn to manage their anger by watching the way you manage your anger.

For most parents, anger habits are learned. The way you manage your anger is part of your parenting style and is sometimes affected by your temperament. Some parents suppress their anger and let it simmer until it boils over, and then explode over a little misbehavior. This confuses children; they never know when you are going to go off. Some parents vent their anger by "blasting" every chance they get. This may seem to work sometimes, but the constant yelling only teaches children to stay out of your way. Children learn that yelling, screaming, and adult tantrums are a way to control. Neither of these styles teaches your children good anger-management strategies.

Parents who are successful anger managers are good models for their children. They have learned to handle anger in a way that is constructive rather than destructive. They have learned to acknowledge their anger and then use it to solve the problem or improve the situation. Parents who manage their anger are aware of their triggers, and they plan to prevent these events from becoming button pushers.

Frustration is a common parent trigger. We work hard each day to provide our children with a fine home and a secure future, and yet the trash sits there for days. You might say, "I am upset that the trash is still in the kitchen. I asked you to take it out yesterday. Please do it now before it becomes a bigger problem for both of us."

Arguments are another common trigger. When you discover that you are angry and arguing, withdraw immediately: "This is not helping. I am getting angry with this. I am going to deal with me, and then I am coming back to deal with you." This approach lets your children know that you are serious about the situation but that controlling your anger is what you need to do first. Your children will also learn that when you do return, you will be more reasonable and less emotional.

Do not take your child's anger personally, even when he is angry with you. When your child strikes out at you in anger, stay calm. Walk away if needed. This is not easy. If you get angry in return, you are setting up a pattern of power and control, and your child may then seek revenge by becoming angrier.