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Using Punishments Effectively

Do Your Punishments Work?

Using Punishments EffectivelyAt Brandt and Audra's house, beds need to be made before leaving for school. If you fail to make your bed, you go to bed thirty minutes early. The last time that Brandt failed to make his bed was three weeks ago. Audra fails to make her bed about four mornings a week. She goes to bed early each time.

Most parents believe that going to bed early is a good punishment. This seems like a good plan, but look at what is actually happening. This form of punishment works well for Brandt; he avoids the punishment by remembering to make his bed. He has decided that staying up a little later is important.

Going to bed early is not a punishment for Audra. She does not avoid it. Going to bed early has had no effect on her behavior; she is not making her bed. Maybe she likes going to bed early-I certainly do! Another punishment should be used for Audra, something that will change her behavior.

Punishment is a negative consequence. When used properly, punishment eliminates or reduces misbehavior. Using punishment correctly is difficult. It requires consistent follow-through. Too much punishment is harmful; it creates unpleasant feelings and drains energy. Punishment works, but it is not easy to use effectively. Most parents believe that punishing a misbehavior will stop the child from repeating the misbehavior. Sometimes this is true, but sometimes it is not:

"How do you punish your children?"
"I yell."
"How do your children react to your yelling?"
"They don't react. They usually ignore me."
"Then what?"
"I get angry. Sometimes I yell again."
"Do they stop?"
"For a while, maybe."
"What do you try next?"
"Sometimes I spank them."
"How often do you have to spank them?"
"About eight or ten times a day."
Any punishment that is used this often is not working. The misbehavior is not getting better. The children are not listening to the yelling. They are not avoiding the spankings.

Good Punishments Are Seldom Used
A true punishment is one that is seldom used because it is seldom needed. This is punishment's golden rule. Punishment should reduce the need for more punishment; it should decrease the misbehavior. If the misbehavior does not change, then the punishment is not working. Many parents make this mistake, focusing on the punishment rather than the misbehavior. If you punish your child five or six times a day for the same misbehavior, the punishment is not working. If you keep adding to the punishment and the misbehavior continues, the punishment is not working. It is not the punishment that is important but the misbehavior. A punishment must change the misbehavior. If it doesn't, try something else. You may think that yelling, threatening, scolding, and spanking are good punishments. These reactions release your anger, but they are not good punishments; they have little long-term effect on misbehavior. Anger and punishment do not mix.

Do Not Punish When You Are Angry
Linda hurried home one day to take her dog to the vet. When she arrived home, she heard someone in the house. She was ready to run next door and call the police when she heard a giggle. She called out. There was another giggle. She went into her thirteen-year-old daughter's bedroom. Another giggle. Nancie and two friends were hiding in the closet, skipping school. Linda was so angry she could not think straight. All she could say was, "Nancie, it's going to take me and your father a few days to think about how you will be punished for this." Linda did not let her anger get in the way of being rational and making a good judgment. Allowing her daughter to worry for a few days is a pretty good punishment all by itself.

Whenever I do a workshop on punishment, I explain this next point carefully. For many parents, this is an idea with considerable impact. When you punish in anger, you are actually doing two things at the same time-punishing, and reacting with anger. What if your child intended to get you angry? What if your child wanted to get even or retaliate because of something that happened earlier? Seeing you get angry is not a punishment. It is a reward! When you get angry at a misbehavior, you are teaching your child how to have control over your emotional state of mind. You are giving your child power over you. This is a payoff; the misbehavior is reinforced, not punished. As a result, the misbehavior increases. The effects of the punishment are negated by the reward of getting you angry. Some children would trade a swat on the bottom for the power they receive when they have succeeded in getting you angry. The only way to break this cycle of retaliation is to stop punishing with anger. If you find yourself getting angry, walk away. Dispense with your anger first, then confront the misbehavior. Do not let your children push your buttons.

Do not punish when you are angry. Cool off first. The purpose of punishment is to teach your children to behave better in the future, not to get even. Sometimes your children can make you very angry, but this is not the time to hand out punishment. I remember a child who was upset because he was grounded forever. When I spoke with his dad, he explained that the boy had lost some of his tools. He got so angry at his son, he grounded him for the rest of his life. He overreacted.

When you overreact because you are angry, you may say things that you do not mean. You cannot ground a child for life. Do not punish when you are angry. You will be teaching your children that punishment is a form of revenge.

The purpose of punishment is to change a misbehavior and teach better decision making. Punishment is most effective when it is predetermined and planned. Punishment does not work well as an impulsive reaction. When you become angry, you are acting as a model for negative behavior. You will not be teaching your children to make better decisions.

Be Reasonable and ConsistentDo Not Punish to Embarrass
Punishment should not embarrass, humiliate, or degrade children. Punishment is meant to teach your child that misbehaving is not a good decision and behaving is a good decision. When punishment embarrasses your child, it creates unhealthy feelings. The embarrassment will only cause your child to think of you as mean or unfair. When this occurs, your child will not learn to make better decisions. He will not learn cooperation. Your child may strike back in anger, which can start a negative cycle.

Do not punish your child in front of other children. Take your child aside. Tell him what he has done and that he will be punished. Talk about it later, when the two of you are alone.

Use Punishment Consistently
Punishment must be administered consistently. Once you decide to punish a misbehavior, do so always. If you punish only when you feel like it, you will make the problem worse. Once you tell your child that he is going to be punished, follow through. You must use punishment consistently, even after you have had a long, miserable day. You can never miss or let the misbehavior slide-not even once. Many parents make this mistake. Children love it. It motivates them to test you-to see if you will punish them this time.

Angela wanted to know why punishment did not have any effect on her son, Bryan. She explained that she "tried everything. Nothing bothers him. He never does what I ask him to do." After more discussion, I learned that Angela punishes Brian once or twice a week, while he did what he pleased all the other times. Angela did not follow through consistently; Bryan could misbehave several times a day and only be punished once or twice a week. This is a tradeoff most children would make gladly. Angela and Bryan were trapped in a pattern. She did not punish consistently because she believed it did not work. He continued to misbehave because he got away with it most of the time. Angela worked out a plan that used positive feedback and punishment, and emphasized cooperation and good decisions. She used small punishments, but she used them consistently. As Angela's behavior improved, Bryan's behavior improved.

Be Reasonable
Punishment must be reasonable. Short and simple punishments are more effective than harsh punishments. React appropriately to the size of the misbehavior. Do not restrict your son for a month because he did not finish his vegetables. Take away his dessert. When punishments are reasonable, children learn what behaviors are important.

Punishment should be administered as soon after the misbehavior as possible. The more immediate, the more effective the punishment will be. This is especially true with young children. The only exception to this rule occurs when you are angry. Do not punish immediately when you are angry. Wait until you settle down, just as Linda did when she caught Nancie skipping school. You might say, "You will be punished for this, but I have to cool down first."

With misbehaviors that are recurrent, punishment should only be used after you have tried several positive remedies. Most adults think of punishment first. Most adults think that you always treat a misbehavior with a punishment. You can improve misbehavior by using positive feedback to strengthen the opposite of the misbehavior. Your two children argue constantly. Instead of saying, "If you do not stop fighting, you will both be grounded for the weekend," point out the opposite. The opposite of arguing is cooperating. Use encouragement and positive feedback when they are cooperating and sharing: "It's good to see you having fun. You should be proud of yourselves for the way you are sharing the computer." Immediately resorting to punishment traps many parents. No one likes how it feels. One way to escape this trap is to focus on positive behavior.

Your Turn
Pam cannot understand why Steven will not behave. Pam wants to be more positive but sometimes forgets. Steven is a very active child. He gets into things he is not supposed to touch. Whenever Steven does not mind, Pam becomes upset and frustrated. Pam yells a lot. She spanks, too. Nothing seems to work. What can you tell Pam about her behavior?

Pam needs to realize that her style of punishment is not working. Steven has become immune to the yelling and the spanking, and his misbehavior is not improving. Pam needs to control herself. Getting angry and frustrated is only aggravating the situation. Her anger may be rewarding to Steven. Most of all, Pam must remember to be positive. The strongest tool she has is positive feedback.

Punishment works, but it is not easy to use. Positive feedback is much easier to use and more fun to use. Positive feedback creates internal motivation in children. It teaches self-discipline and promotes a healthy and pleasant family climate. Successful parents emphasize the positive. Positive feedback, extinction, and punishment are always in effect, whether you are conscious of them or not. The key to successful parenting is to be aware of these principles and use them to your advantage.

Parents who are only interested in controlling misbehavior will punish. Parents who want children to be cooperative will balance positive feedback with extinction and redirection and use a minimal amount of punishment. If you emphasize the positive, you will only need a minimal amount of punishment.